Riley's Story

August 26, 2011

On Thursday August 25, 2011 I started feeling contractions.  I was 29weeks pregnant.  Since our first son, Neil, was born 9 weeks premature, I didn't want to take any changes.  It was 11pm and I went to the hospital.  At 1am they did an ultrasound and confirmed that Riley's heart had stopped beating.  I went home.  The next morning I went back to the hospital where I was induced and gave birth to Riley, stillborn.

Here is an account of that day:

10.15am  Arrived at hospital
11.00am  Moved to room 5668.  Blood tests - 18 vials taken.
1.00pm    Taken to lettre E.  Ultrasound.  Amnio.  With Dr. Ouellette
2.30pm    Lunch at the Casse-Croute
2.45pm   Saw Dr. Caron.  Began process of inducing me.  He inserted the balloon and tablet to dialate
               & soften my cervix.
3.00pm   Contractions start.  Are every 1-2 minutes
3.20pm   Ask for nurse.  She says it's time for epidural.  I go to washroom.  Balloon drops.  This means I'm
              already 3cm dialated.
4.00pm   Anesthesiologist arrives.  Starts prepping for epidural.  My friend Samantha is now here.

Between 4.30 & 7.30pm
Not much happens.  I don't feel any contractions because of the epidural.  I am feeling okay; hanging out with D & Sam.  At some point I start losing liquid and the doctor breaks my water.  Disgusting!  I laugh with Sam: "seriously?  That's what happens?  Gross!"

7.00pm  5cm dialated
7.30pm  Sam leaves.  D goes for supper.  I try to rest.
8.30pm  Still no change.  Resident is now Marie-Catherine.  She's the same resident who saw me with the
              twins (who I lost at 15 weeks due to genetic anomalies) and with Neil (my living son of 13 months).
              She recommends adding drugs to encourage contractions.
8.45pm  Start feeling pressure & pain.  Dr. suggests we can try pushing.  She gets everything set up.  I am so
              scared.
9pm-ish  Ready to go.  Push once.  Dr says "this is going to go very quickly".  I push 4 times.
9.17pm  Riley is born.
9.40pm  I hold him.  Image is too strong for my mind
9.45pm  I take him back and hold him again.

He has Neil/my nose.  That makes me smile because that was my one wish for his features.  He weighs 1473gm.  I look at his hands and feet.  It's definitely a boy.  It still feels unreal.

His body is warm against my chest.  It feels like when Neil was a preemie.  I have this moment where I think if I hold him kangarro style maybe I can bring him back to life.  But I know that's stupid because he's been gone for so long.  But I remember that story from last year of the woman who delivered stillborn and held her baby kangaroo and he came back to life.  But her baby was alive right up to delivery so I know it can't happen with Riley.  But how I wish it could.

I don't know how long I held him.  I remember how uncomfortable I was and how much my back hurt and how guilty I felt because I just wanted to give him back so I could get rid of the pain in my back but how bad I felt thinking that because all I should be thinking about is holding my baby, right?

10.30pm  I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep.  It's time to rest.  I'm worn out.

The momen he was born was probably the most excrutiating.  I cried so hard.  The emotional pain was unbearable.  I think it was a mixture of emotions: pain of knowing it was truly over and he is dead; relief that the delivery wasn't difficult or painful; exaustion.

Then I just felt numb.  I had to wait for the placenta to come out and for the doctor to do one stich.  I remember wanting to see the baby and yet also not wanting to.  I expected his body to be blue.  I asked where he was and Marie-Eve (the nurse) pointed to the baby holder/bed thing.  I couldn't see him but I knew he was there and somehow I felt a little better.

When he was born I didn't want to see him yet.  The doctor said "he is beautiful.  He has beautiful hands and feet".  I remember thinking, "don't be silly.  He can't be beautiful.  He's a preemie.  All preemies are ugly!".  And when I did hold him, the 2nd time, I thought, "well, he's not beautiful, but he's not ugly".

He looked a lot like Neil did at birth and it made me think that Riley and Neil probably would have looked a lot alike.  And how wonderful that would have been and that it would almost be like they were twins.  But now that would never happen and that's not fair.

After I gave him back I was ready to sleep.  I didn't think I would be able to, but I did - off and on since they kept coming in to take my vitals.

11.45pm  Marie-Eve comes back to help me pee.  I had to do it in a wheelchair because I was so dizzy :)

She was so great.  I couldn't ask for a better nurse.  She was so compasionate and caring and understanding.  I don't know how she was so good because she was so young.  She said she had only been working there for 4 years.  I felt better after peeing :)

1.30am  Nurse checks vitals one last time and gives me a sleeping pill.  Ativan.  I slept until 4.50am when they checked my vitals again and I peed again.  Then I slept until 7.15am

7.15am  Started to feel pain and cramps.  Called for pain meds.  Nurse brought them & said breakfast
              would come soon.
7.45am  Breakfast came.  Saw Dr. Caron.  He looked tired.  He was sympathetic & said I could leave when
             I was ready.

I knew then I was ready to go home.  But at the same time I didn't want to go home because then it mean it was over and I would have to start grieving and I wasn't ready to do that.  Somehow by staying in the hospital it wasn't over - like there was still a chance I would wake up from this dream.  But of course it wasn't a dream and I would have to deal with it.  And grieve.  Much as I didn't want to.

I filled in the stillborn dealth paperwork.  It felt good to do that.  Like I had a purpose.  I brought it to the nurses' station and said I wanted to go home now.  They said there was a few things to finish up and they would send someone.  The nurse who came wasn't the warmest nurse but she was nice enough.  I knew then that I wanted to hold him again since it would be the las time.

The nurse brought Riley to me.  This time he was wearing a little wool cap.  She put warm blankets around him but his body was cold.  I showed him Neil's picture and asked him to watch over Neil for us and to keep him safe.  I asked him to make sure nothing happened to Neil.  I told him I was sorry they wouldn't be able to meet each other and grow up together.  I told him I was sorry this happened. and that I wasn't able to keep him safe.  I know it's not my fault but of course part of me feels responsible.  Like what is it about my body that makes it so hard to carry a baby?

I don't know how long I held him.  It was quite a while.  Then I asked the nurse to take him away.  I guess they're right.  It does make it real.  Until he was born he didn't feel real.  I knew I was pregnant but I hadn't developed that bond/understanding that he was real.  By seeing him, holding him, having the picture of him, it makes it real and helps me mourn his loss and grieve.  You don't believe them when the doctors/nurses tell you this, but I believe it now.

Then we were given a while box with his picture, foot & hand prints, birth card, hat & blanket, hospital bracelets and a bunch of literature.  Then we were allowed to leave.

It was a strange feeling.  Walking out the hallway and out to the elevator.  No one noticed us.  No one said goodbye.  No one to wish us luck.  Like we were never there.

And then we walked to the car, while I cried and tried to come to grasp with it all.

Coming home it was nice to be home but I didn't know what to do with myself.  I still don't.  And now it's 9am Sunday morning and I've been up since 5am.  It's pouring rain.  Hurricane Irene is hitting New York.  And I don't know what to do with myself.  I need to keep busy.  I need to do something.  I just don't know what.