Riley's Box

I have a wooden box that sits on top of the mantel.  In it I have Riley's items from the hospital - the hat he wore, the blanket they wrapped him in, his hand print  his footprint, and the only photo I have of him.  I haven't looked through it in at least a year.  For some reason this afternoon I took it down and went through it all.

I don't know what I was searching for.  Peace? Comfort? Answers?  This baby that is growing inside of me - he wouldn't be here if Riley hadn't died.  I don't know how to feel about that.  I look forward to meeting him so much, but sometimes I feel guilty because I know I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if Riley had lived.  They way our lives work out sometimes is so strange.  I do truly believe this is what was meant to be, but I still can't help but wonder what if.  What if Riley had lived.  What would our lives have been like?  But if he had lived, maybe we wouldn't have been able to devote so much time to Neil and his development, on which we have had to focus a fair amount on this past year.  And I wouldn't have gone back to work so early, and wouldn't have had the great year I had in my career, which puts me in a much more comfortable position now, than had I been off for another yea.r  And we wouldn't have gone on so many trips as a family of 3 before baby 2 comes.  And, and, and...

I count my blessings for all the wonderful things I do have in my life.  I miss the idea of Riley, but am grateful that I am having another chance.

29 weeks tomorrow...