One month

Today is the 26th.  It's been exactly one month since we lost our baby boy.

I feel like I'm lacking a sense of purpose these days.  I go through my days, doing what I do, and I know I have a purpose in Neil, but I'm confused.  This fall is not how I was expecting it to turn out and I keep remembering that something's missing.  The next year was planned for me.  I was going to have a baby and do all the newborn baby things.  But now everything's changed and I'm having a hard time adapting to that.  During the day it's not so bad, but when it's time to go to bed I don't want to go to sleep because that means I have to start all over tomorrow, trying to stay positive and not think about how different things are.  I know that I have Neil, and he is part of my purpose, but something is missing and that something is Riley.

Where do I go from here?

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about having another baby; getting pregnant again.  I don't actually want to be pregnant again, but I do so want another baby.  Today I was walking Schooner, my dog, and I even had this vision of having a baby girl.  And that makes me feel so guilty, because I do so want a girl, but does that mean I didn't want Riley?  How could I possibly think that way?  I loved him so much and was so excited for Neil to have a baby brother, who was going to be so close in age to him.  I was so looking forward to the two of them growing up together.  So then why, when I think about having a baby girl, does it make me excited?  That's just so wrong.  I feel so torn up inside, like I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it.  What is wrong with me?

Just when I think I'm doing okay the tears start falling and I get emotional.

I need a sense of purpose again.  When will it come to me?

4 weeks

4 weeks already.  Really?  It seems like such a long time ago, and yet when I get to 8 weeks, then 3 months, 4 months, each milestone will seem like a lifetime since Riley was born.  I had a moment of joy and happiness, then utter misery this morning.  I thought I was ready to have sex with my husband.  Well we got all "in the mood" - I was happy and joyful.  Then tried.  It hurt.  I started crying.  Then it made me think of Riley and then I started really crying.  Not exactly the joyful return to lovemaking you hope it's going to be!  And D. was just so understanding and caring.  I seriously have the best husband.

I keep looking at the clock waiting for 9.17pm. (it's 8pm now).  Will there ever be a Friday night when I don't think of 9.17?    At what point to I stop thinking in terms of weeks (Fridays) and it turns to monthly anniversaries (the 26th)?  When will the pain in my heart not hurt so much?