Riley's Box

I have a wooden box that sits on top of the mantel.  In it I have Riley's items from the hospital - the hat he wore, the blanket they wrapped him in, his hand print  his footprint, and the only photo I have of him.  I haven't looked through it in at least a year.  For some reason this afternoon I took it down and went through it all.

I don't know what I was searching for.  Peace? Comfort? Answers?  This baby that is growing inside of me - he wouldn't be here if Riley hadn't died.  I don't know how to feel about that.  I look forward to meeting him so much, but sometimes I feel guilty because I know I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if Riley had lived.  They way our lives work out sometimes is so strange.  I do truly believe this is what was meant to be, but I still can't help but wonder what if.  What if Riley had lived.  What would our lives have been like?  But if he had lived, maybe we wouldn't have been able to devote so much time to Neil and his development, on which we have had to focus a fair amount on this past year.  And I wouldn't have gone back to work so early, and wouldn't have had the great year I had in my career, which puts me in a much more comfortable position now, than had I been off for another yea.r  And we wouldn't have gone on so many trips as a family of 3 before baby 2 comes.  And, and, and...

I count my blessings for all the wonderful things I do have in my life.  I miss the idea of Riley, but am grateful that I am having another chance.

29 weeks tomorrow...

Saturday

Well I'm halfway into week 28 and the weekend has arrived once again.  Of course Neil woke up at 5.45am this morning.  Breakfast is done, we're dressed and  now just need to figure out how to pass the time this morning.  And of course it's -25 C degrees outside!  Being on couch potato rest during the winter really sucks.  At least if it was nice out we could go outside and go to the park and I could watch him play.  But, alas, these are the cards we're dealt and I must deal with them.

I'm trying not to think about next week and reaching 29 weeks.  It's funny because since, during this whole pregnancy, I've been of the mind that Riley died at 26 weeks, it's almost like I've gotten through that milestone already?  All the fears and nerves I felt I went through 2 weeks ago.  I've dealt with them.  So I'm hoping that next week won't be as nerve wracking as it might have been.

Actually this week has been a lot better.  I've calmed down A LOT since being put on couch rest and that's enabled me to really know my limits, so I've been able to do more little things around the house this week - like rearranging some pictures on the wall; small organizing projects; cleaning out the desk.  All little things that don't take much effort, but I've been wanting to do for a while.  Of course, I still see all the big things, but those will have to wait.  So yeah, I guess I'm in a state of "calm before the storm".  The nesting instinct is killing me, but I'm starting the actually enjoy the forced time off.

82 days to go....

A good day

Today was a good day.  I had to go for a 2nd glucose test because my first was .4 over the limit.  Apparently nothing alarming, but I had to do the 2nd test anyways.  So I get to the hospital, starving because I'm fasting, so I'm just a little grumpy.  they take my blood, give me the yummy orange drink to down in 5 minutes and it's off to the waiting room I go for a 2 hour wait.  But it wasn't all bad.  I ran into a girl I hadn't seen if 4 or 5 years and she was there for the same thing, so we got to catch up.  She had 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy, so she's really hopeful too. Her boyfriend got into a head-on collision in December and almost died.  He was in the hospital for 20 days and doesn't remember anything about it.  Kind of puts things into perspective, doesn't it?  At least my husband is healthy and present and super helpful and amazing.  I know I am very lucky.

During my first hour of waiting, Snoop Dog didn't really move all that much.  So of course I couldn't help focusing on that.  My during the second hour he start moving a lot so that was a huge sigh of relief.  Last time I did the 2nd glucose test was the day Riley died.  So this was a much better day.  And Snoop Dog is still moving, so I'm feeling much more relaxed.

Last night I had more contractions.  They weren't as severe as last week, but I was getting nervous.  So I took a bath like my doctor suggested and that seemed to help.  It seems like each evening I have little contractions.  Scary.  I see my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what he says.  I'll be 28 weeks tomorrow.  That's good progress, but not far enough along!  That's what scares me about having contractions all the time, so I'm really trying to stay calm and relaxed.  3 more weeks until Neil's birth milestone.  It feels attainable.  It's almost like once I get past 31 weeks then I know Snoop Dog will be okay because if Neil survived at 31 weeks and is doing so well, then Snoop Dog will be too.

It feels good to have a good day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be good too...

Couch arrest day 5

It's Sunday.  The weekend's been tough.  Harder than the weekdays.  I love Neil but he's been tough to handle these last 2 days.  He just wants to play with me and I can't.  So he resorts to climbing all over me on the couch.  the poor little guy - he has no idea.  And D. just keeps saying "be gentle with mommy", but he doesn't understand that, or why. And if I try to tell him mommy's sick and needs to lie down, he doesn't get it either.

Yesterday I tried to explain to Neil that he was going to be a big brother soon; that we were having a little baby soon.  I pointed to my stomach and said, "mommy has a baby in her belly".  He lifted his shirt and pointed to his belly and said, "baby?"!  too cute.  So yeah, he doesn't get it.  All those articles and books that talk about explaining new baby to the older sibling.  So off.  Sorry, but a 2 yr old can't really understand it.  Then someone would probably tell me to buy a book about it for him.  Whatever!

So tomorrow is Monday, which means back to the weekday routine, which for whatever reason, I find much easier.  Then this week I have 2 dr appointments, which means at least I get to get out of the house :)  The days really are up and down.  At one hour I can't imagine how long the rest of this pregnancy will be, and then all of a sudden it's 5pm and I've made it through another day.

One day at a time...

Day 3 of couch arrest

It's day 3 of being a sedentary couch potato.  90 days to go. Today's Friday and I am dreading the weekend.  As much as I love my little boy, he is going to want to do stuff and I won't be able to do anything with him.  I can't take him outside, I can't go for a walk, even, I have to sit on my ass all day.  How do you explain that to a two year old?  Sorry, Neil, mommy has to stay sedentary so your brother, who you don't really realize is going to be here in 3 months, can live.  Doesn't really translate to a 2 year old, does it?

there's only so many puzzles and arts & crafts we can do.  Hopefully D. will be willing to take Neil out and do stuff with him.  Usually on the weekends we go into town, or go ski-doing  or something.  But it's always me who's the one who's suggesting things.  If it were's D.'s choice, he would spend weekends relaxing - because he works so hard all the other times.

I'm being hard on him, though, because he already does so much more around the house than any other husband I know.  He cleans, he does dishes, he does laundry, he cleans up after himself.  None of my friends' husbands do that.  So I know I'm lucky.  And already this week since I've been home he's been doing so much more.

How am I going to get through this? One day at a time?  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I think once I get to 32 weeks I'll be able to breathe a little easier.  I'll have past the 2 milestones (Riley - 29 weeks, Neil - 31 weeks) and then every day and week we go longer will be an added bonus.  So that's 5 weeks.  35 days.  I can do this, right?  On boy...

Hospital Scare

Written January 23, 2013, while in hospital:

So I spent the night in the hospital.  I had contractions and decided to come in.  Better safe than sorry, right? Turns out I was certainly having contractions but fortunately Snoop Dog was not on his way.

D. didn't come with me because I went in at 3am.  He stayed with Neil.  I was fine with that as long as he would join me in the morning.  He didn't get to the hospital until 11am!  I mean everything was okay and I was fine, but it would have been nice of him to have come earlier.  But of course there were problems at the barn and he had to work at those.  It's always something, isn't it?

Anyways, they took me for an ultrasound and the baby is fine and everything looks good, but my cervix while still long is slightly opened, around 2cm.  So that's indicative of me potentially going into labor in the next 5-6 weeks = 32 or 33 weeks.

But then again I could go all the way to 37 weeks.

Dr. Bureau just saw me.  He's on call today, so that's nice.  Now I don't have to see him this pm.  I'm basically now on "sedentary couch potato" rest for the next 10-13 weeks.  Yay.  But really, whatever it takes.  I really want Snoop Dog...Callum?...to be born as close to term as possible, so whatever it takes, right?

I miss my mom right now.  She would have come down to hang out with me and cook for me and take care of me.  Dad, although caring, loving, etc, just doesn't get it.  As long as I'm not dying he figures I'm okay!  But he's a man; that's how they are.  I think he and D. are more alike than D. likes to believe :)

10 weeks on the couch.  Well at least I'll be nice and rested for when baby comes.

Baby names: so now I'm leaning towards Callum or Hunter.  We'll see if that changes over the next 3 months.  Huh.  Last time I was writing about names was 3 days before Riley died.  Puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Re: Last post - wrong milestone. How did I get that wrong?

Okay, so I have no idea why, for but some strange reason, this whole pregnancy whenever I think of Riley I always thought he died at 26 weeks.  And I have no idea why!  Well, he died on August 26th, so maybe that's part of it, but it is so very, very strange.  And the whole pregnancy I've been telling people how Riley died at 26 weeks, so that's a really important milestone to get through and that how once I get past 26 weeks, I've breathe a little earlier.

Then Monday I ended up in the hospital for contractions (separate post to come about that one), and again I'm telling the doctors my last pregnancy ended at 26 weeks, and then Wednesday morning when I am in my hospital room waiting to be seen I pull out my recent journal, which I brought with me on a whim.  And I started to read the entries I wrote when Riley died.  And then I realized.  He died at 29 weeks, not at 26 weeks!

And I felt so guilty and stupid for remembering the wrong timeline.  And how readers of my last post must have been wondering if I'd totally lost my mind.  especially considering the title of my blog - Life after stillbirth at 29 weeks!   duh!

So yeah, I kind of laugh about it as I'm writing this.  I do feel silly.  And then stressed because I haven't crossed that milestone yet.  I still have 2 more weeks to go before 29 weeks.

But I really am feeling better about this pregnancy.  I really do believe that Snoop Dog (did I mention how that name came up?  More on that later) is going to be born healthy, and as close to term as possible.  Yes I'm scared and yes we never know what will happen, but I just have this feeling that everything's going to be okay.  And I'm holding on to that feeling like it's a lifeline holding me up when things get tough.

So back to Snoop Dog...

I was driving to Montreal last November with a friend from work and we were talking about baby names.  And of course we came up with all these lovely names.  And then this Snoop Dog (or now his name is Snoop Lion, I guess?!  wtf?) song came on and my friend said, "well you could always call him or her Snoop Dog!" And the name kind of stuck.  So now this baby will always be known as Snoop Dog.  Good thing it's a boy!  lol.  Yes, we will give him a real name, and we will call him by his name, don't worry, but it will be fun to nickname him Snoop Dog.  Or at least, I'll find it fun.  My husband not so much.  ha ha.

26 weeks..the big milestone

Today I am 26 weeks and still pregnant!  Saw my doctor today; heard baby's heartbeat.  I am so anxious to get through this week.  With Riley it was a Thursday (ie tomorrow) that we found out he had died.  The day Riley died I had my diabetes test in the morning.  It was that night I started having contractions and we learned our horrible fate. Tomorrow, Thursday, I have my diabetes test.  It's freakishly scary.  But yet at the same time, I'm also glad it's on the same day, because this time I just know everything is going to be okay and I'm going to get through tomorrow, and I'll be on my way to the next milestone (31 weeks when Neil was born premature).

When I became pregnant it was so hard to imaging making it to 26 weeks and how far off that was.  Now that I've made it here, I really do feel positive.  I do feel like this time everything is okay.  And yet...I'm so afraid to allow myself to get too excited, too happy.  I don't want to jinx anything!!

14 weeks to go....deep breaths.

It's a Boy!

Gosh, has it really been almost 2 months since my last post?  I feel like I've been living in this world where time doesn't advance.  This pregnancy is going by so slowly.  Every week that goes by without incident I say a little prayer and give thanks that he's living one more week.  Such a horrible way to experience pregnancy, but it's my reality.

Thursday we had our 20 week ultrasound and after 40 minutes of measurements, where of course I was convinced they were spending much too much time taking pictures of his heart (they weren't!) they finally told us to sex.  A boy.  So yeah, yeah, we're happy it's a boy, blah blah blah.  lol!  I'd be lying if a little part of me (okay a big part?) didn't want a girl, but at the end of the day he's healthy.  That's what matters.  They see no development issues, he's growing well and is exactly where he's supposed to be at 20 weeks.  That's the important part.

So now the waiting game continues.  We know we're having a boy and we just have to make it through the next 20 weeks.  Gosh that's a long time!  When you're anxiously waiting for something to happen, and praying that everything will be okay, time does go by so slowly.

13 weeks

13 weeks tomorrow.  Ultrasound on Thursday.  I saw my doctor last week and he tried to hear the heartbeat.  Before he put the machine on my stomach he said, "now you know we might not hear it", and of course we didn't.  Must be that big fat belly of mine!  He wasn't too concerned, he said it was quite early, but of course it was stressful and scary for me.  It was the first time I heard the heart beat machine (what's it called again?), since we didn't hear Riley's heartbeat, so it brought back all the memories.  And being in his officer was hard, remembering again.

My doctor's so great, though.  He's so positive.  I've been so nauseous this pregnancy and he said that was a really good sign, that I'm producing lots of pregnancy hormones.  Who knows if that's actually true, but I'll take it!

I'm so nervous for Thursday.  I just want everything to be okay, and for them to tell us we have a healthy baby. I'm going to have the trisomy screening, like all my other pregnancies, but because my first pregnancy one of the twins had trisomy 21, I'm at a higher risk, so you can't help but think about that.  I try to be positive and only think positive thoughts, but I am nervous.

It makes me jealous of pregnant women who've never had a problem and approach their ultrasound with excitement.  I won't be excited when I see our baby on the monitor.  I will be nervous and scared and stressed out.  It's not fair that these are the emotions I'll be feeling.  I wish I could go back to being the naive new pregnant lady with absolutely no idea that problems can happen.

Wish me luck...

Riley's Anniversary

Riley's anniversary on August 26th was not as agonizing and excruciating as I thought it would be. In fact, when I first woke up that morning I didn't remember the significance of the date until about an hour later. When I did finally remember I felt so awful, so guilty, like I was a bad mother for not instantly remembering the date.

We went to the graveyard and visited him.  Neil came with us.  It felt awkward, standing there looking down at him.  It was really strange.  So I asked D. and Neil to go for a walk and give me a few minutes.  That's when it all came out.  The memories, the tears, the loss, the anguish.  I cried for my baby who never had the chance to grow up; for the little brother Neil will never know; and also for my mom, who's up there in heaven with him.  I asked Riley to continue to watch over Neil and to keep him safe; and to watch over our newest baby and to keep him or her safe, and healthy, and living.  I prayed for this pregnancy to go well, for there not to be any problems, and I thanked Riley for giving me that little bit of peace I always search.

We left a few minutes later, and went on with our day; with our lives.  I still think of him often, and when I do I often wonder what would have been.  On my windowsill in my bedroom I have a picture of a sunrise that I took in April 2011 when I was in South Carolina.  When I took that picture I was pregnant but I didn't know it yet. I overprinted Riley's name and birth date, so he will always have a place in our house.

And now it's back to reality and the unknown of the future.

I've been listening to Lauren Alaina's album, Wildflower (it's really good, by the way!).  She's got a song on it called: The Middle.  The chorus is really fitting for me right now:

"Take each day and make it last

Cause you turn around and the future is the past

Here and now is all we have

The beginning and the end mean so little

What matters most is what's in the middle"

That's really how I feel right now "in the middle".  In 4 weeks I'll have my 12 week ultrasound and hopefully, God-willing, everything will be okay and our baby will be healthy.  Then I'll be able to share my news with everyone, and try with all my might not to get too excited and yet not get too scared.  I'm in limbo, really.  Waiting...waiting...for whatever my future will be.

Closing in on the 26th

As we get closer to Riley's anniversary I find myself feeling anxious.  How am I going to feel on Sunday? Will I remember him properly? Will it be enough.  It's so hard to believe that one year has gone by since we lost him.  So much has happened this year.  I'm happy to say I'm happy again, but every day or moment that I think of him I always wonder: what would he be like now?  He'd be about 8 months old.  Maybe crawling, maybe cruising, maybe babbling.  And although I can think about it, I can't picture it.  I know Riley was not supposed to be a part of this world.  I know there was a reason why he died. But it's still hard.

Now that I'm pregnant again (5 weeks!  35 to go, lol!), I'm blessed with a sense of calm, which is so strange.  And then at the same time I keep thinking, okay, get through the first 12 weeks, make sure everything's okay, then just breathe and try and stay positive through the rest of the pregnancy.  It's split up into sections.

I'm so early along that I know there's a risk of miscarriage and it's weird but that is scaring me so much more than looking towards long term.  Every time I feel a slight cramp in my belly, I'm thinking - what is that?  Why do I have a cramp?  It always goes away, but gosh it's scary.

I got pregnant so quickly that I don't want it to crumble away as quickly as it happened.  It's strange too because for my first 3 pregnancies I was never afraid of miscarriage, but now I am.  Why is that? Is it because I want so so badly for this pregnancy to work out? Or because if I do miscarry, I don't know that my husband will be willing to try again?  Probably a combo of the two.

I told my boss at work this week.  She was so happy for me.  She wanted to know when I would tell everyone.  I so want to tell everyone, because I'm excited!  But something is holding me back, telling me to be cautious.  What does that mean?  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  That's all I've got to do.

And for Sunday, I will remember Riley.  Remember the wonderful boy he would have been. Thank him for being there for my mom in heaven, and thank him for watching over Neil and our family during this difficult, difficult year.

PREGNANT!!!

OMG!  I can't believe it.  I'm pregnant.  Pregnant!  Wow.  Wow. I'm so shocked that it happened so fast, after only 2 months of trying.  It's just so unbelievable.  I don't know what to feel. It was so weird, when I took the test this morning I just had this feeling that it would be positive.  And it was.  And I was happy.  And then I was happy that my first reaction was happiness and not fear.  Yes I'm scared, well terrified, but I don't know, there's this strange calm that's come over me today.  With Riley's birthday next weekend, I almost feel like he has something to do with this.  Like he's watching over me and chose this month for me to become pregnant, so that next weekend won't be so excruciating for me.

It's almost like it's meant to be.  That this is the month I'm supposed to get pregnant, that he's telling me it's going to be okay.  It's just the strangest feeling, but I really do feel this way.

So yeah.  Pregnant.  If all goes well April 25 next year we'll have a healthy baby in our lives...

1 year coming quickly..suggestions to commemorate?

So first off, no I'm not pregnant.  Month 2 of TTC will end next week.  Wonder what will happen?  I'm expecting a negative test, but hoping for a positive one.

August 26th is quickly approaching.  I've been thinking about Riley a lot lately.  I want to do something memorable for him on the 26th.  I know I will definitely visit his grave.  But what else should I do?  Does anyone have any suggestions?

Fortunately the 26th is a Sunday, so I won't have to worry about my emotions while at work.  That would have been really hard.   I wonder if my husband will remember the day.  He recovered and got over Riley's loss months ago.  It's hard when I still acknowledge the 26th of every month, and he is blissfully unaware.  Must be nice to be a man!

I read some good news today.  A fellow blogger, a woman who's blog gave me such solace and comfort following Riley's death, gave birth to her first baby 12 days ago.  How encouraging and wonderful to read about someone who went through the same tragedy as me come out on the other side.  I applaud her courage to try again and the strength it must have taken to make it through a whole 9 months never guaranteed a positive outcome.  That she is happy and successful gives me hope.

First month of TTC

So Tuesday will be the end of our first month of trying to conceive again. I'm anxious, excited, nervous.  I keep telling myself it is so unlikely that I'll get pregnant on the first month, but my mind still wants it really bad.  I guess at this point I'm not afraid of being pregnant again, because it hasn't happened yet.  It's like this pipe dream, a mythical world where I am pregnant and everything is fine.  It's surreal, really. But now that my head is in the game, I'm all in. I just want to go for it.  Give it one last hurrah.  If it doesn't work out then I'll have no regrets.  I don't want to live my life with regret.

Dear Neil

July 2 ,2012 (23 months)

Dear Neil,

So it's been a few months since my last letter.  My apologies for that. So much has happened between April and now, and yet it's as if nothing's changed at all.  Is that possible?

The warm weather is finally here and you are loving it! You love swimming and playing outside and getting dirty. You experimented with many puddles this spring, getting good and soaked each time. It was so much fun watching you giggle and laugh as you stomped your rain boots in the puddles. Eventually you would reach down to touch the water with your hands, inevitably falling on your rear end. But even then you wouldn't want to get out of the puddle.








May started out rough for us.  It was grandma's celebration of life event on May 5th. You came to Montreal and everyone was so thrilled to meet you. You were an angel, but it was quite overwhelming for you, I'm sure.

One fun part was playing in the same park that mommy played in when she was a little girl. The playground is much fancier now, but a park is a park and all kids know how to have fun at one. It was a great moment, rather surreal really, walking you to the park that I used to walk to every day. Life really does come full circle. Grandma's sister (your great-aunt) Wendy joined us one day. I'm glad you were able to spend that time with her, even if you won't remember it.










Spring 2012 is also the time you learned the word "no". And it's your favourite word! You are certainly stating your independence, piglet. Everything is on your terms, when you want to do it. You've decided you no longer like baths (huh?!), you no longer like any of the foods you used to love, and you no longer like going to bed.  Fortunately, you still love cows and going to the barn.  Except that's all you ever want to do as every time we drive somewhere and pass a barn, you say "moo?  moo?".

Your words are starting to come, slowly but surely. Half the time I can't understand you and the other half the time I think you're speaking french, but you're beginning to say more and more words.  Moo still being your favourite.

Yes, you're definitely vocal, that's for sure. You speak to us in your "language" expecting us to understand. I'm sure it's frustrating for you when we don't understand what you're trying to tell us. I apologize for that Neil.

July 1st was an exciting day as you rode in your very first Canada Day parade! The theme was "then and now" and you road on a miniature tractor on the float of items depicting then and now. I think you were a little overwhelmed with it all, but you were a champion.

Next month you'll be 2 years old! How time flies. Thinking back to this time last year, I'm amazed and how much you've grown over the past year, and also how much I've grown as a mother. I no longer totally freak out about everything you eat. I'm calmer, more assured and confident. I still get scared now and then, but as you gain confidence, so do I.

Till next time,
love
Mommy and daddy

Giving it one last try

Gosh it's been more than 2 months since I last wrote!  how time flies. So much has happened and yet so little has happened.  But I guess the biggest news is that I got my IUD removed yesterday.  So I guess we're going to give it one last go.

After thinking back and forth through it all, the biggest factor is that I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and regret not trying.  It's better to live with remorse than live with regret. So I guess now we wait and see. If it works, fantastic.  And if it doesn't?  Then at least we tried and I know it wasn't meant to be.

Cross your fingers, say a prayer, do whatever you do; here's to giving it the good ol' college try...

Jealousy and Angst Rear their Ugly Heads

My girlfriend's husband just posted a photo on facebook.  The photo was of an oven...with a bun in it.  You get the point.  This will be their 4th child. They've never had a complication; all her pregnancies went smoothly; all natural births.  Their biggest obstacle?  That it took 6 months to get pregnant this time.

I am angry, and jealous, and sad, and frustrated, and annoyed at myself for not being happy for them.  And note I write "happy".  Not "happier". I wish I could feel happy for them, but right now, since I literally just found out - via Facebook (the evil of all things communication!) no less - it's hard to be happy for them.

We all have our issues, I know.  And just because on the outside it seems like everything is great for them, it doesn't mean it is.  But seriously - four?  And I can't just have two?

I've been pregnant 3 times, with 4 babies. And one survived.

She will now have been pregnant 4 times, with 4 babies.

How is that fair?

And then to top it all off, my best girlfriend who has a brain tumor just got her results from her MRI and now she has 2 tumors.  Wonderful.

Happy Easter???

Letter to Neil Canyon - 20 months

Dear Neil, (20 months)

March was the month the sickness fairy came to visit. You and I were sick almost the whole month, it seems! You had an ear infection and bronchitis at the end of February. That cleared up and then 2 weeks later you were sick again with another ear infection. Poor piglet! This was also the first time you were sick and you were up all night one night. That was hard to take - to hear you in pain, uncomfortable, and knowing there was nothing I could do to make you feel better. Fortunately by the end of March you were back to your normal happy self.

Because of all the sickness, March was a pretty quiet month. We did have some fabulous weather one week, however, so we really took advantage of that. For a whole week it ranged from 20-25 degrees! You LOVED being outside and playing. You played in puddles for the first time, you learned how to climb your little slide and slide down it. You ate outside at daycare and you walked from our house to grandmas in your t-shirt and sandals. I can tell it's going to be a fun summer!

Last weekend we went away to North Conway, NH for the weekend. I'm happy to confirm that you are still a very good traveler. Maybe that's because you traveled so much in your first year, but the 3 hour car ride didn't bother you one bit! We stayed at a hotel with a pool and you loved that so much! We went swimming and you were screeching with excitement the whole time. We played volleyball with your little blue ball, and you were bouncing it off your head and having a blast. It's always so great to see your wonderful smile.

You loved eating at Friendly's! You especially loved your dessert, lol!

You are starting to say a few words, finally: moo (your favourite), fini, banana (that one's new), dog, mama. And you understand what we're saying really well.

You also love to run around the house naked! I think that's your favourite time of day - after bath time. You're so excited to be pat down with the towel so you can run around naked. You giggle so much because it's so fun to be free. It'll be fun this summer when you can be naked in your little pool and run around outside naked.  hee hee

You've started to play tag, and love being chased. You get a kick out of it. You also want to play chase with Schooner, but he doesn't seem to interested in you. I think that frustrates you a little, or maybe it just frustrates Schooner. You chase him, he runs away, you go up to him, he gets up and walks in the other direction. I can tell you just want to play with him, so I'm sorry he's not a younger dog. Perhaps when you're older we'll get you a dog you can take care of and play with.

Piglet, your personality and amazing smile and love makes me so happy. I love that you are starting to give me hugs and kisses.  Keep that up okay?

xoxo
Mum and dad

8 months - missed!

I just realized: I missed the 26th!!  This is the first month since Riley died that I didn't pay attention to the date. 8 months.  That's how long it took.  What progress. A part of me feels bad that I forgot, but I'm also so happy to feel like I'm really moving on. And now that I have Riley's ring with his name and bday on it, every time I look at it, I think of him. So I don't need a date anymore. 

I feel like this huge weight just lifted off my shoulders. In a way I feel free. Free of agony, guilt, remorse. I still miss him and think of him, of course, but I feel like I am finally living in the now and no longer thinking of "what if".

8 months.  That's how long it took me to accept and to heal.  What a moment.