Tips for friends and family on how to Remember the stillborn child

Remembering the stillborn child 
Talking about stillbirth – defined as a death occurring after 20 weeks gestation – is uncomfortable, but staying silent just adds to the pain of an already devastated family. Here are some tips I found from an article online.  They are so true:

• Don't use clichés. Don't tell the family that this is for the best, that the baby is in God's hands (they want the baby in their own hands!) or that an angel will be watching over them. Just tell them you're sorry and give them a hug.

• Don't pretend it didn't happen. Parents know you're aware that their baby was stillborn, and it's hurtful when you don't acknowledge it. Our baby is never far from our minds, so don't be afraid to bring it up out of fear of upsetting us. Talking about the baby may cause a few tears but, remember, it’s the baby's death that upsets us, not talking about her.

• Take pictures and mementoes (footprints or handprints, plaster cast, clothing, etc.) in the hospital. It may seem strange at the time but these items will be priceless in the future – and the parents may not think to gather these mementoes.

• Say the baby's name, please! It lets the parents know that you think of the baby as a person.

• Don't tell the parents that their feelings are illogical or irrational. Grief comes in many forms and stages. If the parents are angry, sad, bitter or feeling guilty, don't judge them; just support them. They don't want to feel this way, they just do.

• Understand if the parents don't want to participate in anniversaries or other important events.The baby never had a chance to celebrate holidays and special occasions, but that doesn't make those occasions any easier to bear. These times are strong reminders that there is someone missing.

• Don't shy away from the parents just because you're pregnant or have a new baby. You'll know if they can't handle seeing you. Don't take it personally. You can still call or send e-mails. The parents may not respond in the early days, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to reach out.

• Remember the dad. He lost a baby too.

• Check out websites that have tips for grieving parents of a stillborn baby.