It's a Boy!

Gosh, has it really been almost 2 months since my last post?  I feel like I've been living in this world where time doesn't advance.  This pregnancy is going by so slowly.  Every week that goes by without incident I say a little prayer and give thanks that he's living one more week.  Such a horrible way to experience pregnancy, but it's my reality.

Thursday we had our 20 week ultrasound and after 40 minutes of measurements, where of course I was convinced they were spending much too much time taking pictures of his heart (they weren't!) they finally told us to sex.  A boy.  So yeah, yeah, we're happy it's a boy, blah blah blah.  lol!  I'd be lying if a little part of me (okay a big part?) didn't want a girl, but at the end of the day he's healthy.  That's what matters.  They see no development issues, he's growing well and is exactly where he's supposed to be at 20 weeks.  That's the important part.

So now the waiting game continues.  We know we're having a boy and we just have to make it through the next 20 weeks.  Gosh that's a long time!  When you're anxiously waiting for something to happen, and praying that everything will be okay, time does go by so slowly.

13 weeks

13 weeks tomorrow.  Ultrasound on Thursday.  I saw my doctor last week and he tried to hear the heartbeat.  Before he put the machine on my stomach he said, "now you know we might not hear it", and of course we didn't.  Must be that big fat belly of mine!  He wasn't too concerned, he said it was quite early, but of course it was stressful and scary for me.  It was the first time I heard the heart beat machine (what's it called again?), since we didn't hear Riley's heartbeat, so it brought back all the memories.  And being in his officer was hard, remembering again.

My doctor's so great, though.  He's so positive.  I've been so nauseous this pregnancy and he said that was a really good sign, that I'm producing lots of pregnancy hormones.  Who knows if that's actually true, but I'll take it!

I'm so nervous for Thursday.  I just want everything to be okay, and for them to tell us we have a healthy baby. I'm going to have the trisomy screening, like all my other pregnancies, but because my first pregnancy one of the twins had trisomy 21, I'm at a higher risk, so you can't help but think about that.  I try to be positive and only think positive thoughts, but I am nervous.

It makes me jealous of pregnant women who've never had a problem and approach their ultrasound with excitement.  I won't be excited when I see our baby on the monitor.  I will be nervous and scared and stressed out.  It's not fair that these are the emotions I'll be feeling.  I wish I could go back to being the naive new pregnant lady with absolutely no idea that problems can happen.

Wish me luck...

Riley's Anniversary

Riley's anniversary on August 26th was not as agonizing and excruciating as I thought it would be. In fact, when I first woke up that morning I didn't remember the significance of the date until about an hour later. When I did finally remember I felt so awful, so guilty, like I was a bad mother for not instantly remembering the date.

We went to the graveyard and visited him.  Neil came with us.  It felt awkward, standing there looking down at him.  It was really strange.  So I asked D. and Neil to go for a walk and give me a few minutes.  That's when it all came out.  The memories, the tears, the loss, the anguish.  I cried for my baby who never had the chance to grow up; for the little brother Neil will never know; and also for my mom, who's up there in heaven with him.  I asked Riley to continue to watch over Neil and to keep him safe; and to watch over our newest baby and to keep him or her safe, and healthy, and living.  I prayed for this pregnancy to go well, for there not to be any problems, and I thanked Riley for giving me that little bit of peace I always search.

We left a few minutes later, and went on with our day; with our lives.  I still think of him often, and when I do I often wonder what would have been.  On my windowsill in my bedroom I have a picture of a sunrise that I took in April 2011 when I was in South Carolina.  When I took that picture I was pregnant but I didn't know it yet. I overprinted Riley's name and birth date, so he will always have a place in our house.

And now it's back to reality and the unknown of the future.

I've been listening to Lauren Alaina's album, Wildflower (it's really good, by the way!).  She's got a song on it called: The Middle.  The chorus is really fitting for me right now:

"Take each day and make it last

Cause you turn around and the future is the past

Here and now is all we have

The beginning and the end mean so little

What matters most is what's in the middle"

That's really how I feel right now "in the middle".  In 4 weeks I'll have my 12 week ultrasound and hopefully, God-willing, everything will be okay and our baby will be healthy.  Then I'll be able to share my news with everyone, and try with all my might not to get too excited and yet not get too scared.  I'm in limbo, really.  Waiting...waiting...for whatever my future will be.

Closing in on the 26th

As we get closer to Riley's anniversary I find myself feeling anxious.  How am I going to feel on Sunday? Will I remember him properly? Will it be enough.  It's so hard to believe that one year has gone by since we lost him.  So much has happened this year.  I'm happy to say I'm happy again, but every day or moment that I think of him I always wonder: what would he be like now?  He'd be about 8 months old.  Maybe crawling, maybe cruising, maybe babbling.  And although I can think about it, I can't picture it.  I know Riley was not supposed to be a part of this world.  I know there was a reason why he died. But it's still hard.

Now that I'm pregnant again (5 weeks!  35 to go, lol!), I'm blessed with a sense of calm, which is so strange.  And then at the same time I keep thinking, okay, get through the first 12 weeks, make sure everything's okay, then just breathe and try and stay positive through the rest of the pregnancy.  It's split up into sections.

I'm so early along that I know there's a risk of miscarriage and it's weird but that is scaring me so much more than looking towards long term.  Every time I feel a slight cramp in my belly, I'm thinking - what is that?  Why do I have a cramp?  It always goes away, but gosh it's scary.

I got pregnant so quickly that I don't want it to crumble away as quickly as it happened.  It's strange too because for my first 3 pregnancies I was never afraid of miscarriage, but now I am.  Why is that? Is it because I want so so badly for this pregnancy to work out? Or because if I do miscarry, I don't know that my husband will be willing to try again?  Probably a combo of the two.

I told my boss at work this week.  She was so happy for me.  She wanted to know when I would tell everyone.  I so want to tell everyone, because I'm excited!  But something is holding me back, telling me to be cautious.  What does that mean?  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  That's all I've got to do.

And for Sunday, I will remember Riley.  Remember the wonderful boy he would have been. Thank him for being there for my mom in heaven, and thank him for watching over Neil and our family during this difficult, difficult year.

PREGNANT!!!

OMG!  I can't believe it.  I'm pregnant.  Pregnant!  Wow.  Wow. I'm so shocked that it happened so fast, after only 2 months of trying.  It's just so unbelievable.  I don't know what to feel. It was so weird, when I took the test this morning I just had this feeling that it would be positive.  And it was.  And I was happy.  And then I was happy that my first reaction was happiness and not fear.  Yes I'm scared, well terrified, but I don't know, there's this strange calm that's come over me today.  With Riley's birthday next weekend, I almost feel like he has something to do with this.  Like he's watching over me and chose this month for me to become pregnant, so that next weekend won't be so excruciating for me.

It's almost like it's meant to be.  That this is the month I'm supposed to get pregnant, that he's telling me it's going to be okay.  It's just the strangest feeling, but I really do feel this way.

So yeah.  Pregnant.  If all goes well April 25 next year we'll have a healthy baby in our lives...

1 year coming quickly..suggestions to commemorate?

So first off, no I'm not pregnant.  Month 2 of TTC will end next week.  Wonder what will happen?  I'm expecting a negative test, but hoping for a positive one.

August 26th is quickly approaching.  I've been thinking about Riley a lot lately.  I want to do something memorable for him on the 26th.  I know I will definitely visit his grave.  But what else should I do?  Does anyone have any suggestions?

Fortunately the 26th is a Sunday, so I won't have to worry about my emotions while at work.  That would have been really hard.   I wonder if my husband will remember the day.  He recovered and got over Riley's loss months ago.  It's hard when I still acknowledge the 26th of every month, and he is blissfully unaware.  Must be nice to be a man!

I read some good news today.  A fellow blogger, a woman who's blog gave me such solace and comfort following Riley's death, gave birth to her first baby 12 days ago.  How encouraging and wonderful to read about someone who went through the same tragedy as me come out on the other side.  I applaud her courage to try again and the strength it must have taken to make it through a whole 9 months never guaranteed a positive outcome.  That she is happy and successful gives me hope.

First month of TTC

So Tuesday will be the end of our first month of trying to conceive again. I'm anxious, excited, nervous.  I keep telling myself it is so unlikely that I'll get pregnant on the first month, but my mind still wants it really bad.  I guess at this point I'm not afraid of being pregnant again, because it hasn't happened yet.  It's like this pipe dream, a mythical world where I am pregnant and everything is fine.  It's surreal, really. But now that my head is in the game, I'm all in. I just want to go for it.  Give it one last hurrah.  If it doesn't work out then I'll have no regrets.  I don't want to live my life with regret.

Dear Neil

July 2 ,2012 (23 months)

Dear Neil,

So it's been a few months since my last letter.  My apologies for that. So much has happened between April and now, and yet it's as if nothing's changed at all.  Is that possible?

The warm weather is finally here and you are loving it! You love swimming and playing outside and getting dirty. You experimented with many puddles this spring, getting good and soaked each time. It was so much fun watching you giggle and laugh as you stomped your rain boots in the puddles. Eventually you would reach down to touch the water with your hands, inevitably falling on your rear end. But even then you wouldn't want to get out of the puddle.








May started out rough for us.  It was grandma's celebration of life event on May 5th. You came to Montreal and everyone was so thrilled to meet you. You were an angel, but it was quite overwhelming for you, I'm sure.

One fun part was playing in the same park that mommy played in when she was a little girl. The playground is much fancier now, but a park is a park and all kids know how to have fun at one. It was a great moment, rather surreal really, walking you to the park that I used to walk to every day. Life really does come full circle. Grandma's sister (your great-aunt) Wendy joined us one day. I'm glad you were able to spend that time with her, even if you won't remember it.










Spring 2012 is also the time you learned the word "no". And it's your favourite word! You are certainly stating your independence, piglet. Everything is on your terms, when you want to do it. You've decided you no longer like baths (huh?!), you no longer like any of the foods you used to love, and you no longer like going to bed.  Fortunately, you still love cows and going to the barn.  Except that's all you ever want to do as every time we drive somewhere and pass a barn, you say "moo?  moo?".

Your words are starting to come, slowly but surely. Half the time I can't understand you and the other half the time I think you're speaking french, but you're beginning to say more and more words.  Moo still being your favourite.

Yes, you're definitely vocal, that's for sure. You speak to us in your "language" expecting us to understand. I'm sure it's frustrating for you when we don't understand what you're trying to tell us. I apologize for that Neil.

July 1st was an exciting day as you rode in your very first Canada Day parade! The theme was "then and now" and you road on a miniature tractor on the float of items depicting then and now. I think you were a little overwhelmed with it all, but you were a champion.

Next month you'll be 2 years old! How time flies. Thinking back to this time last year, I'm amazed and how much you've grown over the past year, and also how much I've grown as a mother. I no longer totally freak out about everything you eat. I'm calmer, more assured and confident. I still get scared now and then, but as you gain confidence, so do I.

Till next time,
love
Mommy and daddy

Giving it one last try

Gosh it's been more than 2 months since I last wrote!  how time flies. So much has happened and yet so little has happened.  But I guess the biggest news is that I got my IUD removed yesterday.  So I guess we're going to give it one last go.

After thinking back and forth through it all, the biggest factor is that I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and regret not trying.  It's better to live with remorse than live with regret. So I guess now we wait and see. If it works, fantastic.  And if it doesn't?  Then at least we tried and I know it wasn't meant to be.

Cross your fingers, say a prayer, do whatever you do; here's to giving it the good ol' college try...

Jealousy and Angst Rear their Ugly Heads

My girlfriend's husband just posted a photo on facebook.  The photo was of an oven...with a bun in it.  You get the point.  This will be their 4th child. They've never had a complication; all her pregnancies went smoothly; all natural births.  Their biggest obstacle?  That it took 6 months to get pregnant this time.

I am angry, and jealous, and sad, and frustrated, and annoyed at myself for not being happy for them.  And note I write "happy".  Not "happier". I wish I could feel happy for them, but right now, since I literally just found out - via Facebook (the evil of all things communication!) no less - it's hard to be happy for them.

We all have our issues, I know.  And just because on the outside it seems like everything is great for them, it doesn't mean it is.  But seriously - four?  And I can't just have two?

I've been pregnant 3 times, with 4 babies. And one survived.

She will now have been pregnant 4 times, with 4 babies.

How is that fair?

And then to top it all off, my best girlfriend who has a brain tumor just got her results from her MRI and now she has 2 tumors.  Wonderful.

Happy Easter???

Letter to Neil Canyon - 20 months

Dear Neil, (20 months)

March was the month the sickness fairy came to visit. You and I were sick almost the whole month, it seems! You had an ear infection and bronchitis at the end of February. That cleared up and then 2 weeks later you were sick again with another ear infection. Poor piglet! This was also the first time you were sick and you were up all night one night. That was hard to take - to hear you in pain, uncomfortable, and knowing there was nothing I could do to make you feel better. Fortunately by the end of March you were back to your normal happy self.

Because of all the sickness, March was a pretty quiet month. We did have some fabulous weather one week, however, so we really took advantage of that. For a whole week it ranged from 20-25 degrees! You LOVED being outside and playing. You played in puddles for the first time, you learned how to climb your little slide and slide down it. You ate outside at daycare and you walked from our house to grandmas in your t-shirt and sandals. I can tell it's going to be a fun summer!

Last weekend we went away to North Conway, NH for the weekend. I'm happy to confirm that you are still a very good traveler. Maybe that's because you traveled so much in your first year, but the 3 hour car ride didn't bother you one bit! We stayed at a hotel with a pool and you loved that so much! We went swimming and you were screeching with excitement the whole time. We played volleyball with your little blue ball, and you were bouncing it off your head and having a blast. It's always so great to see your wonderful smile.

You loved eating at Friendly's! You especially loved your dessert, lol!

You are starting to say a few words, finally: moo (your favourite), fini, banana (that one's new), dog, mama. And you understand what we're saying really well.

You also love to run around the house naked! I think that's your favourite time of day - after bath time. You're so excited to be pat down with the towel so you can run around naked. You giggle so much because it's so fun to be free. It'll be fun this summer when you can be naked in your little pool and run around outside naked.  hee hee

You've started to play tag, and love being chased. You get a kick out of it. You also want to play chase with Schooner, but he doesn't seem to interested in you. I think that frustrates you a little, or maybe it just frustrates Schooner. You chase him, he runs away, you go up to him, he gets up and walks in the other direction. I can tell you just want to play with him, so I'm sorry he's not a younger dog. Perhaps when you're older we'll get you a dog you can take care of and play with.

Piglet, your personality and amazing smile and love makes me so happy. I love that you are starting to give me hugs and kisses.  Keep that up okay?

xoxo
Mum and dad

8 months - missed!

I just realized: I missed the 26th!!  This is the first month since Riley died that I didn't pay attention to the date. 8 months.  That's how long it took.  What progress. A part of me feels bad that I forgot, but I'm also so happy to feel like I'm really moving on. And now that I have Riley's ring with his name and bday on it, every time I look at it, I think of him. So I don't need a date anymore. 

I feel like this huge weight just lifted off my shoulders. In a way I feel free. Free of agony, guilt, remorse. I still miss him and think of him, of course, but I feel like I am finally living in the now and no longer thinking of "what if".

8 months.  That's how long it took me to accept and to heal.  What a moment.

Speech Therapy

Neil had his 18-mth check up last Friday (and I just realized it's time for his letter I'll do that next). Everything went well; he's well within his curve, he gross and fine motor skills are completely up to snuff.  The only thing is his speech.  He's a little behind and so his doctor recommended he do speech therapy. He's 20 months old (18 mths corrected age) and he only says 3-4 words:  moo (of course!), "nini", meaning "fini" (finished, in french), banana and dog. It's progress for sure, but he's a little behind. The doctor said she doesn't see any indication of a mental development issue (like autism, or a handicap), but that he probably just needs therapy to catch up.

So my head takes this all in rationally, but of course I can't help be emotional about it. We all want our babies to be "perfect" and to develop normally and not have any problems. But the reality of it is, and I can understand this perfectly, it's very often that things don't develop "perfectly".

So while I know he's going to be fine, it's still a little hard to take. Because he was a preemie, there's always been a fear in the back of my head that something's "wrong" with him.

I just have to remind myself: he didn't walk until 17 1/2 months; it will probably be the same with talking.

Right??

Is a Life without Fear Possible?

Every time I look at Neil I am overcome with love and joy and pride. He's such a terrific kid and I'm so proud to be his momma. But I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to him. I'm sure every parent feels that way, but for me I feel like it's different. It's like I'm waiting for the other ball to drop; that it can't actually be right - us being happy? I'm terrified it will all come crashing down and we'll be left with nothing. That every child we every tried to have died. It's so morbid, I know, but it's such a strong fear.

Yesterday D. and I were talking about how lucky we are with Neil - that he's such an amazing kid. And I'm not just saying that. I mean seriously - he goes to bed at 6.30pm every night and sleeps until 7am the next morning! Oh, and when he's ready for bed he literally gets up, walks to his bedroom, puts his thumb in his mouth, picks up his lamb, and waits for one of us to put him in his crib. Then he smiles at you and goes to sleep. Without a peep. Yeah, I know!

So we were talking about how lucky we are with Neil; that he's a "perfect" kid; that why would we want to press our luck with another one. That the next one might be the "nightmare" child everyone dreads. We laughed about it. He was serious. I wasn't, really.

I know it's horrible to admit, but I often think: what if we don't have another child and something happens to Neil? Then we'd have nothing. And of course you can't replace one child with another, but when Riley died I got so much strength from Neil, just having him in our lives, it made such a difference. If we had another child, would this immense fear go away? Would it minimize into just regular fear? Or, regardless of how many children we have will I always have the same fear? I don't know.

Not Pregnant

I took a pregnancy test today.  It was negative.  I didn't actually think I was pregnant, but I've been sick all week, and I've been really nauseous and feeling faint, so I thought, well...maybe? I knew deep down inside it was almost impossible (I've got an IUD), but stranger things have happened. I mean I got pregnant with Riley while I was breastfeeding Neil and on the pill. So I took the test.  It was negative.

A little piece of me was hoping, wishing it were positive. Because then I wouldn't have to make the decision to start trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't have to decide - am I really sure I want to go through this again? The decision would have been made and I would have accepted it and gone forward.

But it was negative.  So although I'm not surprised, I am secretly a little disappointed. It just would have been so much easier this way!

Letter to Neil Canyon - 19 months

March 10, 2012 (19 months)

Okay, so I'm late this month.  Sorry buddy!  February was another eventful month, that's to be sure.  Of course you got sick again and this was the worst one yet.  You got 2 ear infections and bronchitis.  No fun.  Poor pumpkin you were stuffed up and coughing and you had to go back on antibiotics and use a puffer. It was not a fun 10 days. I hate to see you sick, and suffering, but I selfishly enjoy the moments when you just want to lie in my arms and rest.  It's the only time you want to be cuddled, so I really take advantage of those moments.

Other than that it's been a pretty good month.  You continue to flourish at daycare.  You are now sliding down the "mountain" all on your own.  To be honest I was a little shocked and slightly nervous the first time I saw you do this, but the joy and excitement on your face certainly made up for it.

You are just a walking machine!  What a difference 2 months makes. You run around the house now; you walk from the house to the garage; you walk down the road to grandma's.  I'll tell you, it's so much easier now that you take yourself from point A to point me.

As each month passes you continue to state your independence and you see what you can get away with. You don't always come when I ask you to and you have fun running away from me when it's time to get dressed! Your infectious laughter makes it hard to get mad at you though, and I have a hard time keeping myself from laughing when you do that.

You love being naked!  After you bath you love running throughout the house, bare-bottomed, with a big grin on your face.  It's adorable. You also know exactly when you are ready for bed.  You'll be playing in the living room with your pj's on and then all of a sudden you'll get up, walk to the hallway and straight into your room.  you'll pull your blue bunny blankie off the side of your crib, stick your thumb in your mouth and lift your arms up to be put to bed.  I kiss you goodnight and you are asleep in minutes.  Bed time is so stress-free with you.  I am so blessed.

I'm getting a little tired of winter, and I think you are too, so it will be nice when we don't have to wear snow suits every morning and when going outside is just a matter of opening the front door.  Spring has never looked so enticing as it does now that you are in our lives. Still we try to make the most of it.  You've been on a few skidoo rides and even helped daddy plow the driveways after a big snow storm.

You no longer love to be in your stroller.  That's a not so welcomed development!  No more shopping for Neil and mommy! We went to the mall on my birthday.  You were good for the first 20 minutes after which nothing would make you happy.  And you were fed, napped and changed.  You just wanted to explore; not watch mommy try on shoes.  I can't imaging why.  lol!

Next month is your 18 month (corrected age) check up with Dr. Belanger.  We'll get to see what she thinks about all these ear infections you've been having and whether it's having an impact on your speech and hearing. We'll see :)

It's nice to see you really understanding what we tell you now.  When we say, "go get your boots", or "shut the cupboard", you understand and do what we ask you to.  It's so great to see!

Piglet, you continue to amaze me, and I continue to be amazed at how happy you make me and how happy I am being a mom.  Keep smiling that beautiful smile of yours.

xoxo
Mommy and daddy

Other anniversaries

Thursday marked the 3rd month anniversary of my mother's death.  It's been a sad week, to say the least.  Of course it doesn't help that I'm pms-ing either! I called my dad Thursday morning to let him know I was thinking of him and that I knew it was the 8th and that I wanted him to know I remembered.  That's something I've found hard to handle as more months pass between Riley's death - people forget.  It's not that they're unsympathetic or uncaring, they simply have their own lives.  But you never forget.  I'll never forget the 26th just like I'll never forget the 8th.  And so I wanted dad to know that I didn't forget.

Lately I've been starting to think more and more about the idea of getting pregnant again.  I could do it, right?  If I got pregnant next fall I would be 35 when I delivered.  That's totally feasible, right? It's nice to feel excited about the idea.  Of course it's still ridiculously terrifying, but it does excite me.  I just feel like I want to try one last time.

6 months

6 months today.  Has it really been that long?  That short?  My life has changed so much in the last 6 months it's hard to imagine what life would have been life with Riley here. I've had such incredible moments of anguish, but yet I am pleasantly surprised to say that there have been some good moments, too, throughout it all.

Six months ago it was impossible to imagine a life without Riley, where we were happy and we had moved on. But I genuinely feel like I have.  Of course there are moments where I miss him dreadfully and wish he were with us today, but ultimately I know that this is the way it was supposed to be.

I think that having Neil in our lives has made all the difference.  If he weren't here with us, I don't think I would have been able to rebound so quickly.  But every day he does something that makes me smile; that makes me laugh; that makes me angry!  And I take strength in those moments, even if they do remind me of what we lost with Riley.

I am now wearing Riley's ring on my finger, so I know I will never forget him and he will always be in my heart, but I truly feel ready to move on.  That I have moved on. And for that I am so incredibly thankful.  The grief, the pain is not so strong anymore.

Will we have another child?  Who knows.  At 34 years old I know I'll have to make that decision soon, but for now I am ready to be content with my life and maybe in 3 months, 6 months, 2 years this blog will share the wonderful news that I am pregnant again.  Or maybe it won't.  We'll see what the future has in store...

♥ Riley Quinn Taylor ♥ - missing you always, but thankful you and grandma are watching over each other.

Love and kisses

This evening before sending Neil to bed, I said to him: "Mommy loves Neil.  Does Neil love mommy?" and he leaned over to me and kissed me on the cheek!  So I asked him again, "Mommy loves Neil.  Does Neil love mommy?".  And again he leans in to kiss me.  Then he puts his check against my chest and gives me a hug.

This is the first time he's given me a hug!  It was such a heartwarming, magical, precious moment.

We played this "game" of kisses and hugs for a few minutes, giggling and laughing.  Then, just as quickly as it began, he turned around and went to play with his tractor.  :)

Bless his little cotton socks.  What a wonderful moment.

A mother's ring for Riley's memory

Last November my mother and I were talking about Riley and his untimely death.  I told her about another woman who had lost her child to stillbirth whose friend had given her a ring with her daughter's birthstone on it to remember her by.  My mom thought that was such a lovely idea and offered to do the same for Riley.  We talked about doing it for Christmas, but with shipping delays, etc, it didn't work out.  And then she died.

I thought about that ring often.  A few weeks ago I told my dad about this conversation between my mom and I and he said he would like to buy that ring for me for my birthday (which is tomorrow) from my mom.

The ring arrived today and it's beautiful.  It's got Riley's birthstone and has his name engraved on one side, and his birth date on another. It's so lovely and such a great way for me to remember him.

So tomorrow is my birthday.  My first birthday without my mom. It's hard, knowing she won't be calling me tomorrow. That I can't share my current life experiences with her.  I'll be 34 tomorrow.  She was 43 when she had me.  Kind of ironic, isn't it?  That our ages are inverted?  I miss her so much. And I miss Riley so much. Oh gosh, what a year it's been.  I truly hope my 34th year is one filled with happiness and joy.

Hit by the Emotions of Grief

This past week I've had several moments of intense grief, all surrounding the death of my mother.  I remember the night she died.  I remember seeing her in the hospital, on the respirator, waiting for us to decide to remove it. Today at work I was cleaning out some old emails and came across 4 emails from my mom.  She had sent me photos her friends took at my wedding, and had sent them to me.  But in the email there were no words; just "here are the photos I told you about.  Love mum".  It killed me.  I wanted so bad to see some true words from her; something to connect me to her.  It made me so sad.

Last September my mother had an intense allergic reaction to a medication while she was staying with me.  It was 3 weeks after Riley died and I ended up having to call an ambulance and she was rushed to hospital.  Fortunately, she ended up pulling through.  A few weeks letter she sent me a card thanking me for everything I did for her.  But I didn't keep the card. I read it, appreciated it, and then recycled it.  And I regret that action so much.  So so much.

I guess my only advice to everyone out there is: keep the notes, the letters people give you.  Even if you think they don't mean much to you now, they will some day.  I wish so much I had kept that card because my mother said so many wonderful, loving things in it.  And it's the last card/note she wrote to me. But I didn't keep it.

I miss her so much. I miss picking up the phone and calling her. I miss sharing stories about tv shows, movies, shopping. I regret feeling frustrated with her fading memory. I regret sometimes not answering the phone because I was busy with my own life. I wish I had answered the phone the morning of the day she died. Instead when I called her back she was on her way to her doctor's office.  And the next thing I knew she was in a coma.

That is the only thing I regret in my life.

I miss her so much.

Dear Neil (18 months)

Darling Neil (18 months),

Okay, so technically you're not 18 months until Tuesday, but I know I'm going to be too busy this week to write to you, so I'm taking this opportunity now.

You started walking this month!!!  On Tuesday, January 10th, to be exact.  It was such a wonderful, happy, heartfelt moment.  We had been waiting for this moment for months and months.  Each week, and month, we were sure this would be it.  But no, we had to wait until you were ready.

It was Tuesday evening.  Sabrina, at daycare, had given us pictures from your Christmas party.  Daddy was showing you the pictures.  He was sitting on the couch.  You were standing with one hand on the coffee table, about 2 feet away from him.  Then you took 4 steps towards him.  We both looked at each other in amazement.  So daddy got up and stood on the other side of the room and showed you the pictures again.  And you walked across the room to him!!!  It was so wonderful!  Dennis and I looked both reacted in such excitement, clapping and applauding you ridiculously.  And then, wouldn't you know it, you walked around the entire house!  From the living room, to the kitchen, past the dining room, through the hallway and back to the living room again.  It was such an amazing moment.

I started laughing and smiling.  I was so happy.  And then I started crying because all I wanted to do was call your grandma and share this moment with her.  She would have been so happy too.  And I know she was watching you from heaven and was praising you from above.

Since that moment it's been non-stop for you.  It's hard to believe you've only been walking for 2 1/2 weeks because you are on your feet all day.  Your friends at daycare have so much fun with you, too. Sabrina says they play games with you, seeing who you'll walk towards.  You've also gotten more comfortable walking in boots, which is so great considering we're in the height of winter.  In fact tonight you walked all throughout the barn.

Sabrina also thinks you're starting to say words at daycare.  After lunch you lift your glass and say "nini".  The rest of your friends say "fini" (finished, in french), and she's sure you're doing the same thing.  This makes us very happy too because we can't understand a "word" you say at home :)

You're also starting to make the most interesting expressions.  Your personality is really shining through.  It's very obvious when you're not happy, when you don't get what you want, when you're just "pretending" to be upset.  And it's also obvious when you're happy.  You have such a great laugh, and it's so easy to make you laugh.  It's so wonderful that you're such a happy, go-lucky kid.

So, darling Neil, until next month.  What news will we have to share then?

Kisses and stars and hugs.

Mummy and daddy

People Just Don't Get it Sometimes

I had lunch today with a very good friend.  She, her husband, and 2 of her 3 children came over for lunch.  Her children are 4, 2 1/2 and 8 months.  She was one of the first friends I saw after Riley died.  She was so supportive, and cried with me, and let me talk about the whole situation.  But every pregnancy she's had has gone perfectly.  She's never had a problem/scare/question regarding her pregnancies or births.

So today we started talking about the possibility of us trying to conceive again.  And I said how, come May, D and I will have a decision to make.  Since I've now got an IUD it's not like we can just "see what happens".  We are going to have to make a conscious decision as to whether or not we're going to try again.

And I said to her, "I know I really want another child, I just don't know if I have the courage and the strength to go through the fear and stress of pregnancy for 40 weeks".

Her response: but there's no reason to think that anything will happen.  Your past pregnancies were flukes, one-offs, they're not related.

And she just couldn't understand.

That's what we said with Neil - well our first pregnancy was so awful, we can't go through anything worse.  And he was born 9 weeks premature.

Then with Riley we said - well, we've been hit enough already, nothing else can go wrong, right?  And Riley died at 29 weeks.

So do I really want to take my chances again?  Shouldn't I just count my blessings and stop at one?

But I really want another child.  So I honestly don't know what to do.  D. is perfectly happy with our family of 3.  But me, I really, really want another child.  So I don't know.  How will I know if I'm ready to try again?  And what if something happens again?  how will I handle it?  how will I manage?  It's just so terrifying.

5 Months & baby sighting

The irony of the situation is unbelievable.  Today, on the 5 month anniversary of Riley's death, I came face to face with a baby who is 5 months old.  A woman on maternity leave came to visit the office today with her 2nd baby, a boy, who is 5 months old.  At first I was able to keep my composure, say all the right things, ooh and ahh. But then the more I looked at him, I couldn't keep the emotions in any longer and I had to leave the room.

This is the first baby I've seen that belongs to someone I know.  I've seen other babies, at the mall, or out and about, but they always belonged to strangers.  And while I got emotional then, it just wasn't the same feeling.  I mean this baby is the exact same age Riley would have been.  It was just so strange.

But I got through it.  I got a hold of my emotions and was able to return to the room, with a smile on my face.  I guess that's my reality from now on.

5 months

Today while having lunch with a co-worker, I realized I had forgotten that tomorrow marks the 5 month mark since Riley's death.  It made me feel both happy and sad.  Happy because I feel like I'm finally moving on with my life, and sad because a part of me feels like I'm starting to forget him.

It's hard to believe that 5 months have gone by.  August 26th feels like many moons ago.  Like another lifetime; another world.  So much has happened since then, it's hard to process it all.

It makes me wonder how I'll feel next August.  Where will I be?  Will I be pregnant?  Will I be trying to conceive?  Or will I be too scared to try?

A new year; a new life

It's been 2 weeks since I wrote on my blog. Life has been catching up with me, which is really good.  I went back to work on January 3rd and it's going really well.  Our company moved offices, so I went back to a completely new location, which was refreshing.  My team was really happy to have me back, and I'm motivated and energized about work again.  It's a great feeling.

During the first few months after Riley's death I sought solace in other stillbirth blogs.  Reading about those women's experiencing and knowing that they were going through what I was going through was really comforting to me.  The very first blog I discovered was about Baby Kayla. It was like fate brought me to this woman's site, because every feeling, every thought she wrote down was what I was experiencing.  She lost her baby in May, so I was able to go back and read her posts and know that what I was feeling was normal, and made sense.  It brought me such a sense of peace.

So it made me so happy to learn today that Kayla's mom is pregnant again!  And to be honest, I'm a little jealous too :)  I want another baby so much, as well, but I know I have to wait a little longer before trying again.  So instead, once again, I'll take comfort in reading about her journey, and understanding the fears and excitement she must be going through.

It really makes me think about it.  How terrifying those 40 weeks are going to be, if they ever do happen to me.  Once you've lived through stillbirth, any future pregnancy experience will never be "normal".  You'll never have the "normal" excitement of your 12 week ultrasound; your 20 week ultrasound; feeling the baby move.  Each milestone, each event will bring about another round of fear.

But it's all worth it, right?  Because in the end you'll end up with a living, healthy baby.

So, Kayla's mom, I wish you so much strength and courage and I'd admire you for taking the plunge and going for it again.  I so, so hope that this pregnancy turns out to be everything your last one wasn't.  And I can't wait to welcome your new baby to the world this August.

Dear Neil

Dear Neil (17 months),

I'm sorry I didn't write to you last month, but your wonderful, amazing, loving grandmother passed away.  She's going to miss you so much.  Oh how she wanted to see you grow up.  She used to joke that she wanted to see you turn 20, which would have made her 95!  But alas, she didn't make it.

The last 2 months have been overwhelming.  You went to Montego Bay, Jamaica with mom and dad and had the most amazing time!  You weren't stressed at all about the vacation, but mommy was a little :)  Luckily we had John and Jojo, and Don and Sue to help us out.  Oh how you loved the pool.  We swam every day, twice a day, sometimes 3 times a day!  You didn't seem to like the ocean that much, which is strange, since you were enamored with it in August.  So, we spent most of our time in the pool.  And you ate watermelon for the first time, and "momma Jojo" let you eat the slice all by yourself. In fact, mom learned to chill out regarding your eating during this trip. You also loved the morning smoothies, you ate french fries for the first time, and you loved ice cream (or course!).

Christmas was a subdued time, but you enjoyed yourself.  And boy were you spoiled!  It seemed like everyone we knew got you a present.  We were hoping your Christmas present to us would be to start walking, but it's just not happening yet.  You're so close, and we know you can do it, you're just lacking confidence or something. But we're not too worried.  You are a preemie after all, so you've got a few months to go. And soon enough you'll be running all over the place and we won't be able to catch you :)

You make the funniest expressions sometimes, and I see you discovering new things in the world around you every day.  This past week you were home each day (daycare was closed), so we got to spend a lot of time with you.  We went for walks, we played, we shopped, we visited people, and through it all I amazed by your good nature. Sure you get frustrated sometimes, but overall you are such a good natured, warm hearted happy boy.

You love music.  You love to dance around and clap your hands.  You love playing with blocks and shapes and putting the shapes back in the "cookie jar". And every couple of days I see you learning a new shape.  You can almost get them all through their respective slots!

You're climbing everywhere.  This last week you learned how to climb onto the chair, and most times you can make it onto the couch.  This excites you because it gives you a different perspective.  You climb the stairs really quickly, but you haven't quite mastered how to climb back down!  We're working on that.

Through it all you've kept our spirits high, and helped us be thankful for what we do have.  My heart aches that you'll never know your grandmother, but know that she loved you so much.  She was so amazed by you and would do anything for you.

Till next month.

love
Mom and dad

2012...New Year, New Memories

Goodbye 2011.  Thank you for bringing me some wonderful moments, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was ready to see you go.  The last 4 months, especially, have been very trying times. When I look back on 2011, I do have some wonderful memories.  I was able to travel a lot, I spent more time with my husband than I ever have, and I got to experiences some amazing highs.  But I also experienced the most excruciating lows. I lost Riley in the most heartbreaking way, and I lost my mother so suddenly, so unexpectedly.

And yet, through it all, I have found my peace; my understanding. I've come to terms with it all. And, you know, if Riley hadn't died, I don't think I would have been able to accept my mother's death as well as I have. Understanding the grief, and what I'm feeling, really helped me. And having this sense of peace and relief that neither Riley, nor my mother, would alone anymore really helped me.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm in denial.  Maybe I haven't accepted her death, but in all honesty I truly believe that I have.  Is that possible?  After only 3 1/2 weeks? I don't know why, but I just feel like this is what was supposed to happen.  Mom always said she didn't want to die a slow and painful death, and she didn't want to end up with dementia or Alzheimer. And over the last 1-2 years I've seen my mother's memory fail her and I thought she may be on that path.  And since she died my dad admitted to me that he thought maybe she was headed there too.  So isn't it better this way?  Isn't it better that she died before hitting that point?  And now my father (and I) doesn't have to live through that.  He will always have wonderful memories of my mother. He won't have memories of her losing herself to the illness.

So yeah.  Goodbye 2011.  Hello 2012.

Here are my resolutions for 2012:

• I resolve to always remember how lucky I am
• I resolve to be happy as much as possible, and to not let myself get brought down by the little things
• I resolve not to take out my frustrations on my husband!
• I resolve to enjoy every moment with my son...even when he is crying and screaming and frustrating me!
• I resolve to focus on myself, my lifestyle, to remain as healthy as possible

and finally

• I resolve to now allow the decision of whether or not to get pregnant again to eat at me every day.  If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Goodbye 2011.

Hello 2012.