6 months

6 months today.  Has it really been that long?  That short?  My life has changed so much in the last 6 months it's hard to imagine what life would have been life with Riley here. I've had such incredible moments of anguish, but yet I am pleasantly surprised to say that there have been some good moments, too, throughout it all.

Six months ago it was impossible to imagine a life without Riley, where we were happy and we had moved on. But I genuinely feel like I have.  Of course there are moments where I miss him dreadfully and wish he were with us today, but ultimately I know that this is the way it was supposed to be.

I think that having Neil in our lives has made all the difference.  If he weren't here with us, I don't think I would have been able to rebound so quickly.  But every day he does something that makes me smile; that makes me laugh; that makes me angry!  And I take strength in those moments, even if they do remind me of what we lost with Riley.

I am now wearing Riley's ring on my finger, so I know I will never forget him and he will always be in my heart, but I truly feel ready to move on.  That I have moved on. And for that I am so incredibly thankful.  The grief, the pain is not so strong anymore.

Will we have another child?  Who knows.  At 34 years old I know I'll have to make that decision soon, but for now I am ready to be content with my life and maybe in 3 months, 6 months, 2 years this blog will share the wonderful news that I am pregnant again.  Or maybe it won't.  We'll see what the future has in store...

♥ Riley Quinn Taylor ♥ - missing you always, but thankful you and grandma are watching over each other.

Love and kisses

This evening before sending Neil to bed, I said to him: "Mommy loves Neil.  Does Neil love mommy?" and he leaned over to me and kissed me on the cheek!  So I asked him again, "Mommy loves Neil.  Does Neil love mommy?".  And again he leans in to kiss me.  Then he puts his check against my chest and gives me a hug.

This is the first time he's given me a hug!  It was such a heartwarming, magical, precious moment.

We played this "game" of kisses and hugs for a few minutes, giggling and laughing.  Then, just as quickly as it began, he turned around and went to play with his tractor.  :)

Bless his little cotton socks.  What a wonderful moment.

A mother's ring for Riley's memory

Last November my mother and I were talking about Riley and his untimely death.  I told her about another woman who had lost her child to stillbirth whose friend had given her a ring with her daughter's birthstone on it to remember her by.  My mom thought that was such a lovely idea and offered to do the same for Riley.  We talked about doing it for Christmas, but with shipping delays, etc, it didn't work out.  And then she died.

I thought about that ring often.  A few weeks ago I told my dad about this conversation between my mom and I and he said he would like to buy that ring for me for my birthday (which is tomorrow) from my mom.

The ring arrived today and it's beautiful.  It's got Riley's birthstone and has his name engraved on one side, and his birth date on another. It's so lovely and such a great way for me to remember him.

So tomorrow is my birthday.  My first birthday without my mom. It's hard, knowing she won't be calling me tomorrow. That I can't share my current life experiences with her.  I'll be 34 tomorrow.  She was 43 when she had me.  Kind of ironic, isn't it?  That our ages are inverted?  I miss her so much. And I miss Riley so much. Oh gosh, what a year it's been.  I truly hope my 34th year is one filled with happiness and joy.

Hit by the Emotions of Grief

This past week I've had several moments of intense grief, all surrounding the death of my mother.  I remember the night she died.  I remember seeing her in the hospital, on the respirator, waiting for us to decide to remove it. Today at work I was cleaning out some old emails and came across 4 emails from my mom.  She had sent me photos her friends took at my wedding, and had sent them to me.  But in the email there were no words; just "here are the photos I told you about.  Love mum".  It killed me.  I wanted so bad to see some true words from her; something to connect me to her.  It made me so sad.

Last September my mother had an intense allergic reaction to a medication while she was staying with me.  It was 3 weeks after Riley died and I ended up having to call an ambulance and she was rushed to hospital.  Fortunately, she ended up pulling through.  A few weeks letter she sent me a card thanking me for everything I did for her.  But I didn't keep the card. I read it, appreciated it, and then recycled it.  And I regret that action so much.  So so much.

I guess my only advice to everyone out there is: keep the notes, the letters people give you.  Even if you think they don't mean much to you now, they will some day.  I wish so much I had kept that card because my mother said so many wonderful, loving things in it.  And it's the last card/note she wrote to me. But I didn't keep it.

I miss her so much. I miss picking up the phone and calling her. I miss sharing stories about tv shows, movies, shopping. I regret feeling frustrated with her fading memory. I regret sometimes not answering the phone because I was busy with my own life. I wish I had answered the phone the morning of the day she died. Instead when I called her back she was on her way to her doctor's office.  And the next thing I knew she was in a coma.

That is the only thing I regret in my life.

I miss her so much.