Dear Neil (18 months)

Darling Neil (18 months),

Okay, so technically you're not 18 months until Tuesday, but I know I'm going to be too busy this week to write to you, so I'm taking this opportunity now.

You started walking this month!!!  On Tuesday, January 10th, to be exact.  It was such a wonderful, happy, heartfelt moment.  We had been waiting for this moment for months and months.  Each week, and month, we were sure this would be it.  But no, we had to wait until you were ready.

It was Tuesday evening.  Sabrina, at daycare, had given us pictures from your Christmas party.  Daddy was showing you the pictures.  He was sitting on the couch.  You were standing with one hand on the coffee table, about 2 feet away from him.  Then you took 4 steps towards him.  We both looked at each other in amazement.  So daddy got up and stood on the other side of the room and showed you the pictures again.  And you walked across the room to him!!!  It was so wonderful!  Dennis and I looked both reacted in such excitement, clapping and applauding you ridiculously.  And then, wouldn't you know it, you walked around the entire house!  From the living room, to the kitchen, past the dining room, through the hallway and back to the living room again.  It was such an amazing moment.

I started laughing and smiling.  I was so happy.  And then I started crying because all I wanted to do was call your grandma and share this moment with her.  She would have been so happy too.  And I know she was watching you from heaven and was praising you from above.

Since that moment it's been non-stop for you.  It's hard to believe you've only been walking for 2 1/2 weeks because you are on your feet all day.  Your friends at daycare have so much fun with you, too. Sabrina says they play games with you, seeing who you'll walk towards.  You've also gotten more comfortable walking in boots, which is so great considering we're in the height of winter.  In fact tonight you walked all throughout the barn.

Sabrina also thinks you're starting to say words at daycare.  After lunch you lift your glass and say "nini".  The rest of your friends say "fini" (finished, in french), and she's sure you're doing the same thing.  This makes us very happy too because we can't understand a "word" you say at home :)

You're also starting to make the most interesting expressions.  Your personality is really shining through.  It's very obvious when you're not happy, when you don't get what you want, when you're just "pretending" to be upset.  And it's also obvious when you're happy.  You have such a great laugh, and it's so easy to make you laugh.  It's so wonderful that you're such a happy, go-lucky kid.

So, darling Neil, until next month.  What news will we have to share then?

Kisses and stars and hugs.

Mummy and daddy

People Just Don't Get it Sometimes

I had lunch today with a very good friend.  She, her husband, and 2 of her 3 children came over for lunch.  Her children are 4, 2 1/2 and 8 months.  She was one of the first friends I saw after Riley died.  She was so supportive, and cried with me, and let me talk about the whole situation.  But every pregnancy she's had has gone perfectly.  She's never had a problem/scare/question regarding her pregnancies or births.

So today we started talking about the possibility of us trying to conceive again.  And I said how, come May, D and I will have a decision to make.  Since I've now got an IUD it's not like we can just "see what happens".  We are going to have to make a conscious decision as to whether or not we're going to try again.

And I said to her, "I know I really want another child, I just don't know if I have the courage and the strength to go through the fear and stress of pregnancy for 40 weeks".

Her response: but there's no reason to think that anything will happen.  Your past pregnancies were flukes, one-offs, they're not related.

And she just couldn't understand.

That's what we said with Neil - well our first pregnancy was so awful, we can't go through anything worse.  And he was born 9 weeks premature.

Then with Riley we said - well, we've been hit enough already, nothing else can go wrong, right?  And Riley died at 29 weeks.

So do I really want to take my chances again?  Shouldn't I just count my blessings and stop at one?

But I really want another child.  So I honestly don't know what to do.  D. is perfectly happy with our family of 3.  But me, I really, really want another child.  So I don't know.  How will I know if I'm ready to try again?  And what if something happens again?  how will I handle it?  how will I manage?  It's just so terrifying.

5 Months & baby sighting

The irony of the situation is unbelievable.  Today, on the 5 month anniversary of Riley's death, I came face to face with a baby who is 5 months old.  A woman on maternity leave came to visit the office today with her 2nd baby, a boy, who is 5 months old.  At first I was able to keep my composure, say all the right things, ooh and ahh. But then the more I looked at him, I couldn't keep the emotions in any longer and I had to leave the room.

This is the first baby I've seen that belongs to someone I know.  I've seen other babies, at the mall, or out and about, but they always belonged to strangers.  And while I got emotional then, it just wasn't the same feeling.  I mean this baby is the exact same age Riley would have been.  It was just so strange.

But I got through it.  I got a hold of my emotions and was able to return to the room, with a smile on my face.  I guess that's my reality from now on.

5 months

Today while having lunch with a co-worker, I realized I had forgotten that tomorrow marks the 5 month mark since Riley's death.  It made me feel both happy and sad.  Happy because I feel like I'm finally moving on with my life, and sad because a part of me feels like I'm starting to forget him.

It's hard to believe that 5 months have gone by.  August 26th feels like many moons ago.  Like another lifetime; another world.  So much has happened since then, it's hard to process it all.

It makes me wonder how I'll feel next August.  Where will I be?  Will I be pregnant?  Will I be trying to conceive?  Or will I be too scared to try?

A new year; a new life

It's been 2 weeks since I wrote on my blog. Life has been catching up with me, which is really good.  I went back to work on January 3rd and it's going really well.  Our company moved offices, so I went back to a completely new location, which was refreshing.  My team was really happy to have me back, and I'm motivated and energized about work again.  It's a great feeling.

During the first few months after Riley's death I sought solace in other stillbirth blogs.  Reading about those women's experiencing and knowing that they were going through what I was going through was really comforting to me.  The very first blog I discovered was about Baby Kayla. It was like fate brought me to this woman's site, because every feeling, every thought she wrote down was what I was experiencing.  She lost her baby in May, so I was able to go back and read her posts and know that what I was feeling was normal, and made sense.  It brought me such a sense of peace.

So it made me so happy to learn today that Kayla's mom is pregnant again!  And to be honest, I'm a little jealous too :)  I want another baby so much, as well, but I know I have to wait a little longer before trying again.  So instead, once again, I'll take comfort in reading about her journey, and understanding the fears and excitement she must be going through.

It really makes me think about it.  How terrifying those 40 weeks are going to be, if they ever do happen to me.  Once you've lived through stillbirth, any future pregnancy experience will never be "normal".  You'll never have the "normal" excitement of your 12 week ultrasound; your 20 week ultrasound; feeling the baby move.  Each milestone, each event will bring about another round of fear.

But it's all worth it, right?  Because in the end you'll end up with a living, healthy baby.

So, Kayla's mom, I wish you so much strength and courage and I'd admire you for taking the plunge and going for it again.  I so, so hope that this pregnancy turns out to be everything your last one wasn't.  And I can't wait to welcome your new baby to the world this August.

Dear Neil

Dear Neil (17 months),

I'm sorry I didn't write to you last month, but your wonderful, amazing, loving grandmother passed away.  She's going to miss you so much.  Oh how she wanted to see you grow up.  She used to joke that she wanted to see you turn 20, which would have made her 95!  But alas, she didn't make it.

The last 2 months have been overwhelming.  You went to Montego Bay, Jamaica with mom and dad and had the most amazing time!  You weren't stressed at all about the vacation, but mommy was a little :)  Luckily we had John and Jojo, and Don and Sue to help us out.  Oh how you loved the pool.  We swam every day, twice a day, sometimes 3 times a day!  You didn't seem to like the ocean that much, which is strange, since you were enamored with it in August.  So, we spent most of our time in the pool.  And you ate watermelon for the first time, and "momma Jojo" let you eat the slice all by yourself. In fact, mom learned to chill out regarding your eating during this trip. You also loved the morning smoothies, you ate french fries for the first time, and you loved ice cream (or course!).

Christmas was a subdued time, but you enjoyed yourself.  And boy were you spoiled!  It seemed like everyone we knew got you a present.  We were hoping your Christmas present to us would be to start walking, but it's just not happening yet.  You're so close, and we know you can do it, you're just lacking confidence or something. But we're not too worried.  You are a preemie after all, so you've got a few months to go. And soon enough you'll be running all over the place and we won't be able to catch you :)

You make the funniest expressions sometimes, and I see you discovering new things in the world around you every day.  This past week you were home each day (daycare was closed), so we got to spend a lot of time with you.  We went for walks, we played, we shopped, we visited people, and through it all I amazed by your good nature. Sure you get frustrated sometimes, but overall you are such a good natured, warm hearted happy boy.

You love music.  You love to dance around and clap your hands.  You love playing with blocks and shapes and putting the shapes back in the "cookie jar". And every couple of days I see you learning a new shape.  You can almost get them all through their respective slots!

You're climbing everywhere.  This last week you learned how to climb onto the chair, and most times you can make it onto the couch.  This excites you because it gives you a different perspective.  You climb the stairs really quickly, but you haven't quite mastered how to climb back down!  We're working on that.

Through it all you've kept our spirits high, and helped us be thankful for what we do have.  My heart aches that you'll never know your grandmother, but know that she loved you so much.  She was so amazed by you and would do anything for you.

Till next month.

love
Mom and dad

2012...New Year, New Memories

Goodbye 2011.  Thank you for bringing me some wonderful moments, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was ready to see you go.  The last 4 months, especially, have been very trying times. When I look back on 2011, I do have some wonderful memories.  I was able to travel a lot, I spent more time with my husband than I ever have, and I got to experiences some amazing highs.  But I also experienced the most excruciating lows. I lost Riley in the most heartbreaking way, and I lost my mother so suddenly, so unexpectedly.

And yet, through it all, I have found my peace; my understanding. I've come to terms with it all. And, you know, if Riley hadn't died, I don't think I would have been able to accept my mother's death as well as I have. Understanding the grief, and what I'm feeling, really helped me. And having this sense of peace and relief that neither Riley, nor my mother, would alone anymore really helped me.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm in denial.  Maybe I haven't accepted her death, but in all honesty I truly believe that I have.  Is that possible?  After only 3 1/2 weeks? I don't know why, but I just feel like this is what was supposed to happen.  Mom always said she didn't want to die a slow and painful death, and she didn't want to end up with dementia or Alzheimer. And over the last 1-2 years I've seen my mother's memory fail her and I thought she may be on that path.  And since she died my dad admitted to me that he thought maybe she was headed there too.  So isn't it better this way?  Isn't it better that she died before hitting that point?  And now my father (and I) doesn't have to live through that.  He will always have wonderful memories of my mother. He won't have memories of her losing herself to the illness.

So yeah.  Goodbye 2011.  Hello 2012.

Here are my resolutions for 2012:

• I resolve to always remember how lucky I am
• I resolve to be happy as much as possible, and to not let myself get brought down by the little things
• I resolve not to take out my frustrations on my husband!
• I resolve to enjoy every moment with my son...even when he is crying and screaming and frustrating me!
• I resolve to focus on myself, my lifestyle, to remain as healthy as possible

and finally

• I resolve to now allow the decision of whether or not to get pregnant again to eat at me every day.  If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Goodbye 2011.

Hello 2012.