A good day

Today was a good day.  I had to go for a 2nd glucose test because my first was .4 over the limit.  Apparently nothing alarming, but I had to do the 2nd test anyways.  So I get to the hospital, starving because I'm fasting, so I'm just a little grumpy.  they take my blood, give me the yummy orange drink to down in 5 minutes and it's off to the waiting room I go for a 2 hour wait.  But it wasn't all bad.  I ran into a girl I hadn't seen if 4 or 5 years and she was there for the same thing, so we got to catch up.  She had 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy, so she's really hopeful too. Her boyfriend got into a head-on collision in December and almost died.  He was in the hospital for 20 days and doesn't remember anything about it.  Kind of puts things into perspective, doesn't it?  At least my husband is healthy and present and super helpful and amazing.  I know I am very lucky.

During my first hour of waiting, Snoop Dog didn't really move all that much.  So of course I couldn't help focusing on that.  My during the second hour he start moving a lot so that was a huge sigh of relief.  Last time I did the 2nd glucose test was the day Riley died.  So this was a much better day.  And Snoop Dog is still moving, so I'm feeling much more relaxed.

Last night I had more contractions.  They weren't as severe as last week, but I was getting nervous.  So I took a bath like my doctor suggested and that seemed to help.  It seems like each evening I have little contractions.  Scary.  I see my doctor tomorrow, so we'll see what he says.  I'll be 28 weeks tomorrow.  That's good progress, but not far enough along!  That's what scares me about having contractions all the time, so I'm really trying to stay calm and relaxed.  3 more weeks until Neil's birth milestone.  It feels attainable.  It's almost like once I get past 31 weeks then I know Snoop Dog will be okay because if Neil survived at 31 weeks and is doing so well, then Snoop Dog will be too.

It feels good to have a good day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be good too...

Couch arrest day 5

It's Sunday.  The weekend's been tough.  Harder than the weekdays.  I love Neil but he's been tough to handle these last 2 days.  He just wants to play with me and I can't.  So he resorts to climbing all over me on the couch.  the poor little guy - he has no idea.  And D. just keeps saying "be gentle with mommy", but he doesn't understand that, or why. And if I try to tell him mommy's sick and needs to lie down, he doesn't get it either.

Yesterday I tried to explain to Neil that he was going to be a big brother soon; that we were having a little baby soon.  I pointed to my stomach and said, "mommy has a baby in her belly".  He lifted his shirt and pointed to his belly and said, "baby?"!  too cute.  So yeah, he doesn't get it.  All those articles and books that talk about explaining new baby to the older sibling.  So off.  Sorry, but a 2 yr old can't really understand it.  Then someone would probably tell me to buy a book about it for him.  Whatever!

So tomorrow is Monday, which means back to the weekday routine, which for whatever reason, I find much easier.  Then this week I have 2 dr appointments, which means at least I get to get out of the house :)  The days really are up and down.  At one hour I can't imagine how long the rest of this pregnancy will be, and then all of a sudden it's 5pm and I've made it through another day.

One day at a time...

Day 3 of couch arrest

It's day 3 of being a sedentary couch potato.  90 days to go. Today's Friday and I am dreading the weekend.  As much as I love my little boy, he is going to want to do stuff and I won't be able to do anything with him.  I can't take him outside, I can't go for a walk, even, I have to sit on my ass all day.  How do you explain that to a two year old?  Sorry, Neil, mommy has to stay sedentary so your brother, who you don't really realize is going to be here in 3 months, can live.  Doesn't really translate to a 2 year old, does it?

there's only so many puzzles and arts & crafts we can do.  Hopefully D. will be willing to take Neil out and do stuff with him.  Usually on the weekends we go into town, or go ski-doing  or something.  But it's always me who's the one who's suggesting things.  If it were's D.'s choice, he would spend weekends relaxing - because he works so hard all the other times.

I'm being hard on him, though, because he already does so much more around the house than any other husband I know.  He cleans, he does dishes, he does laundry, he cleans up after himself.  None of my friends' husbands do that.  So I know I'm lucky.  And already this week since I've been home he's been doing so much more.

How am I going to get through this? One day at a time?  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I think once I get to 32 weeks I'll be able to breathe a little easier.  I'll have past the 2 milestones (Riley - 29 weeks, Neil - 31 weeks) and then every day and week we go longer will be an added bonus.  So that's 5 weeks.  35 days.  I can do this, right?  On boy...

Hospital Scare

Written January 23, 2013, while in hospital:

So I spent the night in the hospital.  I had contractions and decided to come in.  Better safe than sorry, right? Turns out I was certainly having contractions but fortunately Snoop Dog was not on his way.

D. didn't come with me because I went in at 3am.  He stayed with Neil.  I was fine with that as long as he would join me in the morning.  He didn't get to the hospital until 11am!  I mean everything was okay and I was fine, but it would have been nice of him to have come earlier.  But of course there were problems at the barn and he had to work at those.  It's always something, isn't it?

Anyways, they took me for an ultrasound and the baby is fine and everything looks good, but my cervix while still long is slightly opened, around 2cm.  So that's indicative of me potentially going into labor in the next 5-6 weeks = 32 or 33 weeks.

But then again I could go all the way to 37 weeks.

Dr. Bureau just saw me.  He's on call today, so that's nice.  Now I don't have to see him this pm.  I'm basically now on "sedentary couch potato" rest for the next 10-13 weeks.  Yay.  But really, whatever it takes.  I really want Snoop Dog...Callum?...to be born as close to term as possible, so whatever it takes, right?

I miss my mom right now.  She would have come down to hang out with me and cook for me and take care of me.  Dad, although caring, loving, etc, just doesn't get it.  As long as I'm not dying he figures I'm okay!  But he's a man; that's how they are.  I think he and D. are more alike than D. likes to believe :)

10 weeks on the couch.  Well at least I'll be nice and rested for when baby comes.

Baby names: so now I'm leaning towards Callum or Hunter.  We'll see if that changes over the next 3 months.  Huh.  Last time I was writing about names was 3 days before Riley died.  Puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Re: Last post - wrong milestone. How did I get that wrong?

Okay, so I have no idea why, for but some strange reason, this whole pregnancy whenever I think of Riley I always thought he died at 26 weeks.  And I have no idea why!  Well, he died on August 26th, so maybe that's part of it, but it is so very, very strange.  And the whole pregnancy I've been telling people how Riley died at 26 weeks, so that's a really important milestone to get through and that how once I get past 26 weeks, I've breathe a little earlier.

Then Monday I ended up in the hospital for contractions (separate post to come about that one), and again I'm telling the doctors my last pregnancy ended at 26 weeks, and then Wednesday morning when I am in my hospital room waiting to be seen I pull out my recent journal, which I brought with me on a whim.  And I started to read the entries I wrote when Riley died.  And then I realized.  He died at 29 weeks, not at 26 weeks!

And I felt so guilty and stupid for remembering the wrong timeline.  And how readers of my last post must have been wondering if I'd totally lost my mind.  especially considering the title of my blog - Life after stillbirth at 29 weeks!   duh!

So yeah, I kind of laugh about it as I'm writing this.  I do feel silly.  And then stressed because I haven't crossed that milestone yet.  I still have 2 more weeks to go before 29 weeks.

But I really am feeling better about this pregnancy.  I really do believe that Snoop Dog (did I mention how that name came up?  More on that later) is going to be born healthy, and as close to term as possible.  Yes I'm scared and yes we never know what will happen, but I just have this feeling that everything's going to be okay.  And I'm holding on to that feeling like it's a lifeline holding me up when things get tough.

So back to Snoop Dog...

I was driving to Montreal last November with a friend from work and we were talking about baby names.  And of course we came up with all these lovely names.  And then this Snoop Dog (or now his name is Snoop Lion, I guess?!  wtf?) song came on and my friend said, "well you could always call him or her Snoop Dog!" And the name kind of stuck.  So now this baby will always be known as Snoop Dog.  Good thing it's a boy!  lol.  Yes, we will give him a real name, and we will call him by his name, don't worry, but it will be fun to nickname him Snoop Dog.  Or at least, I'll find it fun.  My husband not so much.  ha ha.

26 weeks..the big milestone

Today I am 26 weeks and still pregnant!  Saw my doctor today; heard baby's heartbeat.  I am so anxious to get through this week.  With Riley it was a Thursday (ie tomorrow) that we found out he had died.  The day Riley died I had my diabetes test in the morning.  It was that night I started having contractions and we learned our horrible fate. Tomorrow, Thursday, I have my diabetes test.  It's freakishly scary.  But yet at the same time, I'm also glad it's on the same day, because this time I just know everything is going to be okay and I'm going to get through tomorrow, and I'll be on my way to the next milestone (31 weeks when Neil was born premature).

When I became pregnant it was so hard to imaging making it to 26 weeks and how far off that was.  Now that I've made it here, I really do feel positive.  I do feel like this time everything is okay.  And yet...I'm so afraid to allow myself to get too excited, too happy.  I don't want to jinx anything!!

14 weeks to go....deep breaths.