Revelations

My mother's funeral was on Thursday.  It was a very long day.  But, overall, I think it went amazingly well.  The service itself was just beautiful.  My mom finished her university degree in 1999 in Eastern Religious Studies, so one of her professors, who is a buddist monk, officiated. It was exactly like she would have wanted it to be. It was sad, but it was joyful too at times.  There were many tears and many laughs and through it all I got to remember my mother for the amazing, adventurous woman she was.  I also got to see many friends, family and neighbours I hadn't seen in years.

To be honest, it kind of puts everything into perspective for me.  I realize how lucky I am to have my son, Neil. How lucky I am to have a loving husband, a wonderful father and brother.  I realize that I don't have a dysfunctional family and for that I am so grateful! And most of all I realize that Riley's death, while tragic, is perhaps not as awful as I felt it to be these last 2 months.  Yes we dreamed of his life and future, but we do have a wonderful family already and I am so fortunate for that.

After Riley's death I tried to find a reason in it all; the purpose for his dying. When I lost the twins, it became so clear to me - I finally knew I really wanted children (before then I was on the fence). And after Riley died I wondered if perhaps it was to tell me that I really wanted a second child (we weren't sure we wanted to try again, due to Neil's struggles). But when I was at my mother's bedside, and had passed away, I thought to myself, "now Riley has someone to watch over him in Heaven."

And then I wondered: maybe I wasn't meant to have Riley.  Because if I had, he would have been one month old when mom died, and that would have made it significantly harder.  And maybe Riley was supposed to die because now although mom won't get to see Neil grow up, she will get to see Riley grow up.

So yeah, it puts everything into perspective, and I feel like I'm finally at peace with Riley's death.  And that brings me a certain level of serenity I didn't have before.  So I'm thankful for that.

Heartbreak again

It's been a while since I wrote.  We did indeed go on vacation to Jamaica, and got back December 2nd.  The exact same week my parents were vacationing in Antigua - their first trip to the Caribbean.  My dad was never to keen, but my mom thought it would be a great idea.  I finally convinced them to go, by finding them a wonderful, quiet, all-inclusive resort.
They returned December 3rd and were just so thrilled to have gone.  Both of them raved about their trip, my mother especially, saying how romantic and relaxing it was.
December 7th I receive a phone call.  My mother has had a brain hemorrhage and is in a coma.  I rush to Montreal to get to her bedside.

Tragically, my mother passed away at 4.12am on December 8th.

It's just so unbelievable.  To have to go through such heartache, so soon after losing Riley, it's just not fair.

She was on a respirator and so I got to say goodbye to her, at least.  While I was talking to her, she had tears coming out of her eyes, so I know she could hear me.  And I can only just imagine - was she wishing desperately she could respond to me?  To tell me that she loved me too?  That she was proud of me?  That she thinks I'm a good mother?

Because that's what I told her.  I told her I only hope I can be as good a mother to Neil as she was to me.

It's just so devastating. My mother is dead.  It's so hard to believe. Fortunately she lived a full and happy life - she accomplished so much.  She travelled the world, had a loving relationship with my father (40 years this February), she fought, and beat, breast cancer in 1990.  At 76 years of age, she definitely lived a full life.  She lived  in England, France, Greece, Australia, Italy, Sweden, Vancouver, Montreal, and she traveled to so many other countries too.

But she's gone.

In a way, I feel more prepared for this loss; this grief, because I just lost Riley.  I know what to expect in terms of my grief.  It's just so hard to see my dad going through his pain.  I know what he's feeling, and what he's going to feel, and it's just so hard to watch.  Fortunately my brother is here from Vancouver, but come January Paul goes home, I return to work, and my dad will be alone, in their big house, having to move on.  I just can't imagine that.

So, here's to the end of 2011.  It's been enough, thank you very much.  I'm hereby requesting that 2012 be a much happier and joyful year, without the heartache of the last 3 years.