Revelations

My mother's funeral was on Thursday.  It was a very long day.  But, overall, I think it went amazingly well.  The service itself was just beautiful.  My mom finished her university degree in 1999 in Eastern Religious Studies, so one of her professors, who is a buddist monk, officiated. It was exactly like she would have wanted it to be. It was sad, but it was joyful too at times.  There were many tears and many laughs and through it all I got to remember my mother for the amazing, adventurous woman she was.  I also got to see many friends, family and neighbours I hadn't seen in years.

To be honest, it kind of puts everything into perspective for me.  I realize how lucky I am to have my son, Neil. How lucky I am to have a loving husband, a wonderful father and brother.  I realize that I don't have a dysfunctional family and for that I am so grateful! And most of all I realize that Riley's death, while tragic, is perhaps not as awful as I felt it to be these last 2 months.  Yes we dreamed of his life and future, but we do have a wonderful family already and I am so fortunate for that.

After Riley's death I tried to find a reason in it all; the purpose for his dying. When I lost the twins, it became so clear to me - I finally knew I really wanted children (before then I was on the fence). And after Riley died I wondered if perhaps it was to tell me that I really wanted a second child (we weren't sure we wanted to try again, due to Neil's struggles). But when I was at my mother's bedside, and had passed away, I thought to myself, "now Riley has someone to watch over him in Heaven."

And then I wondered: maybe I wasn't meant to have Riley.  Because if I had, he would have been one month old when mom died, and that would have made it significantly harder.  And maybe Riley was supposed to die because now although mom won't get to see Neil grow up, she will get to see Riley grow up.

So yeah, it puts everything into perspective, and I feel like I'm finally at peace with Riley's death.  And that brings me a certain level of serenity I didn't have before.  So I'm thankful for that.