2012...New Year, New Memories

Goodbye 2011.  Thank you for bringing me some wonderful moments, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was ready to see you go.  The last 4 months, especially, have been very trying times. When I look back on 2011, I do have some wonderful memories.  I was able to travel a lot, I spent more time with my husband than I ever have, and I got to experiences some amazing highs.  But I also experienced the most excruciating lows. I lost Riley in the most heartbreaking way, and I lost my mother so suddenly, so unexpectedly.

And yet, through it all, I have found my peace; my understanding. I've come to terms with it all. And, you know, if Riley hadn't died, I don't think I would have been able to accept my mother's death as well as I have. Understanding the grief, and what I'm feeling, really helped me. And having this sense of peace and relief that neither Riley, nor my mother, would alone anymore really helped me.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm in denial.  Maybe I haven't accepted her death, but in all honesty I truly believe that I have.  Is that possible?  After only 3 1/2 weeks? I don't know why, but I just feel like this is what was supposed to happen.  Mom always said she didn't want to die a slow and painful death, and she didn't want to end up with dementia or Alzheimer. And over the last 1-2 years I've seen my mother's memory fail her and I thought she may be on that path.  And since she died my dad admitted to me that he thought maybe she was headed there too.  So isn't it better this way?  Isn't it better that she died before hitting that point?  And now my father (and I) doesn't have to live through that.  He will always have wonderful memories of my mother. He won't have memories of her losing herself to the illness.

So yeah.  Goodbye 2011.  Hello 2012.

Here are my resolutions for 2012:

• I resolve to always remember how lucky I am
• I resolve to be happy as much as possible, and to not let myself get brought down by the little things
• I resolve not to take out my frustrations on my husband!
• I resolve to enjoy every moment with my son...even when he is crying and screaming and frustrating me!
• I resolve to focus on myself, my lifestyle, to remain as healthy as possible

and finally

• I resolve to now allow the decision of whether or not to get pregnant again to eat at me every day.  If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Goodbye 2011.

Hello 2012.