Hit by the Emotions of Grief

This past week I've had several moments of intense grief, all surrounding the death of my mother.  I remember the night she died.  I remember seeing her in the hospital, on the respirator, waiting for us to decide to remove it. Today at work I was cleaning out some old emails and came across 4 emails from my mom.  She had sent me photos her friends took at my wedding, and had sent them to me.  But in the email there were no words; just "here are the photos I told you about.  Love mum".  It killed me.  I wanted so bad to see some true words from her; something to connect me to her.  It made me so sad.

Last September my mother had an intense allergic reaction to a medication while she was staying with me.  It was 3 weeks after Riley died and I ended up having to call an ambulance and she was rushed to hospital.  Fortunately, she ended up pulling through.  A few weeks letter she sent me a card thanking me for everything I did for her.  But I didn't keep the card. I read it, appreciated it, and then recycled it.  And I regret that action so much.  So so much.

I guess my only advice to everyone out there is: keep the notes, the letters people give you.  Even if you think they don't mean much to you now, they will some day.  I wish so much I had kept that card because my mother said so many wonderful, loving things in it.  And it's the last card/note she wrote to me. But I didn't keep it.

I miss her so much. I miss picking up the phone and calling her. I miss sharing stories about tv shows, movies, shopping. I regret feeling frustrated with her fading memory. I regret sometimes not answering the phone because I was busy with my own life. I wish I had answered the phone the morning of the day she died. Instead when I called her back she was on her way to her doctor's office.  And the next thing I knew she was in a coma.

That is the only thing I regret in my life.

I miss her so much.