Closing in on the 26th

As we get closer to Riley's anniversary I find myself feeling anxious.  How am I going to feel on Sunday? Will I remember him properly? Will it be enough.  It's so hard to believe that one year has gone by since we lost him.  So much has happened this year.  I'm happy to say I'm happy again, but every day or moment that I think of him I always wonder: what would he be like now?  He'd be about 8 months old.  Maybe crawling, maybe cruising, maybe babbling.  And although I can think about it, I can't picture it.  I know Riley was not supposed to be a part of this world.  I know there was a reason why he died. But it's still hard.

Now that I'm pregnant again (5 weeks!  35 to go, lol!), I'm blessed with a sense of calm, which is so strange.  And then at the same time I keep thinking, okay, get through the first 12 weeks, make sure everything's okay, then just breathe and try and stay positive through the rest of the pregnancy.  It's split up into sections.

I'm so early along that I know there's a risk of miscarriage and it's weird but that is scaring me so much more than looking towards long term.  Every time I feel a slight cramp in my belly, I'm thinking - what is that?  Why do I have a cramp?  It always goes away, but gosh it's scary.

I got pregnant so quickly that I don't want it to crumble away as quickly as it happened.  It's strange too because for my first 3 pregnancies I was never afraid of miscarriage, but now I am.  Why is that? Is it because I want so so badly for this pregnancy to work out? Or because if I do miscarry, I don't know that my husband will be willing to try again?  Probably a combo of the two.

I told my boss at work this week.  She was so happy for me.  She wanted to know when I would tell everyone.  I so want to tell everyone, because I'm excited!  But something is holding me back, telling me to be cautious.  What does that mean?  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  That's all I've got to do.

And for Sunday, I will remember Riley.  Remember the wonderful boy he would have been. Thank him for being there for my mom in heaven, and thank him for watching over Neil and our family during this difficult, difficult year.

PREGNANT!!!

OMG!  I can't believe it.  I'm pregnant.  Pregnant!  Wow.  Wow. I'm so shocked that it happened so fast, after only 2 months of trying.  It's just so unbelievable.  I don't know what to feel. It was so weird, when I took the test this morning I just had this feeling that it would be positive.  And it was.  And I was happy.  And then I was happy that my first reaction was happiness and not fear.  Yes I'm scared, well terrified, but I don't know, there's this strange calm that's come over me today.  With Riley's birthday next weekend, I almost feel like he has something to do with this.  Like he's watching over me and chose this month for me to become pregnant, so that next weekend won't be so excruciating for me.

It's almost like it's meant to be.  That this is the month I'm supposed to get pregnant, that he's telling me it's going to be okay.  It's just the strangest feeling, but I really do feel this way.

So yeah.  Pregnant.  If all goes well April 25 next year we'll have a healthy baby in our lives...

1 year coming quickly..suggestions to commemorate?

So first off, no I'm not pregnant.  Month 2 of TTC will end next week.  Wonder what will happen?  I'm expecting a negative test, but hoping for a positive one.

August 26th is quickly approaching.  I've been thinking about Riley a lot lately.  I want to do something memorable for him on the 26th.  I know I will definitely visit his grave.  But what else should I do?  Does anyone have any suggestions?

Fortunately the 26th is a Sunday, so I won't have to worry about my emotions while at work.  That would have been really hard.   I wonder if my husband will remember the day.  He recovered and got over Riley's loss months ago.  It's hard when I still acknowledge the 26th of every month, and he is blissfully unaware.  Must be nice to be a man!

I read some good news today.  A fellow blogger, a woman who's blog gave me such solace and comfort following Riley's death, gave birth to her first baby 12 days ago.  How encouraging and wonderful to read about someone who went through the same tragedy as me come out on the other side.  I applaud her courage to try again and the strength it must have taken to make it through a whole 9 months never guaranteed a positive outcome.  That she is happy and successful gives me hope.