Closing in on the 26th

As we get closer to Riley's anniversary I find myself feeling anxious.  How am I going to feel on Sunday? Will I remember him properly? Will it be enough.  It's so hard to believe that one year has gone by since we lost him.  So much has happened this year.  I'm happy to say I'm happy again, but every day or moment that I think of him I always wonder: what would he be like now?  He'd be about 8 months old.  Maybe crawling, maybe cruising, maybe babbling.  And although I can think about it, I can't picture it.  I know Riley was not supposed to be a part of this world.  I know there was a reason why he died. But it's still hard.

Now that I'm pregnant again (5 weeks!  35 to go, lol!), I'm blessed with a sense of calm, which is so strange.  And then at the same time I keep thinking, okay, get through the first 12 weeks, make sure everything's okay, then just breathe and try and stay positive through the rest of the pregnancy.  It's split up into sections.

I'm so early along that I know there's a risk of miscarriage and it's weird but that is scaring me so much more than looking towards long term.  Every time I feel a slight cramp in my belly, I'm thinking - what is that?  Why do I have a cramp?  It always goes away, but gosh it's scary.

I got pregnant so quickly that I don't want it to crumble away as quickly as it happened.  It's strange too because for my first 3 pregnancies I was never afraid of miscarriage, but now I am.  Why is that? Is it because I want so so badly for this pregnancy to work out? Or because if I do miscarry, I don't know that my husband will be willing to try again?  Probably a combo of the two.

I told my boss at work this week.  She was so happy for me.  She wanted to know when I would tell everyone.  I so want to tell everyone, because I'm excited!  But something is holding me back, telling me to be cautious.  What does that mean?  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  That's all I've got to do.

And for Sunday, I will remember Riley.  Remember the wonderful boy he would have been. Thank him for being there for my mom in heaven, and thank him for watching over Neil and our family during this difficult, difficult year.