Riley's Anniversary

Riley's anniversary on August 26th was not as agonizing and excruciating as I thought it would be. In fact, when I first woke up that morning I didn't remember the significance of the date until about an hour later. When I did finally remember I felt so awful, so guilty, like I was a bad mother for not instantly remembering the date.

We went to the graveyard and visited him.  Neil came with us.  It felt awkward, standing there looking down at him.  It was really strange.  So I asked D. and Neil to go for a walk and give me a few minutes.  That's when it all came out.  The memories, the tears, the loss, the anguish.  I cried for my baby who never had the chance to grow up; for the little brother Neil will never know; and also for my mom, who's up there in heaven with him.  I asked Riley to continue to watch over Neil and to keep him safe; and to watch over our newest baby and to keep him or her safe, and healthy, and living.  I prayed for this pregnancy to go well, for there not to be any problems, and I thanked Riley for giving me that little bit of peace I always search.

We left a few minutes later, and went on with our day; with our lives.  I still think of him often, and when I do I often wonder what would have been.  On my windowsill in my bedroom I have a picture of a sunrise that I took in April 2011 when I was in South Carolina.  When I took that picture I was pregnant but I didn't know it yet. I overprinted Riley's name and birth date, so he will always have a place in our house.

And now it's back to reality and the unknown of the future.

I've been listening to Lauren Alaina's album, Wildflower (it's really good, by the way!).  She's got a song on it called: The Middle.  The chorus is really fitting for me right now:

"Take each day and make it last

Cause you turn around and the future is the past

Here and now is all we have

The beginning and the end mean so little

What matters most is what's in the middle"

That's really how I feel right now "in the middle".  In 4 weeks I'll have my 12 week ultrasound and hopefully, God-willing, everything will be okay and our baby will be healthy.  Then I'll be able to share my news with everyone, and try with all my might not to get too excited and yet not get too scared.  I'm in limbo, really.  Waiting...waiting...for whatever my future will be.