Torn between impatience and hope

I am so ready for this pregnancy to be over with.  I'll be 36 weeks tomorrow and I ache all over.  It's getting harder and harder to walk up and down the stairs.  I'm continuously out of breath.  I have contractions every day, but they always cease.  I'm tired.  I'm grumpy. I'm scared.

A part of me wants to go into labor now so that Snoop can be born and this long stretch of months of waiting and anticipation will be over.  And the other part of me knows how great it would be if I would go full term.  Just one more week.  It's possible, right?

D. wants to go on a farm tour in Ontario on Thursday.  It's 3 hours away and I'm so afraid that something will happen that day and he won't get back in time.  But of course if I make him stay and I don't go into labor he'll be pissed and frustrated and upset.  But seriously, what other husband would actually drive 3 hours away when their wife is 36 weeks pregnant and has had the history and bad luck that I have?  I mean am I asking too much?  Am I being unreasonable?  So part of me wants to have the baby now so he doesn't go on Thursday.  How horrible is that?

And of course as I'm writing this I'm having contractions - but I'm sure they'll stop.  They always do :)

Argh......the waiting game!  I know it's only a matter of time, I just have to be patient.  Not one of my strong points.  I'm probably the least patient person I know.  ha ha!

But I can do this.  I know I can.  When I start to get scared and emotional I try to remind myself that I can handle this.  I have been through so more before.  This is nothing in comparison.  I just have to be strong.

Uterine Rupture Risk

So first of all....35 weeks!!!  When I was in the hospital 9 weeks ago I never, ever believed I would make it this far in the pregnancy.  Neil was born at 31 weeks, so I was sure I wouldn't go much more than 33 or 34 weeks.  But I'm halfway through 35 weeks and after seeing my doctor yesterday he says it's looking like I'll go another 2 weeks!  wow.

So anyways, at Thursday's ultrasound the doctor asked me what my birth plan was with my doctor.  I jokingly said, "go 40 weeks", to which her response was, "um, that's not necessarily a good idea".  Huh?

Since the beginning I've said I wanted to deliver this baby naturally.  We know this is possible because I delivered Riley naturally.  But, since Neil was born by c-section I do have a risk of uterine rupture (1%).  What I did not know is that if I don't spontaneously go into labor and the doctors induce me, the risk of rupture increases exponentially.  So basically if by 38 weeks I don't go into labor by myself they won't induce me and plan a c-section.

I just never considered that option because they induced me with Riley. But with Riley I was only 29 weeks and he was only 3 lbs, so even though I was induced it was a much smaller risk.

I really don't want a c-section (I remember how painful it was to recover from my last one), but I also don't want to take any more risk than I have to.  If I do rupture my uterus its catastrophic - as in baby most likely dies or ends us severely mentally handicapped.  Nice odds, huh?

So do I hope for natural labor and natural delivery by 37 weeks, or do I just not take any chances and tell my doctor I want a c-section no matter what, even if I do go into labor myself?  I just don't know what to do!

More contractions, but so far so good

Last night I had a lot of contractions.  From 10-11.30pm and then from 2.30-4.00am.  There were btw 10-15 minutes apart, so no reason to panic or go to the hospital but of course I was awake all night wondering...is this it?  Am I going to go into labour soon?

Tomorrow I'll be 34 weeks.  That's 7 weeks that I will have been on couch potato rest.  Gosh it's been a long, long road.  It's hard to believe I'll be full term in 3 weeks.  After such a long, stressful, scary, emotional, and overwhelming pregnancy, I can almost see the light...just please don't let it be a train at the end of a tunnel!!  But seriously, I'm so optimistic and scared and nervous all at once.  I so, so want this baby to be born healthy and alive and I just feel like I'm playing with time, with fate.  I don't know.  I'm so afraid to believe that he's going to live, be born, but I want it so so much.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  I'm 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced, which I guess you can stay at this stage for several weeks.  At any rate, a girl was there for her 6 week postpartum checkup and she had her baby girl with her.  She was so tiny!  And just looking at her I was thinking, "gosh, I'm going to have a baby that small in just a few weeks".  But it's so hard, because I really, really want to believe it to be true, but there's always this nagging doubt, this little voice in my head saying, "don't get ahead of yourself, Cat, nothing is guaranteed yet".  Argh!!!  It's so annoying!  It makes me so angry that I can't be excited and enjoy the thought of have our baby boy in a few weeks.  It's not fair.  Not fair at all.

Dear Neil (2 1/2 years)

Dear Neil,

You are two and a half years old now and you are such a toddler!  You are climbing and jumping over everything.  Everything is funny to you and everything is "no" or "oui"!  You are talking more and more every day, which is such a relief and a pleasure.  It's so cute to see you discover new words and some of the things you say are hilarious   You are our little french boy too, which is so funny.  Half the time I can't tell if you're speaking french or english, which makes it difficult to understand you and which frustrates you immensely, but when we do understand you it's so great to see your face light up in joy.

Your favourite sentence lately is, "un autre barn la" (another barn there)!  Every time we go for a drive in the country and you see all the farms you say "un autre barn la".  It's so cute how you say "barn" instead of "grange", so you're really "frenglish".

You continue to love daycare, which makes us so happy.  Sabrina is going such a great job with you and it's clear that you're learning and developing and growing so well.  You spend lots of time outside this winter, and it's so great to see how much fun you're having in the snow this year.  You can actually go sledding and climbing and build snowmen.  And you love it so much!

You love the barn with a passion, but you're still scared of the calves, which I find so funny.  The big cows don't scare you, but the babies do.  Strange!  But every day you ask to go to the barn, which makes daddy very happy :)  You love tractors and trucks and I know daddy can't wait for you to grow a little older so he can teach you how to drive them.

But gosh so much has happened in the last 6 months!  You went to New Hampshire and went swimming in the lake.  You swam so much this summer and loved it!  I think you're part fish.  You went to Santa's Village and met all santa's little elves.  You went to Cayo Coco Cuba in November with your best buds Noah and Zack (and John and Jojo) and had a wonderful time.  The plane ride down was difficult, but the return trip was great.  You celebrated Christmas in style, and it was so great to see you really enjoy Christmas this year.  Opening presents was such a thrill because you were so excited for every gift.  You were spoiled once again this year :)

You had your first real "accident" when one of the other kids at daycare pushed you into the bench.  Your forehead split open and you got a nasty gash.  Fortunately Sabrina knew exactly what to do, and you didn't need stitches.  You recovered quickly, but hopefully you don't end up with too big a scar.

You've become such a sociable little kid these past few months too.  You're open to meeting new people and it doesn't take long for you to be talking and laughing with them.  You love to give kisses and hugs, which is so nice too because for the longest time you weren't very quick at giving affection.

And so, dear Neil, I can't wait to see how you grow over the next 6 months.  It's going to be an interesting time for all of us, with baby coming in the next month or two.  I know it will be hard at first to share your mom and dad with someone else, but I'm sure you will love and protect your little brother and I know you're going to be a great big brother.

Until next time, little man.
xoxo

Riley's Pregnancy Journal

Today I took out the pregnancy journal I wrote in when I was pregnant with Riley.  I wanted to read the section about what to bring to the hospital so I could start putting my hospital bag together.  When I took the journal out, I don't know why but I didn't realize it was Riley's journal.  I flipped through the pages and found the section from week 29.  I wrote in it each day:

Sun Aug 21:
29 weeks!  We're getting there.  It feels like the weeks are going by so slowly but when he comes it will feel like it went so fast.
Mon Aug 22:
Begged mom & dad for a glider rocker today.  Got one for Neil's room and it's so much better/comfortable to hold him now.  Still thinking of names.  Gosh this is hard.
Tue 23:
Had contractions this morning.  A little scary! Saw Dr. B and everything is okay.  Phew! But glucose levels high so have to go for 2nd test.  And doing another ultrasound.  11 weeks to go!
Wed 24:
Glucose test tomorrow.  Ugh. Hope it goes okay and I don't have gest. diabetes.

Kind of surreal to read it back.  It's like that with life.  You have no idea what's coming.  One day everything is one way and the next your whole world turns upside down.  I also found my 20 week ultrasound pictures in the back of the journal.  There's one that is really good - you can really see him.  Gosh it's strange.  But you know, I got a little teary-eyed, but I didn't break down, so that's really good progress I think.  Probably because things are going well with this pregnancy.  But it reminds you that anything can happen.