Some good news

Each winter, since 2007, D and I and our close friends John and JoJo have gone down south together.  Our first trip was to Puerto Vallarta.  Since then we've been to Puerto Plata, Montego Bay, and Tulum.  Last year we were supposed to go back to PV and bring Neil.  But unfortunately a wrongly diagnosed illness to Neil caused us to cancel our trip.  And this winter I'm just returning to work so we won't be joining John and Jojo in Puerto Plata.  So, instead, D and I decided to book a solo trip to Jamaica this fall.  It's a way for us to get away from it all and to still get our trip down south.

Yesterday we went for lunch with J & J and wouldn't you know, "surprise! We're coming with you!".  They called our travel agent and booked the same trip and are coming on vacation with us!  I'm so excited.  They're still going on the annual trip in January so it makes it even more surprising that they've decided to come with us now.

It's just nice to be genuinely happy about something and, for once, not feeling guilty for being happy.

It's been a rough week

Well to say it's been a rough week is an understatement :)  Last Tuesday night I came down with a fever and ended up sick in bed for 5 days.  Fever last 4 days.  Turns out I have a viral lung infection.  Fun.  But since it's not bacterial, there's no meds I can take, except for an inhaler to help clear my lungs out.  Lovely.  So after everything else I've been through over the last 3 years, now this.  Sometimes I wonder: is it just me?  Am I the only one who seems to have more health issues these days?  Or is everyone in their 30's encountering new health issues.  Or is it because I've been pregnant the last 3 years and gained 40 pounds?  Or is it both?  Either way it's just one more thing to deal with.

We're leaving on Friday for Jamaica and I'm so scared that I won't be feeling 100% or, worse, Neil will get sick.  Last January we had to cancel our trip to Puerto Vallarta because they thought Neil had a serious health issue (it turned out to be fine, but it was scary at the time).  It's like I'm treading lightly so as not to rock the boat before Friday.

I guess that's how it would feel every day if I were to get pregnant again. Treading water; anxious; nervous; scared. And to have those emotions every day for 9 months?  Oof!  I don't know how women who have been through stillbirth can handle it.

And yet I want to be able to handle it and I want to get pregnant again.  I just have to wait until May to do so.

That's a long way off!!

Days go by

It's November 15th.  Hard to believe how time has flown by.  In just 7 weeks I'll be back at work and in a way, back to reality.  Being at home, in this magical world, it's like life isn't really happening.  But once I return to reality and a regular schedule, I think it'll be different; interesting.  To be honest I'm not quite sure how it will be!  In one sense it will be good to get back into a routine, but on the other I'll officially be moving on with my life then.

We go on vacation in 10 days.  Now that excites me.  It's going to be so nice to get away, get to warmer climates, and try an really enjoy time as a family away from home, from all the reminders of our life.  I can't wait.

Rough Day

Today was a rough day.  Yesterday evening I started to feel weepy and today was just a full blown day of weariness.  I cried several times today.  I just kept missing Riley and missing the baby that isn't here.  I kept remembering what should have been.  It was a rough day.  It amazes me that even now, 2 1/2 months after our loss, I still have these intense moments of sadness. It's awful!  I hate feeling this way.  Every little thing seemed to set off the waterworks today.  It didn't matter what I was doing if something, no matter how small, didn't go my way the tears started falling.

Tomorrow we're going to have a family portrait taken.  It's another way I'm trying to move on and focus on the good in my life.  And I have a good family.  I want to celebrate that.  Hopefully the portraits will go well and I won't think of the fact that Riley's not there to be a part of it.

Going through the motions

Thursday Nov 10th:

I wrote this yesterday but my blogger site wasn't working:

Not much to say these days.  I go through my days as good as possible.  I think of Riley often and as we near the holiday season I'm reminded daily that he's not here.  My desire to celebrate the holidays is minimal, but I know it's important to my family so I will try.  I guess the pressure to be happy is very strong, and I just don't feel like it.  Is that wrong?  I don't want to ruin it for anyone else, but honestly, it just doesn't interest me this year.

We're having unseasonably warm weather, which is so nice, so I've been spending lots of time outdoors, going for walks and runs.  It always feels great when I get home from a walk or run - like I'm doing something good for myself.

And I'm starting to count down the days to when I have to return to work.  7 weeks Ugh.  It's going to go by so fast.

Vacation

Well....we're going on vacation.  D, Neil and I are headed off the Jamaica for one week.  I'm very excited about this vacation.  But yet every time I think about how happy I am it reminds me that technically I shouldn't have the opportunity to be on vacation.  But D. and I decided that it would be a good idea to go, since I'm going back to work in January, and that this will be a good opportunity for us.  So while I'm looking forward to the time away, and the sunshine, I can't help but remember that if everything had worked out like it should I wouldn't be going on this vacation.

So, I'll take a moment to write Riley's name in the sand and thank my blessings for the good in my life - my wonderful husband, my beautiful boy Neil, and my family and friends.

Ocean...here I come!!

Riley's Due Date is tomorrow

So Riley's due date is tomorrow, November 5th.  I'm writing today because tomorrow I am going out of town to visit a girlfriend.  It's the first time since Neil was born that I'm going somewhere, by myself, overnight.  D. is taking care of Neil for the weekend.

Originally when I planned the visit I wasn't paying attention of the date, but now that it's planned I think it's a good thing I'm getting away.  At least I won't be sitting in my house, depressed and lonely.  Instead I'll be driving 4 hours.  Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing!

As November 5th looms it reminds me of many things.  That Riley's not here, what should have been, but also I am able to notice the good in my life these days.  Since Neil is in daycare full time and I'm not yet back to work (I go back Jan 2nd) I've been able to spend time on myself.  Especially this past month.  September was torture for me, but October has been much better.  I've been seeing friends, exercising, travelling, and did some reno/upgrades in my house.  This has made me the most happy.  I moved into this house with D. 5 years ago.  It was his mother's old house, so it was decorated à la 70's style.  Since we moved in I never found the time to do the upgrades I wanted.  So this month I took the opportunity God gave me and did those upgrades.  I painted the hallway (which used to be teal blue!).  I painted the dining room (which used to be pink!).  I put up new moldings and baseboards.  I replaced all the ceiling lights.  I replaced the dining room chandelier.  And it feels so good.  And whilst I still feel ridiculously guilty for allowing myself to feel good about having the time to do all this, I can't help but feel happy about it.

I would change all of it just to have Riley alive and in our lives.  None of this replaces him, but it helps me accept our situation and heal and hopefully, eventually, move on.

November 5th.

I mean seriously.  I'm supposed to have a baby right now!  It's just so surreal, and unimaginable.  And as much as it hurts, as much as I cry when I think about him, I have this strange sense of acceptance.  That this is how it's supposed to be.  You know before Neil was born I was so busy at work and so stressed out that I took it out on myself.  Then Neil was born, 9 weeks premature, and we had to go through all the difficulties of his first 6 months of life.  Then I got pregnant and was stressed out and nervous.  Then I lost Riley.  So maybe this is God's way of telling me, "Cat, you need to take care of yourself.  You need to focus on you and ensure that you are healthy, calm, relaxed, before you have another baby".

Is that it?  You know since my first pregnancy in 2009 until I lost Riley I was not a healthy person.  Sure, I tried to be, but I always reverted back to my old ways.  I gained 40 pounds over the last 3 years, and while I can blame some of it on pregnancy, most of it was simply sue to unhealthy eating habits.  But since Riley's death it's like something clicked inside of me and I said, "no more".  I'm eating healthy, I'm exercising consistently (well as consistently as I can. lol), and I've lost 19 pounds.  I still have about 20 to go, but for the first time in a very long time I'm starting to feel healthy.

So maybe this was God's plan for me.  It kills me to think that Riley had to die to make me feel like this, but there's got to be a reason, right?

Gosh - I have so many thoughts and emotions I could go on for hours!!  But I won't.

Tomorrow I will think of Riley and I will miss him and wish he were here.  But I will also be thankful for the blessings I do have and for the good that is in my life.

Dear Neil

Dear Neil (15 months),

October was a busy month!  It seemed we traveled somewhere each week.  We went to grandma and grandpa's cottage where you, grandpa and I went for a hike to see the beautiful fall colours.  We went for a walk with your girlfriends at the Johnville Bog.  We went to Cornwall to visit Frank and Janie, and we went shopping in North Conway.

You're so close to walking!  You stand on your own easily now and I can tell you want to walk, you just don't quite have the confidence to take those first steps yet.  But you walk easily when we hold your hands, and even quite well when we're holding just one hand.

Your personality is shining through more and more now, too.  You don't like to stay seated at restaurants too long anymore.  The last few times we've been to a restaurant you're gotten frustrated and fussy.  Looks like we'll be staying home more now.  But now you're started feeding yourself with your own spoon.  And god forbid I should try to feed you myself!  No, no!  You need the spoon in your own hand so you can feed yourself directly.  Makes for some very messy mealtimes, but it's so wonderful to see you stating your independence already.

We're still waiting for that first word.  There was one day when you were in your playpen and you wanted to get out.  You put your hands out and said "mama.  mama".  It was clear and distinct and I was so happy!  But since then you've just been talking in your own language.  It will come soon, I'm sure.

And of course October is the month of Halloween!  You were so cute in your leopard costume.  You wore it to daycare and you wore it trick or treating at grandma's.  You are still too young to trick or treat around the neighborhood.  Maybe in another year or two.

Speaking of daycare, you are absolutely loving it there!  You are so happy to see your friends each morning and when I come to pick you up in the evening you don't want to leave.  Sabrina is so great with you, and all the kids, and it's great to see you mimicking what some of the older kids are doing.  It's obviously having a great affect on you, so I'm so happy we found her.

All in all it's been an eventful, exciting month for you, and for us!  Can't wait to see what November has in store.  Perhaps this time next month we'll be writing about your first steps?

Much love,
Mom and dad

A Poem for Riley

I read a poem on a community site for stillbirth.  It is so beautiful I wanted to share it here:

We thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

We thought about you yesterday, 

and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,

we often speak your name.

All we have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

with which we will never part.

God has you in His keeping,

we have you in our hearts.

A million times we`ve wanted you. 

A million times we cried.

If love could only have saved you, 

you never would have died.

It broke our hearts to lose you.

But you didn`t go alone.

For a part of us went with you...

the day God called you Home.