Riley's Due Date is tomorrow

So Riley's due date is tomorrow, November 5th.  I'm writing today because tomorrow I am going out of town to visit a girlfriend.  It's the first time since Neil was born that I'm going somewhere, by myself, overnight.  D. is taking care of Neil for the weekend.

Originally when I planned the visit I wasn't paying attention of the date, but now that it's planned I think it's a good thing I'm getting away.  At least I won't be sitting in my house, depressed and lonely.  Instead I'll be driving 4 hours.  Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing!

As November 5th looms it reminds me of many things.  That Riley's not here, what should have been, but also I am able to notice the good in my life these days.  Since Neil is in daycare full time and I'm not yet back to work (I go back Jan 2nd) I've been able to spend time on myself.  Especially this past month.  September was torture for me, but October has been much better.  I've been seeing friends, exercising, travelling, and did some reno/upgrades in my house.  This has made me the most happy.  I moved into this house with D. 5 years ago.  It was his mother's old house, so it was decorated à la 70's style.  Since we moved in I never found the time to do the upgrades I wanted.  So this month I took the opportunity God gave me and did those upgrades.  I painted the hallway (which used to be teal blue!).  I painted the dining room (which used to be pink!).  I put up new moldings and baseboards.  I replaced all the ceiling lights.  I replaced the dining room chandelier.  And it feels so good.  And whilst I still feel ridiculously guilty for allowing myself to feel good about having the time to do all this, I can't help but feel happy about it.

I would change all of it just to have Riley alive and in our lives.  None of this replaces him, but it helps me accept our situation and heal and hopefully, eventually, move on.

November 5th.

I mean seriously.  I'm supposed to have a baby right now!  It's just so surreal, and unimaginable.  And as much as it hurts, as much as I cry when I think about him, I have this strange sense of acceptance.  That this is how it's supposed to be.  You know before Neil was born I was so busy at work and so stressed out that I took it out on myself.  Then Neil was born, 9 weeks premature, and we had to go through all the difficulties of his first 6 months of life.  Then I got pregnant and was stressed out and nervous.  Then I lost Riley.  So maybe this is God's way of telling me, "Cat, you need to take care of yourself.  You need to focus on you and ensure that you are healthy, calm, relaxed, before you have another baby".

Is that it?  You know since my first pregnancy in 2009 until I lost Riley I was not a healthy person.  Sure, I tried to be, but I always reverted back to my old ways.  I gained 40 pounds over the last 3 years, and while I can blame some of it on pregnancy, most of it was simply sue to unhealthy eating habits.  But since Riley's death it's like something clicked inside of me and I said, "no more".  I'm eating healthy, I'm exercising consistently (well as consistently as I can. lol), and I've lost 19 pounds.  I still have about 20 to go, but for the first time in a very long time I'm starting to feel healthy.

So maybe this was God's plan for me.  It kills me to think that Riley had to die to make me feel like this, but there's got to be a reason, right?

Gosh - I have so many thoughts and emotions I could go on for hours!!  But I won't.

Tomorrow I will think of Riley and I will miss him and wish he were here.  But I will also be thankful for the blessings I do have and for the good that is in my life.