Letter to Neil Canyon - 20 months

Dear Neil, (20 months)

March was the month the sickness fairy came to visit. You and I were sick almost the whole month, it seems! You had an ear infection and bronchitis at the end of February. That cleared up and then 2 weeks later you were sick again with another ear infection. Poor piglet! This was also the first time you were sick and you were up all night one night. That was hard to take - to hear you in pain, uncomfortable, and knowing there was nothing I could do to make you feel better. Fortunately by the end of March you were back to your normal happy self.

Because of all the sickness, March was a pretty quiet month. We did have some fabulous weather one week, however, so we really took advantage of that. For a whole week it ranged from 20-25 degrees! You LOVED being outside and playing. You played in puddles for the first time, you learned how to climb your little slide and slide down it. You ate outside at daycare and you walked from our house to grandmas in your t-shirt and sandals. I can tell it's going to be a fun summer!

Last weekend we went away to North Conway, NH for the weekend. I'm happy to confirm that you are still a very good traveler. Maybe that's because you traveled so much in your first year, but the 3 hour car ride didn't bother you one bit! We stayed at a hotel with a pool and you loved that so much! We went swimming and you were screeching with excitement the whole time. We played volleyball with your little blue ball, and you were bouncing it off your head and having a blast. It's always so great to see your wonderful smile.

You loved eating at Friendly's! You especially loved your dessert, lol!

You are starting to say a few words, finally: moo (your favourite), fini, banana (that one's new), dog, mama. And you understand what we're saying really well.

You also love to run around the house naked! I think that's your favourite time of day - after bath time. You're so excited to be pat down with the towel so you can run around naked. You giggle so much because it's so fun to be free. It'll be fun this summer when you can be naked in your little pool and run around outside naked.  hee hee

You've started to play tag, and love being chased. You get a kick out of it. You also want to play chase with Schooner, but he doesn't seem to interested in you. I think that frustrates you a little, or maybe it just frustrates Schooner. You chase him, he runs away, you go up to him, he gets up and walks in the other direction. I can tell you just want to play with him, so I'm sorry he's not a younger dog. Perhaps when you're older we'll get you a dog you can take care of and play with.

Piglet, your personality and amazing smile and love makes me so happy. I love that you are starting to give me hugs and kisses.  Keep that up okay?

xoxo
Mum and dad

8 months - missed!

I just realized: I missed the 26th!!  This is the first month since Riley died that I didn't pay attention to the date. 8 months.  That's how long it took.  What progress. A part of me feels bad that I forgot, but I'm also so happy to feel like I'm really moving on. And now that I have Riley's ring with his name and bday on it, every time I look at it, I think of him. So I don't need a date anymore. 

I feel like this huge weight just lifted off my shoulders. In a way I feel free. Free of agony, guilt, remorse. I still miss him and think of him, of course, but I feel like I am finally living in the now and no longer thinking of "what if".

8 months.  That's how long it took me to accept and to heal.  What a moment.

Speech Therapy

Neil had his 18-mth check up last Friday (and I just realized it's time for his letter I'll do that next). Everything went well; he's well within his curve, he gross and fine motor skills are completely up to snuff.  The only thing is his speech.  He's a little behind and so his doctor recommended he do speech therapy. He's 20 months old (18 mths corrected age) and he only says 3-4 words:  moo (of course!), "nini", meaning "fini" (finished, in french), banana and dog. It's progress for sure, but he's a little behind. The doctor said she doesn't see any indication of a mental development issue (like autism, or a handicap), but that he probably just needs therapy to catch up.

So my head takes this all in rationally, but of course I can't help be emotional about it. We all want our babies to be "perfect" and to develop normally and not have any problems. But the reality of it is, and I can understand this perfectly, it's very often that things don't develop "perfectly".

So while I know he's going to be fine, it's still a little hard to take. Because he was a preemie, there's always been a fear in the back of my head that something's "wrong" with him.

I just have to remind myself: he didn't walk until 17 1/2 months; it will probably be the same with talking.

Right??

Is a Life without Fear Possible?

Every time I look at Neil I am overcome with love and joy and pride. He's such a terrific kid and I'm so proud to be his momma. But I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to him. I'm sure every parent feels that way, but for me I feel like it's different. It's like I'm waiting for the other ball to drop; that it can't actually be right - us being happy? I'm terrified it will all come crashing down and we'll be left with nothing. That every child we every tried to have died. It's so morbid, I know, but it's such a strong fear.

Yesterday D. and I were talking about how lucky we are with Neil - that he's such an amazing kid. And I'm not just saying that. I mean seriously - he goes to bed at 6.30pm every night and sleeps until 7am the next morning! Oh, and when he's ready for bed he literally gets up, walks to his bedroom, puts his thumb in his mouth, picks up his lamb, and waits for one of us to put him in his crib. Then he smiles at you and goes to sleep. Without a peep. Yeah, I know!

So we were talking about how lucky we are with Neil; that he's a "perfect" kid; that why would we want to press our luck with another one. That the next one might be the "nightmare" child everyone dreads. We laughed about it. He was serious. I wasn't, really.

I know it's horrible to admit, but I often think: what if we don't have another child and something happens to Neil? Then we'd have nothing. And of course you can't replace one child with another, but when Riley died I got so much strength from Neil, just having him in our lives, it made such a difference. If we had another child, would this immense fear go away? Would it minimize into just regular fear? Or, regardless of how many children we have will I always have the same fear? I don't know.

Not Pregnant

I took a pregnancy test today.  It was negative.  I didn't actually think I was pregnant, but I've been sick all week, and I've been really nauseous and feeling faint, so I thought, well...maybe? I knew deep down inside it was almost impossible (I've got an IUD), but stranger things have happened. I mean I got pregnant with Riley while I was breastfeeding Neil and on the pill. So I took the test.  It was negative.

A little piece of me was hoping, wishing it were positive. Because then I wouldn't have to make the decision to start trying to get pregnant. I wouldn't have to decide - am I really sure I want to go through this again? The decision would have been made and I would have accepted it and gone forward.

But it was negative.  So although I'm not surprised, I am secretly a little disappointed. It just would have been so much easier this way!

Letter to Neil Canyon - 19 months

March 10, 2012 (19 months)

Okay, so I'm late this month.  Sorry buddy!  February was another eventful month, that's to be sure.  Of course you got sick again and this was the worst one yet.  You got 2 ear infections and bronchitis.  No fun.  Poor pumpkin you were stuffed up and coughing and you had to go back on antibiotics and use a puffer. It was not a fun 10 days. I hate to see you sick, and suffering, but I selfishly enjoy the moments when you just want to lie in my arms and rest.  It's the only time you want to be cuddled, so I really take advantage of those moments.

Other than that it's been a pretty good month.  You continue to flourish at daycare.  You are now sliding down the "mountain" all on your own.  To be honest I was a little shocked and slightly nervous the first time I saw you do this, but the joy and excitement on your face certainly made up for it.

You are just a walking machine!  What a difference 2 months makes. You run around the house now; you walk from the house to the garage; you walk down the road to grandma's.  I'll tell you, it's so much easier now that you take yourself from point A to point me.

As each month passes you continue to state your independence and you see what you can get away with. You don't always come when I ask you to and you have fun running away from me when it's time to get dressed! Your infectious laughter makes it hard to get mad at you though, and I have a hard time keeping myself from laughing when you do that.

You love being naked!  After you bath you love running throughout the house, bare-bottomed, with a big grin on your face.  It's adorable. You also know exactly when you are ready for bed.  You'll be playing in the living room with your pj's on and then all of a sudden you'll get up, walk to the hallway and straight into your room.  you'll pull your blue bunny blankie off the side of your crib, stick your thumb in your mouth and lift your arms up to be put to bed.  I kiss you goodnight and you are asleep in minutes.  Bed time is so stress-free with you.  I am so blessed.

I'm getting a little tired of winter, and I think you are too, so it will be nice when we don't have to wear snow suits every morning and when going outside is just a matter of opening the front door.  Spring has never looked so enticing as it does now that you are in our lives. Still we try to make the most of it.  You've been on a few skidoo rides and even helped daddy plow the driveways after a big snow storm.

You no longer love to be in your stroller.  That's a not so welcomed development!  No more shopping for Neil and mommy! We went to the mall on my birthday.  You were good for the first 20 minutes after which nothing would make you happy.  And you were fed, napped and changed.  You just wanted to explore; not watch mommy try on shoes.  I can't imaging why.  lol!

Next month is your 18 month (corrected age) check up with Dr. Belanger.  We'll get to see what she thinks about all these ear infections you've been having and whether it's having an impact on your speech and hearing. We'll see :)

It's nice to see you really understanding what we tell you now.  When we say, "go get your boots", or "shut the cupboard", you understand and do what we ask you to.  It's so great to see!

Piglet, you continue to amaze me, and I continue to be amazed at how happy you make me and how happy I am being a mom.  Keep smiling that beautiful smile of yours.

xoxo
Mommy and daddy

Other anniversaries

Thursday marked the 3rd month anniversary of my mother's death.  It's been a sad week, to say the least.  Of course it doesn't help that I'm pms-ing either! I called my dad Thursday morning to let him know I was thinking of him and that I knew it was the 8th and that I wanted him to know I remembered.  That's something I've found hard to handle as more months pass between Riley's death - people forget.  It's not that they're unsympathetic or uncaring, they simply have their own lives.  But you never forget.  I'll never forget the 26th just like I'll never forget the 8th.  And so I wanted dad to know that I didn't forget.

Lately I've been starting to think more and more about the idea of getting pregnant again.  I could do it, right?  If I got pregnant next fall I would be 35 when I delivered.  That's totally feasible, right? It's nice to feel excited about the idea.  Of course it's still ridiculously terrifying, but it does excite me.  I just feel like I want to try one last time.