"we don't know when you will go into labor"

So I saw my doctor today.  I'm 1 cm dilated   Which is normally nothing to worry about, but since Neil was born 9 weeks premature, my doctor's response was, "we don't know when you will go into labor.  It could be this week, it could be in a month".  Thanks for making it easy for me doc! lol!

But overall I'm pretty zen about the whole thing.  I've got the shots of cortisone, so if anything happens at least his lungs will have a better chance.  And I've been through it before, so I know how having a premie works, and what the NICU is all about.  But I really want to make it full term.

I have contractions every day.  A few in the morning, a few at night.  It's unsettling, especially those that hurt more, because you don't know if it's just casual contractions or if it's going to start.  And you don't want to stress too much because that can make the contractions worse.  Ah, the waiting game, gotta love it!

32 weeks, 1 day.  We're getting there!

31 week milestone passed

Neil was born at 31 weeks, 2 days.  I passed that milestone on Friday.  One more hill we've conquered!  It wasn't without incident, though.  Wednesday I ended up in the hospital again with contractions.  All turned out okay - no change in cervix or baby, so we were happy about that.  They kept me for 24 hours, though, to give me the 2 shots of cortisone for baby's lungs.  This way if I do deliver prematurely in the next 2 weeks he'll have had that added help.

So I'm starting to feel more encouraged, more like this baby has a chance now.  Because if Neil was born 9 weeks early and is perfectly healthy now, then if we had another baby early it would be okay.  And I feel like I'm less afraid of the possibility of stillbirth again, even though I know it is indeed a real possibility.  But I guess because I've passed the 2 major milestones, I'm breathing a little easier.

The hardest part about all of this is being so lonely and bored.  I can't do anything, I can't go out and enjoy the winter.  It's really hard being cooped up all the time.  Like this afternoon, D's friend called him up and invited us to join him at the local outdoor rink.  Of course I couldn't go.  So D got to go and have a great time with our friends while I was stuck at the house.  It's really hard.  You get depressed because you're so emotional anyways, and no one really understands it.  All my friends are like "you're so lucky, you can relax and watch tv and get caught up on sleep".  Yeah, yeah.  You try it!  I'm such a busy, active person normally that this is just killing me!

But now we're really starting to count down: 60 days to 40 weeks!  It seems reachable now.  The last 4 weeks went by so slowly, but I do feel like the next 4 weeks will go by a little faster and then it will be just gravy.

Tug of War between Getting Excited and Being Nervous

On Thursday we went to Toys R US.  There was a stroller on sale I wanted to look at.  We ended up buying it (the Baby Trend Expedition ELX Travel System, in case you're wondering).  And do you know what my first question to the sales lady was?  If we don't take it out of the box, can we return it?  Doesn't that just suck?  Most expecting parents would be so excited to open the box as soon as they got home, to put the stroller together and test it out, etc.  My first thought is: well, I don't want to jinx anything in case he doesn't make it.

I'm having a really hard time with this.  I keep thinking about all these great things I want to buy Snoop Dog, but I'm so afraid to buy anything.  When walking around toys r us I also saw these adorable little blankets and I so wanted to get one, but something inside of me just won't let me.  I started welling up in tears because it's not fair.  It's not fair that I can't be excited and happy about this pregnancy.  All these other pregnant women are feeling these wonderful emotions and I don't get to experience any of them.

When I was pregnant with Neil and I had absolutely no idea what baby items I should get.  I knew nothing about babies before Neil came along.  So of course I had to rely on friends suggestions and figure it out along the way. Now I know better.  I want to buy the adorable blankets that I never knew existed with Neil.  I want to get the cool toys and play sets and outfits, etc, but I just can't.  I know that when Snoop is born I'll be able to do it all then, but there's something about being able to  stock up and prepare everything while pregnant that makes it so exciting.  Argh!!  No fair.

69 days to go...

Thank you to Neil's Daycare Educator

Dear Neil's Daycare Educator,

Thank you.  For everything that you do.  As the 3rd player in this Everest like climb of the mountain we call child-raising, you play such a critical role in Neil's growth and development, and you are doing such a wonderful job.  You are caring and loving, sympathetic and understanding, firm and tough when required, and exactly what our son needs during these critical early years.

We don't thank our daycare educators enough.  Why is that?  They are with our children for 9-10 hours every day.  They see our children grow and learn.  They teach our children right from wrong.  They console them when they are sad, dry their tears when they fall, and celebrate with them when they learn something new.  They help our children discover this wonderful world.  They make things interesting.  They are so creative and enthusiastic.  And yet they are always the last to be thanked.  Just because we pay them, doesn't mean they don't deserve any less praise and appreciation than, say, our child's doctor.  Sure a doctor might be able to prescribe antibiotics to rid an infection, but a daycare educator is the one who identified your child is getting sick in the first place.  She's the one who notices when something is a little off and helps you figure out what is going on.

Neil's educator, we'll call her Angel, is truly a gift from the heavens.  Now granted I don't have others to compare her to, but I feel so blessed and grateful to have found her.  Not only is her daycare only 1 km from our house, but the atmosphere she creates is so loving and caring.  You can tell the kids really love being there and have so much fun.  On Monday mornings when I say to Neil - are we going to Angel's today?  He is so excited!  When we walk in the door he has such a smile on his face and he can't wait to play with his friends, and all the toys, and read books and do puzzles and play outside and go sledding and walk through the woods and go swimming and run through the sprinkler and dig holes in the sand.  Each week he's learning something new and every day when we pick him up and ask "did you have a good day today?", the answer is always the same: "OUI!! (yes)" with a huge smile on his face.

So, Angel, thank you.  Thank you for helping us raise an amazing little boy.  I seriously don't know what we would do without you.  You have helped me learn how to be a good mother; you've given me advice and suggestions and they've never been wrong.  When Neil grows up to be a successful adult in whatever he does I know that part of that will be because of you.  Keep up with the amazing job that you're doing and know that all of us parents appreciate you so much, even if not all of them show it or say it. If I could do one thing it would be for all parents to be lucky enough to find a daycare educator as wonderful as you are.  Thank you.

Angela and Neil - Dec 2011

Better Day

Today was a much better day.  Snoop was moving around a lot, which makes everything so much easier to handle.  As long as he's moving a lot it means he's nourishing well which means he's growing well.

Neil had a great day too.  My friend and her son came over for supper and he played with them and was so happy.  He's starting to speak more and more these days, which is such a relief.  I am finally seeing an improvement there, so all in all it was a good day.

An unsettling doctor's appointment

So I had an ultrasound today. This was a follow up appointment following my brief hospital stay 2 weeks ago.  They wanted to check my cervix via ultrasound to make sure there hadn't been any changes, basically to verify that I wasn't progressing towards preterm labor.

The technician did her measurements and then went to get the doctor.  He came back and told us that everything is looking good, but Snoop Dog is a little small for his gestational age - around 15th percentile. Apparently 2 weeks ago he was in the 27th percentile (according to the ultrasound measurements), so they're concerned that maybe he's not growing enough; not getting enough nourishment from the placenta.  If I was having a normal pregnancy they wouldn't be too concerned, but because of my history and what happened last time, they want to make sure he continues to grow and gets enough nourishment. The blood flow is still very strong through umbilical chord, but there is reason for cautiousness.

Which means: ultrasounds at the high risk clinic every Thursday until baby is born to follow his growth curve and make sure he's continuing to grow enough. Doctor said that if they find baby is not growing well (ie not getting right nourishment & not growing enough) they may opt to deliver him prematurely and have him finish his growth in the neo-natal. 

I don't know what to think.  The doctor didn't seem too concerned when explaining it all to me, but at the same time, isn't it hisjob not to make us worry?  And maybe it's more serious than he's setting it out to be?  Or, maybe it's not so bad and we just need to be followed closely.  I don't know.  It's so scary and frustrating because there's nothing I can do but wait.  Wait to see.  That's the hardest part.  I'm 29 weeks now; I just need to get through this week, then next week, then we're at 31 weeks, when Neil was born.

The last 2 weeks went by so slowly, how am I every going to get through the next 2 weeks?  The next 6 weeks?  The next 11 weeks? This is so hard.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, but ARGH!!!!!  I just want Snoop Dog to be healthy, and born as close to full term as possible.  The thought of him being in neo-natal for 7 weeks like Neil is just agonizing.  Those were some of the hardest weeks of our lives and, I don't know.  Anything is better than him not making it at all, and if it means him being in neo for several weeks so be it, but we were really encouraged and really feeling positive about it all and I really, honestly, truly believed we'd make it to 37 weeks.  Now, I'm just not so sure and I'm feeling very, very low about the whole thing.

Riley's Box

I have a wooden box that sits on top of the mantel.  In it I have Riley's items from the hospital - the hat he wore, the blanket they wrapped him in, his hand print  his footprint, and the only photo I have of him.  I haven't looked through it in at least a year.  For some reason this afternoon I took it down and went through it all.

I don't know what I was searching for.  Peace? Comfort? Answers?  This baby that is growing inside of me - he wouldn't be here if Riley hadn't died.  I don't know how to feel about that.  I look forward to meeting him so much, but sometimes I feel guilty because I know I wouldn't have gotten pregnant again if Riley had lived.  They way our lives work out sometimes is so strange.  I do truly believe this is what was meant to be, but I still can't help but wonder what if.  What if Riley had lived.  What would our lives have been like?  But if he had lived, maybe we wouldn't have been able to devote so much time to Neil and his development, on which we have had to focus a fair amount on this past year.  And I wouldn't have gone back to work so early, and wouldn't have had the great year I had in my career, which puts me in a much more comfortable position now, than had I been off for another yea.r  And we wouldn't have gone on so many trips as a family of 3 before baby 2 comes.  And, and, and...

I count my blessings for all the wonderful things I do have in my life.  I miss the idea of Riley, but am grateful that I am having another chance.

29 weeks tomorrow...

Saturday

Well I'm halfway into week 28 and the weekend has arrived once again.  Of course Neil woke up at 5.45am this morning.  Breakfast is done, we're dressed and  now just need to figure out how to pass the time this morning.  And of course it's -25 C degrees outside!  Being on couch potato rest during the winter really sucks.  At least if it was nice out we could go outside and go to the park and I could watch him play.  But, alas, these are the cards we're dealt and I must deal with them.

I'm trying not to think about next week and reaching 29 weeks.  It's funny because since, during this whole pregnancy, I've been of the mind that Riley died at 26 weeks, it's almost like I've gotten through that milestone already?  All the fears and nerves I felt I went through 2 weeks ago.  I've dealt with them.  So I'm hoping that next week won't be as nerve wracking as it might have been.

Actually this week has been a lot better.  I've calmed down A LOT since being put on couch rest and that's enabled me to really know my limits, so I've been able to do more little things around the house this week - like rearranging some pictures on the wall; small organizing projects; cleaning out the desk.  All little things that don't take much effort, but I've been wanting to do for a while.  Of course, I still see all the big things, but those will have to wait.  So yeah, I guess I'm in a state of "calm before the storm".  The nesting instinct is killing me, but I'm starting the actually enjoy the forced time off.

82 days to go....