2 Months

2 months.  Really?  It's so hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  August 26th feels like so long ago, and yet Riley's due date isn't until November 5th.  It's just so surreal to know that I'm going through this stage of healing and yet my baby shouldn't even be born yet. I think once I get past his due date, I'll really be able to move on.

The past 2 months have been some of the most difficult, painful, stressful, emotional months of my life.  And yet I've found I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am.  Despite the past difficulties I had been through, Riley's death was a whole new world of difficult.  And I survived.  I still miss him like crazy and wish I had him in my life, but I feel like I am a stronger person.  And I want another baby SO BAD.  But my fear of getting pregnant again overwhelms me.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine (she was a bridesmaid at my wedding).  She doesn't have children, has never been pregnant.  And so of course she gave me the proverbial "it was for the best.  It wasn't meant to be.  Now you can try again.  I've had other friends who have been through the same thing". It's almost funny.  I laugh inwardly when people say these things because I know they're just saying what they think is the right thing to say, because really she has no idea what I've been through, or what I'm feeling, or that those are the worst possible things to say.  lol!  And it makes me smile that I can think that objectively about it.  4, 5, 6 weeks ago those words would have killed me, but now I know she's just trying to make me feel better.  And I know it's from the bottom of her heart, and I thank her for that.

2 months.  Where will I be in another month?

Moving right along

It's been a pretty good week.  There isn't much to report. My emotions are starting to even out, and I have had a few days without tears.  Pretty amazing.  On Wednesday it will be 2 months since we lost Riley.  And instead of wallowing I'll be going to a hockey game.  The Canadiens are playing the Flyers in Montreal. I guess that's what they call moving on with your life.

Christmas is approaching.  I did some shopping in New Hampshire this week.  And while it still scares me and makes me emotional, I'm no longer dreading the idea of the holidays.  I don't think it will be an especially exciting or happy time, but I'm thinking maybe I'll be able to handle it.

Progress, right?

It continues

Twice in the last two days I've run into people who knew I was pregnant but didn't know I lost the baby.   Both of them asked how the pregnancy was going.  And both times I had to tell them Riley died.  The first time was when I took my dog, Schooner, to the vet.  I've known his vet for 8 years, so he knows a little about me.  Last time I saw him was 2 weeks before we lost Riley.  Back then I was all excited and talking about how great it was to be pregnant with another boy; a little brother for Neil.  So of course my vet - get this, his name is Dr. De Vet! - asks me how the pregnancy is going.  And of course I have to go through the whole spiel, to which he offers his condolence, to which I say the inevitable, "it's okay, it happens, it's sad, but that's life".

Then today I ran into my ex-boyfriend's mother at the grocery store.  We usually run into each other 1-2 times a year.  Last time I saw her, again, was in August.  And so of course she asks how the pregnancy is going, yada yada yada.  And the poor woman started crying and gave me such a big hug.  I felt sorry for her.  For her!  It's like I have to comfort the other person, or make them feel less bad for bring up such a sorry subject.  But it's nobody's fault.  It's going to happen.  I just hope eventually either everyone will know, or I'll meet people who never knew I was pregnant and the elephant will have left the room for good.

Finally...answers provided

We finally got the results from the autopsy today.  Riley's death was due to"cord thrombosis" - basically he had a blood clot in his umbilical cord.  There is so reason for this, just that it happened.  It is an extremely rare occurrence and there is no reason to suspect something like this would happen again.

It seems like this is the story of my last 3 years: a fluke, an accident, extremely rare, no reason to suspect it would happen again.

I'm pleased at least we have the reason why.  Fortunately there was no malformation; no genetic anomaly.  But it's still hard.  The problem with the twins was an extremely rare anomaly.  Neil was born premature for an unknown reason.  And now this.  I can't help but wonder what would happen if we did try again.  Is it possible for me to have a perfectly normal pregnancy like 90% of the population?  Or would I be faced with another "rare occurrence"?  I don't think I could handle another problem.

My doctor told me to wait 18 months between delivery dates before getting pregnant again.  So if we did chose to try again, we could effectively start trying in about 7 months.  That's next May.  For the earliest possibly due date of end-February 2013.  It seems so far away!  But possible.  I wonder how I'll be feeling next May.  Will I still desperately want another child like I do now?  Or will the loss/pain/grief have faded enough that my desire for another child is not as strong?  Or perhaps I'll be terrified to try again?

I wonder...

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I will think again, as I always do, of Riley, and of the twins, and wonder what would have been.  I will thank my blessings and be grateful that I have a healthy son, Neil, but I will always wonder.  The twins would have been a year and half now.  Riley would be approaching his due date.  But it was not meant to be.

October 15-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

To think there are so many people who have lost babies that it warrants a national day of remembrance.  It's just not right.  The past 6 weeks have been some of the hardest six weeks of my life.  No one should have to go through this experience of loss and pain.  But the fact that it is recognized and remembered by others is so important.

My husband asked me today if my friends ask me about it anymore and you know what?  They don't.  It's amazing how quickly people go on with their lives.  And it's not that they're being insensitive or that they don't care, it's just that yes, they have their own lives too.  Shocking!  ha ha.  But I now know that it is so important to continue to recognize someone's pain, someone's suffering, someone's difficult situation, regardless of how long it's been since the event.

No one asks me how I'm doing anymore.  It's probably because I put up this wall of strength, that I "fake" my way through it when I'm feeling anything less than alright.  I just don't want to keep bringing other people down - my friends, my family.  The only person who truly knows how I'm feeling is my husband.  And thank goodness for him.  He has been so supportive and loving and kind.  He lets me feel how I feel, and understands that my mood and emotions are a constant roller-coaster.  He doesn't like it all the time, but he accepts it.

So what will you be doing on October 15th?  Please take a moment to remember those who have suffered infant loss.  Tell them you're thinking of them, that you care.  Recognize their pain and applaud their courage and strength.

Thanksgiving Sunday

Well, today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in 5 years I didn't host Thanksgiving dinner.  It was such a relief not to have to do everything for once.  We went to our good friends' house and were totally spoiled with an amazing feast.  It was nice to be around good friends, and honestly, really nice not to be around family.  As much as I love mine and D's family, I feel like I have to "fake it" for them.  They want me to be feeling better so I feel like I have to fake happy for them. But with my friends I don't have to try.  I can say I'm feeling bitchy or grumpy today and they get it and don't question it and let me be grumpy or bitchy.  But with my family if I say I'm feeling grumpy they want to know why, and what's wrong, and is there anything they can do.

I don't know what it is these days, but I feel pressure to be "strong" for my family.  And it's exhausting.  Fortunately we live 2 hours away from one another, but I'm stressing out already about Christmas.  It's 2 months away, but I'm afraid of how I'm going to be feeling then.  D and I had a big "discussion" about it this evening because I said "I don't want to host Christmas this year" and he got all defensive and frustrated and told me I can't plan something that's 2 months from now and I don't know how I'll be feeling in 2 months, which is true, but I just don't have the energy or excitement about Christmas that I usually do.  Who knows, maybe my thoughts will change, but as of right now, Christmas is cancelled.  lol!

6 weeks, but a pretty good day

Today was a pretty good day.  I walked Neil to daycare.  It was cold.  -2 degrees (Celsius!), but we bundled up and enjoyed our walk.  Then I did a workout when I got home, went into town, did some shopping.  It was nice.  This afternoon D called and suggested we pick up Neil early and go for a drive.  It turned out to be a gorgeous day (+14degrees), so we had a nice drive through the countryside.  Then we helped D finish up work in the barn and went to pick up carrots for our friend Frank who hunts deer on our land.  All in all it was a normal, good day.

Yesterday I was in town shopping and there was a woman with her newborn baby in front of me in line for the cash at sears.  The cashier asked her how old her baby was and she answered "just 2 weeks", wish that sweet, loving smile all new mothers have.  It was heartbreaking.  I had to physically turn the other way and focus on not crying.  I was really surprised.  I didn't think seeing a newborn after 6 weeks would affect me like that.  But obviously it did.

6 weeks today.  Yup, still thinking in terms of weeks.  That'll end soon, right??

October 5th - one month to original due date

Last night I was thinking about Riley and realized that we are one month away from his original due date, November 5th.  It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now. It's funny because all along we were thinking I would probably going into labour around the 36th week, which is pretty much where we are now.  On Friday it will be six weeks since Riley's death and it feels really strange.  It feels like so long ago, and yet I'm supposed to still be pregnant right now.  It's like these two states of being are in polar opposites.

If I was still pregnant we would be preparing for Riley's arrival.  We would be putting the final touches together on his and Neil's room.  I would be HUGE, and sick of being pregnant and mentally preparing myself for his birth.

Instead, I'm not pregnant.  I'm living in a constant state of limbo, where I'm trying to go on with my life and do
"normal" things, but yet everything I do reminds me of my lack of being pregnant.  It's a bizarre, bizarre state of being.  I wonder when I get over this feeling of being in limbo and truly move on with my life?

Thanksgiving and the holidays

So Thanksgiving is next weekend and some members of my family and some members of D's family have asked what we're doing.  Will we be hosting a meal?  Will we be going to the cottage to see my folks?  To be honest I just don't want to do anything.  Yeah, sure, I have plenty to be thankful for: my health, my son, my husband, etc, etc.  But I just don't feel like celebrating this year.  I don't feel like putting on a fake smile and pretending like I want to listen to our families talk about useless unimportant things and I have to go on pretending like I want a big gathering.  So why should I?

Because if I don't then I'll be disappointing everyone.  And I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I just don't feel like doing anything this year.  Is that so bad?  I've hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas every year for the last 5 years.  Do I really have to do it this year too?

It makes me wonder where my mind is going to be when we get closer to Christmas.  Will I feel the same way?  Will I not want to host Christmas either?  Usually my parents and brother come up and spend 4-5 days at our house, but I'm just not sure I have the energy to deal with that this year.  I know it's still 3 months away, but it will be here before we know it.  I half joked to D that we should go away for Christmas this year.  He didn't seem too interested in that idea.  He wants to spend the holidays with his family.  But I just don't feel like in the celebratory mood these days.  It shouldn't be a big surprise to anyone.  Oh, I don't know.  I'll probably have to suck it up and do it anyways.  damn holidays :)

I know I should be thankful for everything I have in my life, but sometimes I like to be selfish and self-deprecating and just wallow in my misery.  Is that so bad?