2 Months

2 months.  Really?  It's so hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  August 26th feels like so long ago, and yet Riley's due date isn't until November 5th.  It's just so surreal to know that I'm going through this stage of healing and yet my baby shouldn't even be born yet. I think once I get past his due date, I'll really be able to move on.

The past 2 months have been some of the most difficult, painful, stressful, emotional months of my life.  And yet I've found I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am.  Despite the past difficulties I had been through, Riley's death was a whole new world of difficult.  And I survived.  I still miss him like crazy and wish I had him in my life, but I feel like I am a stronger person.  And I want another baby SO BAD.  But my fear of getting pregnant again overwhelms me.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine (she was a bridesmaid at my wedding).  She doesn't have children, has never been pregnant.  And so of course she gave me the proverbial "it was for the best.  It wasn't meant to be.  Now you can try again.  I've had other friends who have been through the same thing". It's almost funny.  I laugh inwardly when people say these things because I know they're just saying what they think is the right thing to say, because really she has no idea what I've been through, or what I'm feeling, or that those are the worst possible things to say.  lol!  And it makes me smile that I can think that objectively about it.  4, 5, 6 weeks ago those words would have killed me, but now I know she's just trying to make me feel better.  And I know it's from the bottom of her heart, and I thank her for that.

2 months.  Where will I be in another month?