Last night I was thinking about Riley and realized that we are one month away from his original due date, November 5th. It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now. It's funny because all along we were thinking I would probably going into labour around the 36th week, which is pretty much where we are now. On Friday it will be six weeks since Riley's death and it feels really strange. It feels like so long ago, and yet I'm supposed to still be pregnant right now. It's like these two states of being are in polar opposites.
If I was still pregnant we would be preparing for Riley's arrival. We would be putting the final touches together on his and Neil's room. I would be HUGE, and sick of being pregnant and mentally preparing myself for his birth.
Instead, I'm not pregnant. I'm living in a constant state of limbo, where I'm trying to go on with my life and do
"normal" things, but yet everything I do reminds me of my lack of being pregnant. It's a bizarre, bizarre state of being. I wonder when I get over this feeling of being in limbo and truly move on with my life?
Cat, I had the same kind of feelings. There were 6.5 weeks between when I had Kayla and when her due date was. It is/was such a strange feeling, I had been counting down to June 21st since the day I found out I was pregnant...but by that day I was already deep into the grieving process.
ReplyDeleteI did feel a little bit "better" after my due date passed, like I could stop wishing I were still pregnant and I started focusing on actively grieving more.
Hope you are doing OK.