So Thanksgiving is next weekend and some members of my family and some members of D's family have asked what we're doing. Will we be hosting a meal? Will we be going to the cottage to see my folks? To be honest I just don't want to do anything. Yeah, sure, I have plenty to be thankful for: my health, my son, my husband, etc, etc. But I just don't feel like celebrating this year. I don't feel like putting on a fake smile and pretending like I want to listen to our families talk about useless unimportant things and I have to go on pretending like I want a big gathering. So why should I?
Because if I don't then I'll be disappointing everyone. And I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I just don't feel like doing anything this year. Is that so bad? I've hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas every year for the last 5 years. Do I really have to do it this year too?
It makes me wonder where my mind is going to be when we get closer to Christmas. Will I feel the same way? Will I not want to host Christmas either? Usually my parents and brother come up and spend 4-5 days at our house, but I'm just not sure I have the energy to deal with that this year. I know it's still 3 months away, but it will be here before we know it. I half joked to D that we should go away for Christmas this year. He didn't seem too interested in that idea. He wants to spend the holidays with his family. But I just don't feel like in the celebratory mood these days. It shouldn't be a big surprise to anyone. Oh, I don't know. I'll probably have to suck it up and do it anyways. damn holidays :)
I know I should be thankful for everything I have in my life, but sometimes I like to be selfish and self-deprecating and just wallow in my misery. Is that so bad?
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