Well, today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in 5 years I didn't host Thanksgiving dinner. It was such a relief not to have to do everything for once. We went to our good friends' house and were totally spoiled with an amazing feast. It was nice to be around good friends, and honestly, really nice not to be around family. As much as I love mine and D's family, I feel like I have to "fake it" for them. They want me to be feeling better so I feel like I have to fake happy for them. But with my friends I don't have to try. I can say I'm feeling bitchy or grumpy today and they get it and don't question it and let me be grumpy or bitchy. But with my family if I say I'm feeling grumpy they want to know why, and what's wrong, and is there anything they can do.
I don't know what it is these days, but I feel pressure to be "strong" for my family. And it's exhausting. Fortunately we live 2 hours away from one another, but I'm stressing out already about Christmas. It's 2 months away, but I'm afraid of how I'm going to be feeling then. D and I had a big "discussion" about it this evening because I said "I don't want to host Christmas this year" and he got all defensive and frustrated and told me I can't plan something that's 2 months from now and I don't know how I'll be feeling in 2 months, which is true, but I just don't have the energy or excitement about Christmas that I usually do. Who knows, maybe my thoughts will change, but as of right now, Christmas is cancelled. lol!
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