Finally...answers provided

We finally got the results from the autopsy today.  Riley's death was due to"cord thrombosis" - basically he had a blood clot in his umbilical cord.  There is so reason for this, just that it happened.  It is an extremely rare occurrence and there is no reason to suspect something like this would happen again.

It seems like this is the story of my last 3 years: a fluke, an accident, extremely rare, no reason to suspect it would happen again.

I'm pleased at least we have the reason why.  Fortunately there was no malformation; no genetic anomaly.  But it's still hard.  The problem with the twins was an extremely rare anomaly.  Neil was born premature for an unknown reason.  And now this.  I can't help but wonder what would happen if we did try again.  Is it possible for me to have a perfectly normal pregnancy like 90% of the population?  Or would I be faced with another "rare occurrence"?  I don't think I could handle another problem.

My doctor told me to wait 18 months between delivery dates before getting pregnant again.  So if we did chose to try again, we could effectively start trying in about 7 months.  That's next May.  For the earliest possibly due date of end-February 2013.  It seems so far away!  But possible.  I wonder how I'll be feeling next May.  Will I still desperately want another child like I do now?  Or will the loss/pain/grief have faded enough that my desire for another child is not as strong?  Or perhaps I'll be terrified to try again?

I wonder...

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I will think again, as I always do, of Riley, and of the twins, and wonder what would have been.  I will thank my blessings and be grateful that I have a healthy son, Neil, but I will always wonder.  The twins would have been a year and half now.  Riley would be approaching his due date.  But it was not meant to be.