Revelations

My mother's funeral was on Thursday.  It was a very long day.  But, overall, I think it went amazingly well.  The service itself was just beautiful.  My mom finished her university degree in 1999 in Eastern Religious Studies, so one of her professors, who is a buddist monk, officiated. It was exactly like she would have wanted it to be. It was sad, but it was joyful too at times.  There were many tears and many laughs and through it all I got to remember my mother for the amazing, adventurous woman she was.  I also got to see many friends, family and neighbours I hadn't seen in years.

To be honest, it kind of puts everything into perspective for me.  I realize how lucky I am to have my son, Neil. How lucky I am to have a loving husband, a wonderful father and brother.  I realize that I don't have a dysfunctional family and for that I am so grateful! And most of all I realize that Riley's death, while tragic, is perhaps not as awful as I felt it to be these last 2 months.  Yes we dreamed of his life and future, but we do have a wonderful family already and I am so fortunate for that.

After Riley's death I tried to find a reason in it all; the purpose for his dying. When I lost the twins, it became so clear to me - I finally knew I really wanted children (before then I was on the fence). And after Riley died I wondered if perhaps it was to tell me that I really wanted a second child (we weren't sure we wanted to try again, due to Neil's struggles). But when I was at my mother's bedside, and had passed away, I thought to myself, "now Riley has someone to watch over him in Heaven."

And then I wondered: maybe I wasn't meant to have Riley.  Because if I had, he would have been one month old when mom died, and that would have made it significantly harder.  And maybe Riley was supposed to die because now although mom won't get to see Neil grow up, she will get to see Riley grow up.

So yeah, it puts everything into perspective, and I feel like I'm finally at peace with Riley's death.  And that brings me a certain level of serenity I didn't have before.  So I'm thankful for that.

Heartbreak again

It's been a while since I wrote.  We did indeed go on vacation to Jamaica, and got back December 2nd.  The exact same week my parents were vacationing in Antigua - their first trip to the Caribbean.  My dad was never to keen, but my mom thought it would be a great idea.  I finally convinced them to go, by finding them a wonderful, quiet, all-inclusive resort.
They returned December 3rd and were just so thrilled to have gone.  Both of them raved about their trip, my mother especially, saying how romantic and relaxing it was.
December 7th I receive a phone call.  My mother has had a brain hemorrhage and is in a coma.  I rush to Montreal to get to her bedside.

Tragically, my mother passed away at 4.12am on December 8th.

It's just so unbelievable.  To have to go through such heartache, so soon after losing Riley, it's just not fair.

She was on a respirator and so I got to say goodbye to her, at least.  While I was talking to her, she had tears coming out of her eyes, so I know she could hear me.  And I can only just imagine - was she wishing desperately she could respond to me?  To tell me that she loved me too?  That she was proud of me?  That she thinks I'm a good mother?

Because that's what I told her.  I told her I only hope I can be as good a mother to Neil as she was to me.

It's just so devastating. My mother is dead.  It's so hard to believe. Fortunately she lived a full and happy life - she accomplished so much.  She travelled the world, had a loving relationship with my father (40 years this February), she fought, and beat, breast cancer in 1990.  At 76 years of age, she definitely lived a full life.  She lived  in England, France, Greece, Australia, Italy, Sweden, Vancouver, Montreal, and she traveled to so many other countries too.

But she's gone.

In a way, I feel more prepared for this loss; this grief, because I just lost Riley.  I know what to expect in terms of my grief.  It's just so hard to see my dad going through his pain.  I know what he's feeling, and what he's going to feel, and it's just so hard to watch.  Fortunately my brother is here from Vancouver, but come January Paul goes home, I return to work, and my dad will be alone, in their big house, having to move on.  I just can't imagine that.

So, here's to the end of 2011.  It's been enough, thank you very much.  I'm hereby requesting that 2012 be a much happier and joyful year, without the heartache of the last 3 years.

Some good news

Each winter, since 2007, D and I and our close friends John and JoJo have gone down south together.  Our first trip was to Puerto Vallarta.  Since then we've been to Puerto Plata, Montego Bay, and Tulum.  Last year we were supposed to go back to PV and bring Neil.  But unfortunately a wrongly diagnosed illness to Neil caused us to cancel our trip.  And this winter I'm just returning to work so we won't be joining John and Jojo in Puerto Plata.  So, instead, D and I decided to book a solo trip to Jamaica this fall.  It's a way for us to get away from it all and to still get our trip down south.

Yesterday we went for lunch with J & J and wouldn't you know, "surprise! We're coming with you!".  They called our travel agent and booked the same trip and are coming on vacation with us!  I'm so excited.  They're still going on the annual trip in January so it makes it even more surprising that they've decided to come with us now.

It's just nice to be genuinely happy about something and, for once, not feeling guilty for being happy.

It's been a rough week

Well to say it's been a rough week is an understatement :)  Last Tuesday night I came down with a fever and ended up sick in bed for 5 days.  Fever last 4 days.  Turns out I have a viral lung infection.  Fun.  But since it's not bacterial, there's no meds I can take, except for an inhaler to help clear my lungs out.  Lovely.  So after everything else I've been through over the last 3 years, now this.  Sometimes I wonder: is it just me?  Am I the only one who seems to have more health issues these days?  Or is everyone in their 30's encountering new health issues.  Or is it because I've been pregnant the last 3 years and gained 40 pounds?  Or is it both?  Either way it's just one more thing to deal with.

We're leaving on Friday for Jamaica and I'm so scared that I won't be feeling 100% or, worse, Neil will get sick.  Last January we had to cancel our trip to Puerto Vallarta because they thought Neil had a serious health issue (it turned out to be fine, but it was scary at the time).  It's like I'm treading lightly so as not to rock the boat before Friday.

I guess that's how it would feel every day if I were to get pregnant again. Treading water; anxious; nervous; scared. And to have those emotions every day for 9 months?  Oof!  I don't know how women who have been through stillbirth can handle it.

And yet I want to be able to handle it and I want to get pregnant again.  I just have to wait until May to do so.

That's a long way off!!

Days go by

It's November 15th.  Hard to believe how time has flown by.  In just 7 weeks I'll be back at work and in a way, back to reality.  Being at home, in this magical world, it's like life isn't really happening.  But once I return to reality and a regular schedule, I think it'll be different; interesting.  To be honest I'm not quite sure how it will be!  In one sense it will be good to get back into a routine, but on the other I'll officially be moving on with my life then.

We go on vacation in 10 days.  Now that excites me.  It's going to be so nice to get away, get to warmer climates, and try an really enjoy time as a family away from home, from all the reminders of our life.  I can't wait.

Rough Day

Today was a rough day.  Yesterday evening I started to feel weepy and today was just a full blown day of weariness.  I cried several times today.  I just kept missing Riley and missing the baby that isn't here.  I kept remembering what should have been.  It was a rough day.  It amazes me that even now, 2 1/2 months after our loss, I still have these intense moments of sadness. It's awful!  I hate feeling this way.  Every little thing seemed to set off the waterworks today.  It didn't matter what I was doing if something, no matter how small, didn't go my way the tears started falling.

Tomorrow we're going to have a family portrait taken.  It's another way I'm trying to move on and focus on the good in my life.  And I have a good family.  I want to celebrate that.  Hopefully the portraits will go well and I won't think of the fact that Riley's not there to be a part of it.

Going through the motions

Thursday Nov 10th:

I wrote this yesterday but my blogger site wasn't working:

Not much to say these days.  I go through my days as good as possible.  I think of Riley often and as we near the holiday season I'm reminded daily that he's not here.  My desire to celebrate the holidays is minimal, but I know it's important to my family so I will try.  I guess the pressure to be happy is very strong, and I just don't feel like it.  Is that wrong?  I don't want to ruin it for anyone else, but honestly, it just doesn't interest me this year.

We're having unseasonably warm weather, which is so nice, so I've been spending lots of time outdoors, going for walks and runs.  It always feels great when I get home from a walk or run - like I'm doing something good for myself.

And I'm starting to count down the days to when I have to return to work.  7 weeks Ugh.  It's going to go by so fast.

Vacation

Well....we're going on vacation.  D, Neil and I are headed off the Jamaica for one week.  I'm very excited about this vacation.  But yet every time I think about how happy I am it reminds me that technically I shouldn't have the opportunity to be on vacation.  But D. and I decided that it would be a good idea to go, since I'm going back to work in January, and that this will be a good opportunity for us.  So while I'm looking forward to the time away, and the sunshine, I can't help but remember that if everything had worked out like it should I wouldn't be going on this vacation.

So, I'll take a moment to write Riley's name in the sand and thank my blessings for the good in my life - my wonderful husband, my beautiful boy Neil, and my family and friends.

Ocean...here I come!!

Riley's Due Date is tomorrow

So Riley's due date is tomorrow, November 5th.  I'm writing today because tomorrow I am going out of town to visit a girlfriend.  It's the first time since Neil was born that I'm going somewhere, by myself, overnight.  D. is taking care of Neil for the weekend.

Originally when I planned the visit I wasn't paying attention of the date, but now that it's planned I think it's a good thing I'm getting away.  At least I won't be sitting in my house, depressed and lonely.  Instead I'll be driving 4 hours.  Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing!

As November 5th looms it reminds me of many things.  That Riley's not here, what should have been, but also I am able to notice the good in my life these days.  Since Neil is in daycare full time and I'm not yet back to work (I go back Jan 2nd) I've been able to spend time on myself.  Especially this past month.  September was torture for me, but October has been much better.  I've been seeing friends, exercising, travelling, and did some reno/upgrades in my house.  This has made me the most happy.  I moved into this house with D. 5 years ago.  It was his mother's old house, so it was decorated à la 70's style.  Since we moved in I never found the time to do the upgrades I wanted.  So this month I took the opportunity God gave me and did those upgrades.  I painted the hallway (which used to be teal blue!).  I painted the dining room (which used to be pink!).  I put up new moldings and baseboards.  I replaced all the ceiling lights.  I replaced the dining room chandelier.  And it feels so good.  And whilst I still feel ridiculously guilty for allowing myself to feel good about having the time to do all this, I can't help but feel happy about it.

I would change all of it just to have Riley alive and in our lives.  None of this replaces him, but it helps me accept our situation and heal and hopefully, eventually, move on.

November 5th.

I mean seriously.  I'm supposed to have a baby right now!  It's just so surreal, and unimaginable.  And as much as it hurts, as much as I cry when I think about him, I have this strange sense of acceptance.  That this is how it's supposed to be.  You know before Neil was born I was so busy at work and so stressed out that I took it out on myself.  Then Neil was born, 9 weeks premature, and we had to go through all the difficulties of his first 6 months of life.  Then I got pregnant and was stressed out and nervous.  Then I lost Riley.  So maybe this is God's way of telling me, "Cat, you need to take care of yourself.  You need to focus on you and ensure that you are healthy, calm, relaxed, before you have another baby".

Is that it?  You know since my first pregnancy in 2009 until I lost Riley I was not a healthy person.  Sure, I tried to be, but I always reverted back to my old ways.  I gained 40 pounds over the last 3 years, and while I can blame some of it on pregnancy, most of it was simply sue to unhealthy eating habits.  But since Riley's death it's like something clicked inside of me and I said, "no more".  I'm eating healthy, I'm exercising consistently (well as consistently as I can. lol), and I've lost 19 pounds.  I still have about 20 to go, but for the first time in a very long time I'm starting to feel healthy.

So maybe this was God's plan for me.  It kills me to think that Riley had to die to make me feel like this, but there's got to be a reason, right?

Gosh - I have so many thoughts and emotions I could go on for hours!!  But I won't.

Tomorrow I will think of Riley and I will miss him and wish he were here.  But I will also be thankful for the blessings I do have and for the good that is in my life.

Dear Neil

Dear Neil (15 months),

October was a busy month!  It seemed we traveled somewhere each week.  We went to grandma and grandpa's cottage where you, grandpa and I went for a hike to see the beautiful fall colours.  We went for a walk with your girlfriends at the Johnville Bog.  We went to Cornwall to visit Frank and Janie, and we went shopping in North Conway.

You're so close to walking!  You stand on your own easily now and I can tell you want to walk, you just don't quite have the confidence to take those first steps yet.  But you walk easily when we hold your hands, and even quite well when we're holding just one hand.

Your personality is shining through more and more now, too.  You don't like to stay seated at restaurants too long anymore.  The last few times we've been to a restaurant you're gotten frustrated and fussy.  Looks like we'll be staying home more now.  But now you're started feeding yourself with your own spoon.  And god forbid I should try to feed you myself!  No, no!  You need the spoon in your own hand so you can feed yourself directly.  Makes for some very messy mealtimes, but it's so wonderful to see you stating your independence already.

We're still waiting for that first word.  There was one day when you were in your playpen and you wanted to get out.  You put your hands out and said "mama.  mama".  It was clear and distinct and I was so happy!  But since then you've just been talking in your own language.  It will come soon, I'm sure.

And of course October is the month of Halloween!  You were so cute in your leopard costume.  You wore it to daycare and you wore it trick or treating at grandma's.  You are still too young to trick or treat around the neighborhood.  Maybe in another year or two.

Speaking of daycare, you are absolutely loving it there!  You are so happy to see your friends each morning and when I come to pick you up in the evening you don't want to leave.  Sabrina is so great with you, and all the kids, and it's great to see you mimicking what some of the older kids are doing.  It's obviously having a great affect on you, so I'm so happy we found her.

All in all it's been an eventful, exciting month for you, and for us!  Can't wait to see what November has in store.  Perhaps this time next month we'll be writing about your first steps?

Much love,
Mom and dad

A Poem for Riley

I read a poem on a community site for stillbirth.  It is so beautiful I wanted to share it here:

We thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

We thought about you yesterday, 

and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,

we often speak your name.

All we have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

with which we will never part.

God has you in His keeping,

we have you in our hearts.

A million times we`ve wanted you. 

A million times we cried.

If love could only have saved you, 

you never would have died.

It broke our hearts to lose you.

But you didn`t go alone.

For a part of us went with you...

the day God called you Home.

2 Months

2 months.  Really?  It's so hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  August 26th feels like so long ago, and yet Riley's due date isn't until November 5th.  It's just so surreal to know that I'm going through this stage of healing and yet my baby shouldn't even be born yet. I think once I get past his due date, I'll really be able to move on.

The past 2 months have been some of the most difficult, painful, stressful, emotional months of my life.  And yet I've found I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am.  Despite the past difficulties I had been through, Riley's death was a whole new world of difficult.  And I survived.  I still miss him like crazy and wish I had him in my life, but I feel like I am a stronger person.  And I want another baby SO BAD.  But my fear of getting pregnant again overwhelms me.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine (she was a bridesmaid at my wedding).  She doesn't have children, has never been pregnant.  And so of course she gave me the proverbial "it was for the best.  It wasn't meant to be.  Now you can try again.  I've had other friends who have been through the same thing". It's almost funny.  I laugh inwardly when people say these things because I know they're just saying what they think is the right thing to say, because really she has no idea what I've been through, or what I'm feeling, or that those are the worst possible things to say.  lol!  And it makes me smile that I can think that objectively about it.  4, 5, 6 weeks ago those words would have killed me, but now I know she's just trying to make me feel better.  And I know it's from the bottom of her heart, and I thank her for that.

2 months.  Where will I be in another month?

Moving right along

It's been a pretty good week.  There isn't much to report. My emotions are starting to even out, and I have had a few days without tears.  Pretty amazing.  On Wednesday it will be 2 months since we lost Riley.  And instead of wallowing I'll be going to a hockey game.  The Canadiens are playing the Flyers in Montreal. I guess that's what they call moving on with your life.

Christmas is approaching.  I did some shopping in New Hampshire this week.  And while it still scares me and makes me emotional, I'm no longer dreading the idea of the holidays.  I don't think it will be an especially exciting or happy time, but I'm thinking maybe I'll be able to handle it.

Progress, right?

It continues

Twice in the last two days I've run into people who knew I was pregnant but didn't know I lost the baby.   Both of them asked how the pregnancy was going.  And both times I had to tell them Riley died.  The first time was when I took my dog, Schooner, to the vet.  I've known his vet for 8 years, so he knows a little about me.  Last time I saw him was 2 weeks before we lost Riley.  Back then I was all excited and talking about how great it was to be pregnant with another boy; a little brother for Neil.  So of course my vet - get this, his name is Dr. De Vet! - asks me how the pregnancy is going.  And of course I have to go through the whole spiel, to which he offers his condolence, to which I say the inevitable, "it's okay, it happens, it's sad, but that's life".

Then today I ran into my ex-boyfriend's mother at the grocery store.  We usually run into each other 1-2 times a year.  Last time I saw her, again, was in August.  And so of course she asks how the pregnancy is going, yada yada yada.  And the poor woman started crying and gave me such a big hug.  I felt sorry for her.  For her!  It's like I have to comfort the other person, or make them feel less bad for bring up such a sorry subject.  But it's nobody's fault.  It's going to happen.  I just hope eventually either everyone will know, or I'll meet people who never knew I was pregnant and the elephant will have left the room for good.

Finally...answers provided

We finally got the results from the autopsy today.  Riley's death was due to"cord thrombosis" - basically he had a blood clot in his umbilical cord.  There is so reason for this, just that it happened.  It is an extremely rare occurrence and there is no reason to suspect something like this would happen again.

It seems like this is the story of my last 3 years: a fluke, an accident, extremely rare, no reason to suspect it would happen again.

I'm pleased at least we have the reason why.  Fortunately there was no malformation; no genetic anomaly.  But it's still hard.  The problem with the twins was an extremely rare anomaly.  Neil was born premature for an unknown reason.  And now this.  I can't help but wonder what would happen if we did try again.  Is it possible for me to have a perfectly normal pregnancy like 90% of the population?  Or would I be faced with another "rare occurrence"?  I don't think I could handle another problem.

My doctor told me to wait 18 months between delivery dates before getting pregnant again.  So if we did chose to try again, we could effectively start trying in about 7 months.  That's next May.  For the earliest possibly due date of end-February 2013.  It seems so far away!  But possible.  I wonder how I'll be feeling next May.  Will I still desperately want another child like I do now?  Or will the loss/pain/grief have faded enough that my desire for another child is not as strong?  Or perhaps I'll be terrified to try again?

I wonder...

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I will think again, as I always do, of Riley, and of the twins, and wonder what would have been.  I will thank my blessings and be grateful that I have a healthy son, Neil, but I will always wonder.  The twins would have been a year and half now.  Riley would be approaching his due date.  But it was not meant to be.

October 15-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

To think there are so many people who have lost babies that it warrants a national day of remembrance.  It's just not right.  The past 6 weeks have been some of the hardest six weeks of my life.  No one should have to go through this experience of loss and pain.  But the fact that it is recognized and remembered by others is so important.

My husband asked me today if my friends ask me about it anymore and you know what?  They don't.  It's amazing how quickly people go on with their lives.  And it's not that they're being insensitive or that they don't care, it's just that yes, they have their own lives too.  Shocking!  ha ha.  But I now know that it is so important to continue to recognize someone's pain, someone's suffering, someone's difficult situation, regardless of how long it's been since the event.

No one asks me how I'm doing anymore.  It's probably because I put up this wall of strength, that I "fake" my way through it when I'm feeling anything less than alright.  I just don't want to keep bringing other people down - my friends, my family.  The only person who truly knows how I'm feeling is my husband.  And thank goodness for him.  He has been so supportive and loving and kind.  He lets me feel how I feel, and understands that my mood and emotions are a constant roller-coaster.  He doesn't like it all the time, but he accepts it.

So what will you be doing on October 15th?  Please take a moment to remember those who have suffered infant loss.  Tell them you're thinking of them, that you care.  Recognize their pain and applaud their courage and strength.

Thanksgiving Sunday

Well, today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in 5 years I didn't host Thanksgiving dinner.  It was such a relief not to have to do everything for once.  We went to our good friends' house and were totally spoiled with an amazing feast.  It was nice to be around good friends, and honestly, really nice not to be around family.  As much as I love mine and D's family, I feel like I have to "fake it" for them.  They want me to be feeling better so I feel like I have to fake happy for them. But with my friends I don't have to try.  I can say I'm feeling bitchy or grumpy today and they get it and don't question it and let me be grumpy or bitchy.  But with my family if I say I'm feeling grumpy they want to know why, and what's wrong, and is there anything they can do.

I don't know what it is these days, but I feel pressure to be "strong" for my family.  And it's exhausting.  Fortunately we live 2 hours away from one another, but I'm stressing out already about Christmas.  It's 2 months away, but I'm afraid of how I'm going to be feeling then.  D and I had a big "discussion" about it this evening because I said "I don't want to host Christmas this year" and he got all defensive and frustrated and told me I can't plan something that's 2 months from now and I don't know how I'll be feeling in 2 months, which is true, but I just don't have the energy or excitement about Christmas that I usually do.  Who knows, maybe my thoughts will change, but as of right now, Christmas is cancelled.  lol!

6 weeks, but a pretty good day

Today was a pretty good day.  I walked Neil to daycare.  It was cold.  -2 degrees (Celsius!), but we bundled up and enjoyed our walk.  Then I did a workout when I got home, went into town, did some shopping.  It was nice.  This afternoon D called and suggested we pick up Neil early and go for a drive.  It turned out to be a gorgeous day (+14degrees), so we had a nice drive through the countryside.  Then we helped D finish up work in the barn and went to pick up carrots for our friend Frank who hunts deer on our land.  All in all it was a normal, good day.

Yesterday I was in town shopping and there was a woman with her newborn baby in front of me in line for the cash at sears.  The cashier asked her how old her baby was and she answered "just 2 weeks", wish that sweet, loving smile all new mothers have.  It was heartbreaking.  I had to physically turn the other way and focus on not crying.  I was really surprised.  I didn't think seeing a newborn after 6 weeks would affect me like that.  But obviously it did.

6 weeks today.  Yup, still thinking in terms of weeks.  That'll end soon, right??

October 5th - one month to original due date

Last night I was thinking about Riley and realized that we are one month away from his original due date, November 5th.  It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now. It's funny because all along we were thinking I would probably going into labour around the 36th week, which is pretty much where we are now.  On Friday it will be six weeks since Riley's death and it feels really strange.  It feels like so long ago, and yet I'm supposed to still be pregnant right now.  It's like these two states of being are in polar opposites.

If I was still pregnant we would be preparing for Riley's arrival.  We would be putting the final touches together on his and Neil's room.  I would be HUGE, and sick of being pregnant and mentally preparing myself for his birth.

Instead, I'm not pregnant.  I'm living in a constant state of limbo, where I'm trying to go on with my life and do
"normal" things, but yet everything I do reminds me of my lack of being pregnant.  It's a bizarre, bizarre state of being.  I wonder when I get over this feeling of being in limbo and truly move on with my life?

Thanksgiving and the holidays

So Thanksgiving is next weekend and some members of my family and some members of D's family have asked what we're doing.  Will we be hosting a meal?  Will we be going to the cottage to see my folks?  To be honest I just don't want to do anything.  Yeah, sure, I have plenty to be thankful for: my health, my son, my husband, etc, etc.  But I just don't feel like celebrating this year.  I don't feel like putting on a fake smile and pretending like I want to listen to our families talk about useless unimportant things and I have to go on pretending like I want a big gathering.  So why should I?

Because if I don't then I'll be disappointing everyone.  And I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I just don't feel like doing anything this year.  Is that so bad?  I've hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas every year for the last 5 years.  Do I really have to do it this year too?

It makes me wonder where my mind is going to be when we get closer to Christmas.  Will I feel the same way?  Will I not want to host Christmas either?  Usually my parents and brother come up and spend 4-5 days at our house, but I'm just not sure I have the energy to deal with that this year.  I know it's still 3 months away, but it will be here before we know it.  I half joked to D that we should go away for Christmas this year.  He didn't seem too interested in that idea.  He wants to spend the holidays with his family.  But I just don't feel like in the celebratory mood these days.  It shouldn't be a big surprise to anyone.  Oh, I don't know.  I'll probably have to suck it up and do it anyways.  damn holidays :)

I know I should be thankful for everything I have in my life, but sometimes I like to be selfish and self-deprecating and just wallow in my misery.  Is that so bad?