2 Months

2 months.  Really?  It's so hard to describe how I'm feeling right now.  August 26th feels like so long ago, and yet Riley's due date isn't until November 5th.  It's just so surreal to know that I'm going through this stage of healing and yet my baby shouldn't even be born yet. I think once I get past his due date, I'll really be able to move on.

The past 2 months have been some of the most difficult, painful, stressful, emotional months of my life.  And yet I've found I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am.  Despite the past difficulties I had been through, Riley's death was a whole new world of difficult.  And I survived.  I still miss him like crazy and wish I had him in my life, but I feel like I am a stronger person.  And I want another baby SO BAD.  But my fear of getting pregnant again overwhelms me.

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine (she was a bridesmaid at my wedding).  She doesn't have children, has never been pregnant.  And so of course she gave me the proverbial "it was for the best.  It wasn't meant to be.  Now you can try again.  I've had other friends who have been through the same thing". It's almost funny.  I laugh inwardly when people say these things because I know they're just saying what they think is the right thing to say, because really she has no idea what I've been through, or what I'm feeling, or that those are the worst possible things to say.  lol!  And it makes me smile that I can think that objectively about it.  4, 5, 6 weeks ago those words would have killed me, but now I know she's just trying to make me feel better.  And I know it's from the bottom of her heart, and I thank her for that.

2 months.  Where will I be in another month?

Moving right along

It's been a pretty good week.  There isn't much to report. My emotions are starting to even out, and I have had a few days without tears.  Pretty amazing.  On Wednesday it will be 2 months since we lost Riley.  And instead of wallowing I'll be going to a hockey game.  The Canadiens are playing the Flyers in Montreal. I guess that's what they call moving on with your life.

Christmas is approaching.  I did some shopping in New Hampshire this week.  And while it still scares me and makes me emotional, I'm no longer dreading the idea of the holidays.  I don't think it will be an especially exciting or happy time, but I'm thinking maybe I'll be able to handle it.

Progress, right?

It continues

Twice in the last two days I've run into people who knew I was pregnant but didn't know I lost the baby.   Both of them asked how the pregnancy was going.  And both times I had to tell them Riley died.  The first time was when I took my dog, Schooner, to the vet.  I've known his vet for 8 years, so he knows a little about me.  Last time I saw him was 2 weeks before we lost Riley.  Back then I was all excited and talking about how great it was to be pregnant with another boy; a little brother for Neil.  So of course my vet - get this, his name is Dr. De Vet! - asks me how the pregnancy is going.  And of course I have to go through the whole spiel, to which he offers his condolence, to which I say the inevitable, "it's okay, it happens, it's sad, but that's life".

Then today I ran into my ex-boyfriend's mother at the grocery store.  We usually run into each other 1-2 times a year.  Last time I saw her, again, was in August.  And so of course she asks how the pregnancy is going, yada yada yada.  And the poor woman started crying and gave me such a big hug.  I felt sorry for her.  For her!  It's like I have to comfort the other person, or make them feel less bad for bring up such a sorry subject.  But it's nobody's fault.  It's going to happen.  I just hope eventually either everyone will know, or I'll meet people who never knew I was pregnant and the elephant will have left the room for good.

Finally...answers provided

We finally got the results from the autopsy today.  Riley's death was due to"cord thrombosis" - basically he had a blood clot in his umbilical cord.  There is so reason for this, just that it happened.  It is an extremely rare occurrence and there is no reason to suspect something like this would happen again.

It seems like this is the story of my last 3 years: a fluke, an accident, extremely rare, no reason to suspect it would happen again.

I'm pleased at least we have the reason why.  Fortunately there was no malformation; no genetic anomaly.  But it's still hard.  The problem with the twins was an extremely rare anomaly.  Neil was born premature for an unknown reason.  And now this.  I can't help but wonder what would happen if we did try again.  Is it possible for me to have a perfectly normal pregnancy like 90% of the population?  Or would I be faced with another "rare occurrence"?  I don't think I could handle another problem.

My doctor told me to wait 18 months between delivery dates before getting pregnant again.  So if we did chose to try again, we could effectively start trying in about 7 months.  That's next May.  For the earliest possibly due date of end-February 2013.  It seems so far away!  But possible.  I wonder how I'll be feeling next May.  Will I still desperately want another child like I do now?  Or will the loss/pain/grief have faded enough that my desire for another child is not as strong?  Or perhaps I'll be terrified to try again?

I wonder...

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I will think again, as I always do, of Riley, and of the twins, and wonder what would have been.  I will thank my blessings and be grateful that I have a healthy son, Neil, but I will always wonder.  The twins would have been a year and half now.  Riley would be approaching his due date.  But it was not meant to be.

October 15-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

To think there are so many people who have lost babies that it warrants a national day of remembrance.  It's just not right.  The past 6 weeks have been some of the hardest six weeks of my life.  No one should have to go through this experience of loss and pain.  But the fact that it is recognized and remembered by others is so important.

My husband asked me today if my friends ask me about it anymore and you know what?  They don't.  It's amazing how quickly people go on with their lives.  And it's not that they're being insensitive or that they don't care, it's just that yes, they have their own lives too.  Shocking!  ha ha.  But I now know that it is so important to continue to recognize someone's pain, someone's suffering, someone's difficult situation, regardless of how long it's been since the event.

No one asks me how I'm doing anymore.  It's probably because I put up this wall of strength, that I "fake" my way through it when I'm feeling anything less than alright.  I just don't want to keep bringing other people down - my friends, my family.  The only person who truly knows how I'm feeling is my husband.  And thank goodness for him.  He has been so supportive and loving and kind.  He lets me feel how I feel, and understands that my mood and emotions are a constant roller-coaster.  He doesn't like it all the time, but he accepts it.

So what will you be doing on October 15th?  Please take a moment to remember those who have suffered infant loss.  Tell them you're thinking of them, that you care.  Recognize their pain and applaud their courage and strength.

Thanksgiving Sunday

Well, today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in 5 years I didn't host Thanksgiving dinner.  It was such a relief not to have to do everything for once.  We went to our good friends' house and were totally spoiled with an amazing feast.  It was nice to be around good friends, and honestly, really nice not to be around family.  As much as I love mine and D's family, I feel like I have to "fake it" for them.  They want me to be feeling better so I feel like I have to fake happy for them. But with my friends I don't have to try.  I can say I'm feeling bitchy or grumpy today and they get it and don't question it and let me be grumpy or bitchy.  But with my family if I say I'm feeling grumpy they want to know why, and what's wrong, and is there anything they can do.

I don't know what it is these days, but I feel pressure to be "strong" for my family.  And it's exhausting.  Fortunately we live 2 hours away from one another, but I'm stressing out already about Christmas.  It's 2 months away, but I'm afraid of how I'm going to be feeling then.  D and I had a big "discussion" about it this evening because I said "I don't want to host Christmas this year" and he got all defensive and frustrated and told me I can't plan something that's 2 months from now and I don't know how I'll be feeling in 2 months, which is true, but I just don't have the energy or excitement about Christmas that I usually do.  Who knows, maybe my thoughts will change, but as of right now, Christmas is cancelled.  lol!

6 weeks, but a pretty good day

Today was a pretty good day.  I walked Neil to daycare.  It was cold.  -2 degrees (Celsius!), but we bundled up and enjoyed our walk.  Then I did a workout when I got home, went into town, did some shopping.  It was nice.  This afternoon D called and suggested we pick up Neil early and go for a drive.  It turned out to be a gorgeous day (+14degrees), so we had a nice drive through the countryside.  Then we helped D finish up work in the barn and went to pick up carrots for our friend Frank who hunts deer on our land.  All in all it was a normal, good day.

Yesterday I was in town shopping and there was a woman with her newborn baby in front of me in line for the cash at sears.  The cashier asked her how old her baby was and she answered "just 2 weeks", wish that sweet, loving smile all new mothers have.  It was heartbreaking.  I had to physically turn the other way and focus on not crying.  I was really surprised.  I didn't think seeing a newborn after 6 weeks would affect me like that.  But obviously it did.

6 weeks today.  Yup, still thinking in terms of weeks.  That'll end soon, right??

October 5th - one month to original due date

Last night I was thinking about Riley and realized that we are one month away from his original due date, November 5th.  It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now. It's funny because all along we were thinking I would probably going into labour around the 36th week, which is pretty much where we are now.  On Friday it will be six weeks since Riley's death and it feels really strange.  It feels like so long ago, and yet I'm supposed to still be pregnant right now.  It's like these two states of being are in polar opposites.

If I was still pregnant we would be preparing for Riley's arrival.  We would be putting the final touches together on his and Neil's room.  I would be HUGE, and sick of being pregnant and mentally preparing myself for his birth.

Instead, I'm not pregnant.  I'm living in a constant state of limbo, where I'm trying to go on with my life and do
"normal" things, but yet everything I do reminds me of my lack of being pregnant.  It's a bizarre, bizarre state of being.  I wonder when I get over this feeling of being in limbo and truly move on with my life?

Thanksgiving and the holidays

So Thanksgiving is next weekend and some members of my family and some members of D's family have asked what we're doing.  Will we be hosting a meal?  Will we be going to the cottage to see my folks?  To be honest I just don't want to do anything.  Yeah, sure, I have plenty to be thankful for: my health, my son, my husband, etc, etc.  But I just don't feel like celebrating this year.  I don't feel like putting on a fake smile and pretending like I want to listen to our families talk about useless unimportant things and I have to go on pretending like I want a big gathering.  So why should I?

Because if I don't then I'll be disappointing everyone.  And I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I just don't feel like doing anything this year.  Is that so bad?  I've hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas every year for the last 5 years.  Do I really have to do it this year too?

It makes me wonder where my mind is going to be when we get closer to Christmas.  Will I feel the same way?  Will I not want to host Christmas either?  Usually my parents and brother come up and spend 4-5 days at our house, but I'm just not sure I have the energy to deal with that this year.  I know it's still 3 months away, but it will be here before we know it.  I half joked to D that we should go away for Christmas this year.  He didn't seem too interested in that idea.  He wants to spend the holidays with his family.  But I just don't feel like in the celebratory mood these days.  It shouldn't be a big surprise to anyone.  Oh, I don't know.  I'll probably have to suck it up and do it anyways.  damn holidays :)

I know I should be thankful for everything I have in my life, but sometimes I like to be selfish and self-deprecating and just wallow in my misery.  Is that so bad?

Neil's "birthday"

Today is Neil's 12 month "corrected" age birthday.  He was born July 31, 2010 but was 9 weeks premature, so until he's 2 years old, everything is based on his "corrected" age.  For the past 14 months September 30th has had such meaning for us.  Every milestone, every developmental phase has been based on his corrected age, and will be until he's two.  It makes me wonder if August 26th (Riley's delivery date) or November 5th (Riley's due date) will impact us the same next year.  I guess that's a silly thought.  Of course these dates will mean someone to me.

I look forward to when we no longer base everything on Neil's corrected age.  When we no longer have to ask ourselves, "is he developing properly?  He's a little behind, but only because he was premature.  he's on target for his corrected age".  It's just always a constant reminder than Neil's just a little different than the other kids his age.  We just have to be patient.  I'm know in time he'll catch up, I'm just tired of him being "special".

Today we had a spontaneous supper with some neighbours.  They aren't close friends, but Dennis works with the husband and I've always gotten along well with the wife.  They sent us a lovely card when they found out about Riley.  When we stopped by their house tonight she gave me a big hug, said her condolences, and then said "you're going to try again, right?".

Obviously spoken from someone who's never been through anything like this.  Of course she's just being kind and thoughtful, but it's not black and white.  And someone who's never lost a child so late in pregnancy can never understand that.  I don't know if we'll try again.  Of course I want to, but can I really face the thought of going through that all-consuming fear and terror for another 9 months?  I just don't know.

Brain Tumour

So my very best friend in the world had a brain tumour 2 years ago.  She had brain surgery to remove it and it's been a long battle for her to recover from.  We thought she was recovering but she just found out that the tumour is back.  It's so surreal.  It puts everything into perspective.  We all have things - issues, problems, whatever - in our lives that we have to face.  And whatever it is that one is dealing with, it always seems like the worst possible scenario. But then you hear about someone else's problem and it puts it all in perspective for you.

Yes, I lost a baby.  A beautiful, loved, desired for baby.  But my dear friend has a brain tumour.  She is facing an uphill battle that could ultimately impact her entire family.  She has a husband, 2 children, and a step-daughter.  Her health battles doesn't only impact her, or her husband.  They impact an entire family.  My struggle, my pain, is awful, but at least I'm not physically weak.  At least I can still take care of my child and be physically strong.  But she went through so much during her last brain surgery.  It was a good 6-8 months before she was feeling stronger and now she has to go through this again.  It's just not fair.

So why is it that some people go through life without any major obstacles while others endure hardships and battles like ours?  Or is it just that?  That everyone has their battles; we just don't always see them.  And who am I to say my hardships are worse than anyone else's?  Who am I to be angry at the world, at God, for giving me this struggle when other people are struggling too?  I'm not the only one in pain.  Maybe my situation is more difficult, but it doesn't diminish what anyone else is going through.  Their struggle is hard to them.

You know, that last 3 years of my life have been so challenging that I've forgotten to pay attention to what other people are going through.  My close friends have been dealing with their own issues, and I've been very focused on me, my family, my son, my conception/pregnancy/losses, that I wonder what else have I missed?  Have I been a bad friend these last few years?  It's been all about me for a while now.  I need to be sure I don't alienate anyone due to my selfishness.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm really wondering if I've been lacking in the support area lately.

Was this what I was supposed to learn/realize today?

What a world we live in.  What a world.

One month

Today is the 26th.  It's been exactly one month since we lost our baby boy.

I feel like I'm lacking a sense of purpose these days.  I go through my days, doing what I do, and I know I have a purpose in Neil, but I'm confused.  This fall is not how I was expecting it to turn out and I keep remembering that something's missing.  The next year was planned for me.  I was going to have a baby and do all the newborn baby things.  But now everything's changed and I'm having a hard time adapting to that.  During the day it's not so bad, but when it's time to go to bed I don't want to go to sleep because that means I have to start all over tomorrow, trying to stay positive and not think about how different things are.  I know that I have Neil, and he is part of my purpose, but something is missing and that something is Riley.

Where do I go from here?

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about having another baby; getting pregnant again.  I don't actually want to be pregnant again, but I do so want another baby.  Today I was walking Schooner, my dog, and I even had this vision of having a baby girl.  And that makes me feel so guilty, because I do so want a girl, but does that mean I didn't want Riley?  How could I possibly think that way?  I loved him so much and was so excited for Neil to have a baby brother, who was going to be so close in age to him.  I was so looking forward to the two of them growing up together.  So then why, when I think about having a baby girl, does it make me excited?  That's just so wrong.  I feel so torn up inside, like I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it.  What is wrong with me?

Just when I think I'm doing okay the tears start falling and I get emotional.

I need a sense of purpose again.  When will it come to me?

Christmas - just 3 months away

Three months until Christmas.  I just noticed that.  It's depressing.  This was supposed to be an exciting, eventful Christmas with a newborn in the house.  And now it won't be that way.  How am I supposed to feel?  I know we'll have a good christmas because we still have Neil and it's going to be exciting this year because he'll be noticing everything.  He's still too young to understand, but it's going to be fun for him (and us, for him) this year.  So that keeps me strong and going, but it's still hard because Riley should be with us too.

About six weeks ago I was on a few websites that had xmas decoration sales and one had a "baby's 1st christmas" ornament.  I really wanted to buy it, but I thought it silly to buy ornaments in August.  I'm glad I didn't now, but yet at the same time I wish I had because then it would be something to remind me of him.  Or is that too morbid?  I'm thinking of maybe making an ornament for him, which we can hang each year.  Or maybe buying a special angel for the top of the tree?  It's silly to think of this 3 months in advance, but it's on my mind.  It feels nice, feels good, to think of how we can remember him at the holidays.

4 weeks

4 weeks already.  Really?  It seems like such a long time ago, and yet when I get to 8 weeks, then 3 months, 4 months, each milestone will seem like a lifetime since Riley was born.  I had a moment of joy and happiness, then utter misery this morning.  I thought I was ready to have sex with my husband.  Well we got all "in the mood" - I was happy and joyful.  Then tried.  It hurt.  I started crying.  Then it made me think of Riley and then I started really crying.  Not exactly the joyful return to lovemaking you hope it's going to be!  And D. was just so understanding and caring.  I seriously have the best husband.

I keep looking at the clock waiting for 9.17pm. (it's 8pm now).  Will there ever be a Friday night when I don't think of 9.17?    At what point to I stop thinking in terms of weeks (Fridays) and it turns to monthly anniversaries (the 26th)?  When will the pain in my heart not hurt so much?

Save a Place For Me

"Save a place for Me" by Matthew West.

What a beautiful song.  Listening to it makes my heart hurt, yet at the same time makes me feel closer to Riley. 

I am not religious, but I believe in God, and listening to his songs makes me feel better and makes me believe that Riley is in a safe place and that one day we will be together again.

Simple Changes

Each day I feel myself getting stronger.  While this is a good thing, I can't help wonder why is it that it is getting easier and easier?  Shouldn't I be more sad?  I still think about Riley all the time but I find myself living life in the moment again and it's a great feeling, but I can't help feeling guilty somehow.  D would be very pleased to hear about this breakthrough, but I feel bad about it.  I feel like I should still be crying more, like I should still be in mourning.  I don't want to be so far advanced in my grieving process.  I want to still be back where I was 2 weeks ago, but yet at the same time it feels good not to be so emotional all the time.

I can almost fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans again.  Now that is a good feeling!  They button up, but they're still tight.  I'll wear them in the house, but I'm not yet ready to show my fat ass in them in public :)  But it's so hard to still have to wear maternity clothes.  As comfy as they are, and boy are they comfortable (!), it's a reminder that I should still in fact be in maternity clothes.  Riley's due date was November 5th.  That's still over a month away.  It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now.  And I feel so guilty for the fact that I'm not totally upset that I'm not pregnant anymore - purely from a physical perspective.  Physically I hated being pregnant.  I just wasn't one of those "glowing" pregnant women.  I hated getting bigger and bigger, having less and less movement, feeling more aches and pains.  I hated it. 

But how I loved the end result of it all.  That's why I did it 3 times.  And the fact that I'm still considering going through it again blows my mind.  I've been pregnant 3 times, with 4 babies, and 1 survived.  That's a 25% success rate.  Not very high odds.  But yet I still want another child.  And even now, only 3 1/2 weeks removed, I want to do it again.  Amazing.  Am I ready to do it again because it's so close to Riley's loss?  Or is it because I've had some time to process and I'm willing to think about doing it again?  It seems too early to think about being pregnant again, but yet when I think about it, I want to do it.  And then when I really think about it, I think of the fear and the stress I'll have going through it all again.  The first 12 weeks, waiting for the ultrasound to confirm everything's okay.  And usually after 12 weeks you're through it all and can enjoy the pregnancy.  But it wouldn't be that way for me.  I would be worried the entire time.  Am I really up for going through that stress?  For having to deal with the constant fear that this baby would die too?  I just don't know.  At least I have 18 months to think about it.  That's how long my doctor said I should wait before trying again.  But by then I'll be 34 years old.  If we conceived right away I would give birth just before my 35th birthday.  That seems so old to me.  lol!!

I guess only time will tell.  I just pray that if we do go through this again that it goes well for us.  I just don't think I could handle another heartache.

Not a bad day

So far it hasn't been that bad of a day.  It's 7.49pm and I haven't cried today.  What a breakthrough!  My husband has been really touchy/feely lately, which is so not like him, but I am so loving it.  Maybe that's what's making my days be better.  As a rule D. is not an affectionate person.  He tells me he loves me all the time, but he doesn't physically show me - he doesn't hug and kiss all that much.  So to have him be more affectionate is so nice.

I printed a picture of a sunrise and printed Riley's name on it and put it in a frame today.  It's now sitting on the windowsill of my bedroom.  It makes me feel closer to him, and lets him know I won't forget him.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day like today...

Music for the soul

I've been listening to some really healing music recently.  I did some searches for songs about stillbirth or loss and found some wonderful pieces of music.  They make me cry, but are cathartic at the same time because it reminds me how many other families face this experience.  One song, which I have always loved but never really listened to the words, is "My Name" by George Canyon.  He's one of my favourite artists and its ironic that one of his songs speaks to me.  Neil's middle name is Canyon, partially after George Canyon.  It's like everything is coming full circle. 

These are the lyrics to "My Name":

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alrightThen he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name
______________________________________________________

"And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright".  This line speaks to me.  I've been so selfish these last 3 weeks thinking only about my loss and what I'm feeling.  But if I truly delve deeper into Riley's existence and what happened to him, and whether I believe he went to heaven, and if so, was he worried about me?  Did he know how much I loved him?  Was he worried about how I would survive this loss?  This song just makes me believe that Riley knows how much we loved him and makes me believe he's okay; he's in a better place.

A big scare

My mom came to visit on Wednesday.  When she arrived we stopped at the pharmacy to pick us a new prescription for her for a slight lung infection she had.  Thursday morning she took the medication and immediately had an allergic reaction.  She went into anifelectic (sp?) shock.  I had to call the ambulance and she was rushed to hospital.  I was so scared.  From the time I called 911 to the time the ambulance came I was terrified.  She was breathing but I thought she was having a heart attack.  I thought I would have to do CPR - fortunately I know how.  Thankfully she never stopped breathing, but she did lose consciousness and was out of it.

When we arrived at the hospital she was covered in red rash, her mouth and tongue were swollen.  They had to give her a shot of epinephrine in her thigh to counteract the reaction.  It took several hours before she was any better.  It was terrifying.

And on top of that we were in the same hospital I delivered Riley.  So not only was I going through the terrifying event of my mother being in a life-threatening situation, but I had to relive my moments in hospital 3 weeks ago.  It was awful.  The pain, the memories all came rushing back.  I had a really hard time with it.  But I knew I had to focus on my mom and I tried to block the memories.  Not only that, but my husband was away for 3 days so he couldn't even be there for support.

My mom's fine now.  Shaken, but fine.  And me.  Well, I'm hanging in there.  Dealing with a long and tiring few days.  And the memories.  And knowing it's already been 3 weeks since Riley's death.  It feels like such a long time ago.  And it's like I don't want the time to go pass because the further we move on from that day, the further removed I feel from him.

No answers

My doctor called me today.  He got all the blood test results back - everything was normal.  Nothing in my blood work to explain Riley's death.  He also got the amnio results - again, all was normal.  There were no genetic anomalies, no trisomy, no carrier-type problems.  So basically, no answers. 

So now we have to wait for the autopsy results which would show if there was any organ failure.  And the results take 4-6 months!  Which means 5 more months of waiting and wondering what happened.  I'm starting to think we won't get an answer and it will be another "unknown".  Like with Neil - they had no answers as to why I went into labour 9 weeks early.

I'm afraid to never get an answer.  How do you get closure when you don't have answers?  How do you accept when you don't know why?  How could I ever get pregnant again if I didn't know what happened? 

I just want to know why.  Why was Riley taken for us?  What is the reason for this?  Why???