One month

Today is the 26th.  It's been exactly one month since we lost our baby boy.

I feel like I'm lacking a sense of purpose these days.  I go through my days, doing what I do, and I know I have a purpose in Neil, but I'm confused.  This fall is not how I was expecting it to turn out and I keep remembering that something's missing.  The next year was planned for me.  I was going to have a baby and do all the newborn baby things.  But now everything's changed and I'm having a hard time adapting to that.  During the day it's not so bad, but when it's time to go to bed I don't want to go to sleep because that means I have to start all over tomorrow, trying to stay positive and not think about how different things are.  I know that I have Neil, and he is part of my purpose, but something is missing and that something is Riley.

Where do I go from here?

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about having another baby; getting pregnant again.  I don't actually want to be pregnant again, but I do so want another baby.  Today I was walking Schooner, my dog, and I even had this vision of having a baby girl.  And that makes me feel so guilty, because I do so want a girl, but does that mean I didn't want Riley?  How could I possibly think that way?  I loved him so much and was so excited for Neil to have a baby brother, who was going to be so close in age to him.  I was so looking forward to the two of them growing up together.  So then why, when I think about having a baby girl, does it make me excited?  That's just so wrong.  I feel so torn up inside, like I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it.  What is wrong with me?

Just when I think I'm doing okay the tears start falling and I get emotional.

I need a sense of purpose again.  When will it come to me?