Simple Changes

Each day I feel myself getting stronger.  While this is a good thing, I can't help wonder why is it that it is getting easier and easier?  Shouldn't I be more sad?  I still think about Riley all the time but I find myself living life in the moment again and it's a great feeling, but I can't help feeling guilty somehow.  D would be very pleased to hear about this breakthrough, but I feel bad about it.  I feel like I should still be crying more, like I should still be in mourning.  I don't want to be so far advanced in my grieving process.  I want to still be back where I was 2 weeks ago, but yet at the same time it feels good not to be so emotional all the time.

I can almost fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans again.  Now that is a good feeling!  They button up, but they're still tight.  I'll wear them in the house, but I'm not yet ready to show my fat ass in them in public :)  But it's so hard to still have to wear maternity clothes.  As comfy as they are, and boy are they comfortable (!), it's a reminder that I should still in fact be in maternity clothes.  Riley's due date was November 5th.  That's still over a month away.  It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now.  And I feel so guilty for the fact that I'm not totally upset that I'm not pregnant anymore - purely from a physical perspective.  Physically I hated being pregnant.  I just wasn't one of those "glowing" pregnant women.  I hated getting bigger and bigger, having less and less movement, feeling more aches and pains.  I hated it. 

But how I loved the end result of it all.  That's why I did it 3 times.  And the fact that I'm still considering going through it again blows my mind.  I've been pregnant 3 times, with 4 babies, and 1 survived.  That's a 25% success rate.  Not very high odds.  But yet I still want another child.  And even now, only 3 1/2 weeks removed, I want to do it again.  Amazing.  Am I ready to do it again because it's so close to Riley's loss?  Or is it because I've had some time to process and I'm willing to think about doing it again?  It seems too early to think about being pregnant again, but yet when I think about it, I want to do it.  And then when I really think about it, I think of the fear and the stress I'll have going through it all again.  The first 12 weeks, waiting for the ultrasound to confirm everything's okay.  And usually after 12 weeks you're through it all and can enjoy the pregnancy.  But it wouldn't be that way for me.  I would be worried the entire time.  Am I really up for going through that stress?  For having to deal with the constant fear that this baby would die too?  I just don't know.  At least I have 18 months to think about it.  That's how long my doctor said I should wait before trying again.  But by then I'll be 34 years old.  If we conceived right away I would give birth just before my 35th birthday.  That seems so old to me.  lol!!

I guess only time will tell.  I just pray that if we do go through this again that it goes well for us.  I just don't think I could handle another heartache.