Neil's "birthday"

Today is Neil's 12 month "corrected" age birthday.  He was born July 31, 2010 but was 9 weeks premature, so until he's 2 years old, everything is based on his "corrected" age.  For the past 14 months September 30th has had such meaning for us.  Every milestone, every developmental phase has been based on his corrected age, and will be until he's two.  It makes me wonder if August 26th (Riley's delivery date) or November 5th (Riley's due date) will impact us the same next year.  I guess that's a silly thought.  Of course these dates will mean someone to me.

I look forward to when we no longer base everything on Neil's corrected age.  When we no longer have to ask ourselves, "is he developing properly?  He's a little behind, but only because he was premature.  he's on target for his corrected age".  It's just always a constant reminder than Neil's just a little different than the other kids his age.  We just have to be patient.  I'm know in time he'll catch up, I'm just tired of him being "special".

Today we had a spontaneous supper with some neighbours.  They aren't close friends, but Dennis works with the husband and I've always gotten along well with the wife.  They sent us a lovely card when they found out about Riley.  When we stopped by their house tonight she gave me a big hug, said her condolences, and then said "you're going to try again, right?".

Obviously spoken from someone who's never been through anything like this.  Of course she's just being kind and thoughtful, but it's not black and white.  And someone who's never lost a child so late in pregnancy can never understand that.  I don't know if we'll try again.  Of course I want to, but can I really face the thought of going through that all-consuming fear and terror for another 9 months?  I just don't know.

Brain Tumour

So my very best friend in the world had a brain tumour 2 years ago.  She had brain surgery to remove it and it's been a long battle for her to recover from.  We thought she was recovering but she just found out that the tumour is back.  It's so surreal.  It puts everything into perspective.  We all have things - issues, problems, whatever - in our lives that we have to face.  And whatever it is that one is dealing with, it always seems like the worst possible scenario. But then you hear about someone else's problem and it puts it all in perspective for you.

Yes, I lost a baby.  A beautiful, loved, desired for baby.  But my dear friend has a brain tumour.  She is facing an uphill battle that could ultimately impact her entire family.  She has a husband, 2 children, and a step-daughter.  Her health battles doesn't only impact her, or her husband.  They impact an entire family.  My struggle, my pain, is awful, but at least I'm not physically weak.  At least I can still take care of my child and be physically strong.  But she went through so much during her last brain surgery.  It was a good 6-8 months before she was feeling stronger and now she has to go through this again.  It's just not fair.

So why is it that some people go through life without any major obstacles while others endure hardships and battles like ours?  Or is it just that?  That everyone has their battles; we just don't always see them.  And who am I to say my hardships are worse than anyone else's?  Who am I to be angry at the world, at God, for giving me this struggle when other people are struggling too?  I'm not the only one in pain.  Maybe my situation is more difficult, but it doesn't diminish what anyone else is going through.  Their struggle is hard to them.

You know, that last 3 years of my life have been so challenging that I've forgotten to pay attention to what other people are going through.  My close friends have been dealing with their own issues, and I've been very focused on me, my family, my son, my conception/pregnancy/losses, that I wonder what else have I missed?  Have I been a bad friend these last few years?  It's been all about me for a while now.  I need to be sure I don't alienate anyone due to my selfishness.

Who knows.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm really wondering if I've been lacking in the support area lately.

Was this what I was supposed to learn/realize today?

What a world we live in.  What a world.

One month

Today is the 26th.  It's been exactly one month since we lost our baby boy.

I feel like I'm lacking a sense of purpose these days.  I go through my days, doing what I do, and I know I have a purpose in Neil, but I'm confused.  This fall is not how I was expecting it to turn out and I keep remembering that something's missing.  The next year was planned for me.  I was going to have a baby and do all the newborn baby things.  But now everything's changed and I'm having a hard time adapting to that.  During the day it's not so bad, but when it's time to go to bed I don't want to go to sleep because that means I have to start all over tomorrow, trying to stay positive and not think about how different things are.  I know that I have Neil, and he is part of my purpose, but something is missing and that something is Riley.

Where do I go from here?

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about having another baby; getting pregnant again.  I don't actually want to be pregnant again, but I do so want another baby.  Today I was walking Schooner, my dog, and I even had this vision of having a baby girl.  And that makes me feel so guilty, because I do so want a girl, but does that mean I didn't want Riley?  How could I possibly think that way?  I loved him so much and was so excited for Neil to have a baby brother, who was going to be so close in age to him.  I was so looking forward to the two of them growing up together.  So then why, when I think about having a baby girl, does it make me excited?  That's just so wrong.  I feel so torn up inside, like I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it.  What is wrong with me?

Just when I think I'm doing okay the tears start falling and I get emotional.

I need a sense of purpose again.  When will it come to me?

Christmas - just 3 months away

Three months until Christmas.  I just noticed that.  It's depressing.  This was supposed to be an exciting, eventful Christmas with a newborn in the house.  And now it won't be that way.  How am I supposed to feel?  I know we'll have a good christmas because we still have Neil and it's going to be exciting this year because he'll be noticing everything.  He's still too young to understand, but it's going to be fun for him (and us, for him) this year.  So that keeps me strong and going, but it's still hard because Riley should be with us too.

About six weeks ago I was on a few websites that had xmas decoration sales and one had a "baby's 1st christmas" ornament.  I really wanted to buy it, but I thought it silly to buy ornaments in August.  I'm glad I didn't now, but yet at the same time I wish I had because then it would be something to remind me of him.  Or is that too morbid?  I'm thinking of maybe making an ornament for him, which we can hang each year.  Or maybe buying a special angel for the top of the tree?  It's silly to think of this 3 months in advance, but it's on my mind.  It feels nice, feels good, to think of how we can remember him at the holidays.

4 weeks

4 weeks already.  Really?  It seems like such a long time ago, and yet when I get to 8 weeks, then 3 months, 4 months, each milestone will seem like a lifetime since Riley was born.  I had a moment of joy and happiness, then utter misery this morning.  I thought I was ready to have sex with my husband.  Well we got all "in the mood" - I was happy and joyful.  Then tried.  It hurt.  I started crying.  Then it made me think of Riley and then I started really crying.  Not exactly the joyful return to lovemaking you hope it's going to be!  And D. was just so understanding and caring.  I seriously have the best husband.

I keep looking at the clock waiting for 9.17pm. (it's 8pm now).  Will there ever be a Friday night when I don't think of 9.17?    At what point to I stop thinking in terms of weeks (Fridays) and it turns to monthly anniversaries (the 26th)?  When will the pain in my heart not hurt so much?

Save a Place For Me

"Save a place for Me" by Matthew West.

What a beautiful song.  Listening to it makes my heart hurt, yet at the same time makes me feel closer to Riley. 

I am not religious, but I believe in God, and listening to his songs makes me feel better and makes me believe that Riley is in a safe place and that one day we will be together again.

Simple Changes

Each day I feel myself getting stronger.  While this is a good thing, I can't help wonder why is it that it is getting easier and easier?  Shouldn't I be more sad?  I still think about Riley all the time but I find myself living life in the moment again and it's a great feeling, but I can't help feeling guilty somehow.  D would be very pleased to hear about this breakthrough, but I feel bad about it.  I feel like I should still be crying more, like I should still be in mourning.  I don't want to be so far advanced in my grieving process.  I want to still be back where I was 2 weeks ago, but yet at the same time it feels good not to be so emotional all the time.

I can almost fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans again.  Now that is a good feeling!  They button up, but they're still tight.  I'll wear them in the house, but I'm not yet ready to show my fat ass in them in public :)  But it's so hard to still have to wear maternity clothes.  As comfy as they are, and boy are they comfortable (!), it's a reminder that I should still in fact be in maternity clothes.  Riley's due date was November 5th.  That's still over a month away.  It's so hard to fathom that I should still be pregnant right now.  And I feel so guilty for the fact that I'm not totally upset that I'm not pregnant anymore - purely from a physical perspective.  Physically I hated being pregnant.  I just wasn't one of those "glowing" pregnant women.  I hated getting bigger and bigger, having less and less movement, feeling more aches and pains.  I hated it. 

But how I loved the end result of it all.  That's why I did it 3 times.  And the fact that I'm still considering going through it again blows my mind.  I've been pregnant 3 times, with 4 babies, and 1 survived.  That's a 25% success rate.  Not very high odds.  But yet I still want another child.  And even now, only 3 1/2 weeks removed, I want to do it again.  Amazing.  Am I ready to do it again because it's so close to Riley's loss?  Or is it because I've had some time to process and I'm willing to think about doing it again?  It seems too early to think about being pregnant again, but yet when I think about it, I want to do it.  And then when I really think about it, I think of the fear and the stress I'll have going through it all again.  The first 12 weeks, waiting for the ultrasound to confirm everything's okay.  And usually after 12 weeks you're through it all and can enjoy the pregnancy.  But it wouldn't be that way for me.  I would be worried the entire time.  Am I really up for going through that stress?  For having to deal with the constant fear that this baby would die too?  I just don't know.  At least I have 18 months to think about it.  That's how long my doctor said I should wait before trying again.  But by then I'll be 34 years old.  If we conceived right away I would give birth just before my 35th birthday.  That seems so old to me.  lol!!

I guess only time will tell.  I just pray that if we do go through this again that it goes well for us.  I just don't think I could handle another heartache.

Not a bad day

So far it hasn't been that bad of a day.  It's 7.49pm and I haven't cried today.  What a breakthrough!  My husband has been really touchy/feely lately, which is so not like him, but I am so loving it.  Maybe that's what's making my days be better.  As a rule D. is not an affectionate person.  He tells me he loves me all the time, but he doesn't physically show me - he doesn't hug and kiss all that much.  So to have him be more affectionate is so nice.

I printed a picture of a sunrise and printed Riley's name on it and put it in a frame today.  It's now sitting on the windowsill of my bedroom.  It makes me feel closer to him, and lets him know I won't forget him.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another good day like today...

Music for the soul

I've been listening to some really healing music recently.  I did some searches for songs about stillbirth or loss and found some wonderful pieces of music.  They make me cry, but are cathartic at the same time because it reminds me how many other families face this experience.  One song, which I have always loved but never really listened to the words, is "My Name" by George Canyon.  He's one of my favourite artists and its ironic that one of his songs speaks to me.  Neil's middle name is Canyon, partially after George Canyon.  It's like everything is coming full circle. 

These are the lyrics to "My Name":

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alrightThen he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name
______________________________________________________

"And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright".  This line speaks to me.  I've been so selfish these last 3 weeks thinking only about my loss and what I'm feeling.  But if I truly delve deeper into Riley's existence and what happened to him, and whether I believe he went to heaven, and if so, was he worried about me?  Did he know how much I loved him?  Was he worried about how I would survive this loss?  This song just makes me believe that Riley knows how much we loved him and makes me believe he's okay; he's in a better place.

A big scare

My mom came to visit on Wednesday.  When she arrived we stopped at the pharmacy to pick us a new prescription for her for a slight lung infection she had.  Thursday morning she took the medication and immediately had an allergic reaction.  She went into anifelectic (sp?) shock.  I had to call the ambulance and she was rushed to hospital.  I was so scared.  From the time I called 911 to the time the ambulance came I was terrified.  She was breathing but I thought she was having a heart attack.  I thought I would have to do CPR - fortunately I know how.  Thankfully she never stopped breathing, but she did lose consciousness and was out of it.

When we arrived at the hospital she was covered in red rash, her mouth and tongue were swollen.  They had to give her a shot of epinephrine in her thigh to counteract the reaction.  It took several hours before she was any better.  It was terrifying.

And on top of that we were in the same hospital I delivered Riley.  So not only was I going through the terrifying event of my mother being in a life-threatening situation, but I had to relive my moments in hospital 3 weeks ago.  It was awful.  The pain, the memories all came rushing back.  I had a really hard time with it.  But I knew I had to focus on my mom and I tried to block the memories.  Not only that, but my husband was away for 3 days so he couldn't even be there for support.

My mom's fine now.  Shaken, but fine.  And me.  Well, I'm hanging in there.  Dealing with a long and tiring few days.  And the memories.  And knowing it's already been 3 weeks since Riley's death.  It feels like such a long time ago.  And it's like I don't want the time to go pass because the further we move on from that day, the further removed I feel from him.

No answers

My doctor called me today.  He got all the blood test results back - everything was normal.  Nothing in my blood work to explain Riley's death.  He also got the amnio results - again, all was normal.  There were no genetic anomalies, no trisomy, no carrier-type problems.  So basically, no answers. 

So now we have to wait for the autopsy results which would show if there was any organ failure.  And the results take 4-6 months!  Which means 5 more months of waiting and wondering what happened.  I'm starting to think we won't get an answer and it will be another "unknown".  Like with Neil - they had no answers as to why I went into labour 9 weeks early.

I'm afraid to never get an answer.  How do you get closure when you don't have answers?  How do you accept when you don't know why?  How could I ever get pregnant again if I didn't know what happened? 

I just want to know why.  Why was Riley taken for us?  What is the reason for this?  Why???

The twins

This morning I was on an online community for 2nd & 3rd trimester loss and there was a new post from a member asking for support regarding loss of twins.  It made me think about our loss and our twins and I realized I wanted to tell their story.  So here it is:

The Twins
D and I were married August 8, 2008.  08/08/08!  We had been together for 3 years and new we wanted to have children.  We went to Jamaica in January and decided to try to get pregnant.  And, go figure, I get pregnant on the first try.  The first month.  What a shock; how crazy was that?  My first reaction was excitement, then fear, then excitement.  It was surreal.

At 12 weeks we go for an ultrasound and we find out there are twins.  But one may have Down syndrome, and the other may have a gastro problem, so they send us for testing.  Friday April 17^th they do a placenta tissue test - Chorionic villus sampling (CVS) - where they stuck a needle in my belly and take tissue samples from the placenta.  Not fun.  Much more invasive than an amnio. At this appointment they tell us that Baby 2 has Limb Body Wall complex, and that it is not conducive with life and will not survive.  No update on baby 1, so we’re to wait for the results.  Tue April 28^th we go for a follow up.  They do an ultrasound and we find out baby 1 has no heartbeat.  So they schedule us for a D&C, basically a termination.  Then Thur April 30 I wake up and there’s fluid leaking from me.  I go to work thinking it will go away, but it doesn’t.  So my friend takes me to the hospital, and 6 hours later they decide to do an emergency D&C and at 1am they do the procedure.

And so on May 1st I am officially no longer pregnant. 

This is what I wrote in my journal at the time:

"It’s so surreal.  Just last week I was pregnant, and now I’m not.  And it really hurts.  It’s really hard.  I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until now.  I guess if anything good has come out of this it’s that I know how much I want to have a baby.  But why did this happen to us?  And what if it happens again?  I’m so scared to try again, to have to wait 12 weeks to find out if everything’s okay.  And what if it isn’t?  I don’t know if I could go through this again.  It’s like I’m fine one minute and then it hits me.

And D isn’t even hurting.  For him, it’s like, well that’s life, deal with it.  I just don’t understand how this can be so easy for him.  And all I want is to be close to him, to have him hold me, and he just pushes me away.  To him it’s like nothing’s different.  Okay, so I was pregnant.  Oh well.  It’s over; deal with it.  Deal with it?  How can it be so easy for him?  I don’t understand.  It’s not fair.  I’m going through this and it’s like he doesn’t even care.  Or he does, but he’s like “I can’t help you with this”.  Maybe you should talk to someone about it.  But why can’t he just be there for me?  Why can’t he just support me and understand how hard this is?

I was ready for this, you know?  I was ready to be pregnant, and to have a baby, and to go on maternity leave.  I was ready for us to be a family.  But what if it doesn’t happen now?  What if, after all this, we can’t have children?  What if I went through all this for nothing?  What if I was finally ready to have a baby and it doesn’t happen?  I don’t think I could handle that.

They say you only get handed what you can handle.  Is that true?  Am I really strong enough to handle this?  I just want this to be over.  I want the pain to end.  I want to be happy again.  I want to feel like I can be truly happy.  I’m okay during they day, but at night, that’s when it truly hits.  That’s when it hurts.  And D just leaves me alone.  I’m crying here in the office and he’s just watching tv.  I know he’s giving me my space, but seriously.  What is he thinking?  That this is easy for me?  I feel guilty for being so upset, for being so sad."

After we lost the twins we went for genetic testing because my husband's brother has a son with PKU (a rare condition in which a baby is born without the ability to properly break down an amino acid called phenylalanine).  4 months later (!!) we got the test results back:

• We had a boy and a girl - my dream come true
• Baby 1 had Trisomy 18
• Baby 2 had Limb Body wall complex.

There was no genetic reason for their anomalies - it was simply a fluke.  Neither D nor I had any genes that contributed the this fluke.  The chance of something like this happening again was so minimal that there was no risk of us getting pregnant again.

It was a difficult time for us, for me, but I think what differs between then and now is that I didn't really understand what it meant to be a mom; what it means to lose a pregnancy.  Now, having Neil, I understand it more and it's much more difficult.  Plus I lost that pregnancy at 16 weeks.  This one was at 29 weeks.  It is much more real this time around than the first time.  I didn't get to meet the twins.  I met Riley.

However, now that I have lost Riley I find myself thinking of the twins more and realizing more what I lost.  They would have been 2 1/2 now.  What would they be like?  But then I think if we had had the twins we probably wouldn't have Neil and I wouldn't trade Neil for anything.  So I guess it all worked out for the best?  And hopefully eventually I'll think the same of Riley.  There will be some reason why this happened, I just don't know it yet.

And that's the story of the twins. 

Riley's Burial

Today we buried Riley.  Gosh it was so hard.  But it was the right thing to do and I got to be with him, physically, one last time.

I took this picture so I could remember it forever, the last moment he was close to me.  From now on it will be memories and his grave site where I will go to be with him.

It was such an emotional moment for us.  Once it was over I spoke to him for a while.  I told him he was safe now, that his spirit had been laid to rest.  I asked him to watch over Neil - to keep him safe, to not let anything happen to him, to help him have a happy and healthy life, to ensure he doesn't have any problems growing up.  I asked him to keep D. safe too.  And I just asked him to be happy and to know that we will always remember him and always love him.

And now that's it.  It was a really hard day, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.  I even found a quote, which felt right somehow:
"I though again of you today; even though that is not different than any other day.  Today I felt your peacefulness surround me when I needed it most and we lowered you into the ground."

There's something about the trees and the wind in the trees that makes me think of him.  It's like I feel his spirit around me when I see the wind rustling in the trees.  I guess it's feeling close to nature and knowing that Riley is in the most natural place and that he is always with us, in our hearts, in our natural surroundings.

Tomorrow is another day and I will try to be stronger.  Each day I cry, but each day I feel like I'm starting on my road to recovery.  the grief is still intense when it hits me, but I feel like I'm getting there.  I hope I'm getting there...

Colours

I read on another blog about an online photography lesson.  I checked it out.  It told you to chose your favourite colour and describe why you chose it.  My favourite colour is purple.  Why?

• Bishop's - it's the colour of my university
• It's stronger than pink
• Purple was my wedding colour - in my dress, my bridesmaid dresses, the flowers, everything.
• Bold
• Strong
• Vibrant
• Beating heart

At the bottom of the page she listed the symbolism behind the colour purple.  Here are some of those meanings:

• Spirituality
• Ceremony
• Transformation
• Wisdom
• Enlightenment

How telling.

Today I have yet to cry.  It was a busy day.  My parents were visiting.  We went on open house farm tours.  Now everyone is gone and I'm alone again.  I feel the sadness creeping in and I don't want it too.  But yet I feel like if I don't cry today then I'm somehow not remaining faithful to Riley.  Like it's too early in my grief cycle to not cry.  Isn't that weird?  That I want to be sad?  That I want to cry? 

Tomorrow we bury him.  At 10am.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared.  I'm thankful we're finally getting to do it.  What will I say?  It's just D and I.  I feel like I should do something special for Riley, like write him a letter or have something to put in his grave with him.  But what?  Nothing will be good enough.  I hadn't even bought anything for him yet.  Maybe it's better that way?  But I feel like I should have something monumental to give him.  I don't know.  The grief is starting to creep back in and I'm tired.  When will it end???

2 weeks

Yesterday it was 2 weeks since Riley was born.  I had an appointment with my doctor.  Here is what I wrote while sitting in the waiting room:

I'm at Dr. B's office.  It's harder than I thought.  I thought it would be okay.  But then they erased all my appointments today and I couldn't speak.  I teared up and almost cried.  It's really hard to be here.  There are 3 women, all pregnant, waiting in the waiting room.  I don't know their stories so I can't speculate, but I can only guess they're all having perfectly healthy babies and I am so angry.  It's not fair.  But yet I don't wish it on any of them.  I don't wish for anyone to experience this.  It's horrible and unfair.

A woman just left her appointment.  She had the bag of reading material you get at your first appointment.  She was here with her partner/husband/boyfriend (who knows in Quebec these days!).  They were all smiles when leaving.  Excited.

It's been 2 weeks.  2 weeks already.  The therapist said that's about how long it would take for the extreme pain to go away.  I don't feel any better.  Well maybe that's not true.  When I'm not feeling pain I feel better, but when I feel the pain it's still agonizing.  My heart still aches unbelievably.

Monday we're buying Riley at 10am.  D. has said a few times his mom wants to be there.  But I don't want anyone else.  I've realized that my grief is very private to me.  I don't like getting emotional in front of others.  Somehow I'm able to separate my grief from the facts and I'm able to stay calm and unemotional - except when arriving a the doctor's office.  lol

It's strange, though, how I'm able to do that.  I don't want to cry or get emotional in front of my parents, even.  Probably because I can't handle it if they break down and get upset.  Especially my mom.  It's like I need to be strong for her.  I don't know why I feel that way but I do.
___________________________________________________

Seeing my doctor was really hard.  He was very sympathetic and nice.  He even said "you are very unlucky when it comes to pregnancy".  No shit!  We talked a little about the option of getting pregnant again.  He said if I wanted to do that I should wait a minimum of 18 months to be sure that whatever caused Riley's death is completely gone from my system.  18 months.  That means I would be almost 36 by the time I gave birth again.  That's just insane.  But yet if we chose to adopt I know it would take just as long, if not longer.  But what option is safer for us?  I started reading up on adoption last night - the steps you have to take.  It's amazing - they do intense interviewing and screening to ensure you are proper parents.  and yet anyone can get pregnant and have a child.  How unfair is that?

2 weeks.  The pain is still so strong, but I am getting on with my life.  Today D. and I are going to an open house at another dairy farm.  My parents are coming to visit this afternoon and tomorrow we're going to the UPA open house farm tours across the region.  Things we would have done regardless.  I'm just a little more numb, less interested when doing these things.  That's all.

The image of waking up in the hospital 2 weeks ago is still so clear.  Will it always be?  I don't ever want to forget it.

Meeting with funeral home

So today we met with the funeral home to plan Riley burial.  It was really hard.  But the meeting went so quickly because there was little to plan.  We had already decided we didn't want a service, or visitation, or anything like that.  We just wanted it to be me and D.  But it was really hard.  D had to do most of the talking because any time I tried to talk I just started crying.  Quite a miserable place, that!  Everything is set for 10am on Monday.  That's when Riley will be buried and we'll be able to say our final goodbyes.

I don't practice religion, but I believe in God and I believe in heaven and I believe that Riley's spirit will be watching over us.  But it's hard to know that this will be it.  Will it give me closure?  I'm happy at least that now I'll have a place to go when I want to speak to him, or remember him, or feel close to him.  I know I could do that anywhere, but I like to have a concrete spot.  And this way he'll never be forgotten and it will show that he was real; that he existed, if only in my womb.

Seeing other women with infants; Riley's Burial

Yesterday I was in town with D and I did a little fall clothes shopping for Neil.  I was waiting outside the store for D to pick me up when I saw a woman returning to her car carrying her baby in his car seat.  I didn't get a good look at the baby, but I could tell it was still very young.  The woman had just picked up Subway for lunch.  I felt so many emotions - jealousy, frustration, angst, extreme sadness.  This woman is experiencing what I should be experiencing this year.  A random event like going to subway with her baby to pick up lunch is something I won't be doing.  When D arrived to pick me up I was crying.

It's funny because last week I went over to a good friend's house to visit.  She has a 3 month old boy.  I pretty much ignored the baby, but it didn't make me cry.  Yet seeing strangers with babies makes me cry.  Why is that? 

Riley's Burial:
Tomorrow we're meeting with the funeral home to plan Riley's burial.  We didn't want a service, and heck, I don't even know if D wanted to bury him, but I did.  I need somewhere where I can "touch" him and know he was real.  I need somewhere I can grieve in private.  I need somewhere I can talk to him when I want to, and for Neil, when he's older, to know that he had a little brother.

I am so angry.  So angry that this had to happen to us.  So frustrated by the difficulties we've faced over the last 3 years.  Devastated that the anguish and pain is still so strong.  And tired of feeling like this.  It's only been a week and a half.  Two weeks on Friday.  But it feels like it was so long ago.  Like I'm already losing the memory of being pregnant.  I don't want to forget...

A new routine; same emotions

A new routine:
Today is September 6th.  Had I not gotten pregnant with Riley I would have been returning to work today.  Instead I'm at home.  Neil started daycare full time today.  He's been going part-time the last 3 weeks to adjust and this week he starts full time.  I know some people question why I decided to put him in daycare when I was going to be home another year, but I felt it was the right thing for several reasons. 
1. It's really, really difficult to find a daycare spot in Quebec
2. The daycare is 1km from our house.  I can walk there in 20 minutes
3. I knew it would be really good for Neil's development.  I don't have other friends with kids his age.  I wanted him to socialize, be around other kids.  that's the most important piece.  So I know that for him, it's going to be great.

But of course I've gotten several comments - you should have him at home, it'll be better for you, why are you having someone else take care of your child when you can do it yourself?  Blah, blah, blah.  We made this decision, so accept it, people!   And this way when I am ready to go back to work - be it in January, or sooner - I won't have the added stress of having to find daycare, and especially not finding one so close to home.


Same emotions:
Yesterday I was having a better day.  I was sad and emotional, but I didn't cry that much - until I went to bed.  It's like it all hit me again and I felt this agonizing heartbreak come from nowhere.  My husband was so supportive and held me and just reminded me to take it one day at a time.  But it was so tough.  It took me a couple of hours to fall asleep.  I dread moments like that.

Return to work

Tomorrow is Sept 6th.  Had I not gotten pregnant with Riley I would have returned to work following my maternity leave with Neil.  It's so surreal.  Now I don't have to go back until January.  But I don't have a baby at home to take care of.  It's just me, D, and Neil.  I feel lost; without purpose.  But I do not want to go back to work any time soon!

Today I only cried a few times.  Yesterday I didn't cry until 4pm.  But I still feel empty, like something's missing.  And I just don't care about things that much. And it's so hard to take of Neil.  I find myself happy that he's going back to daycare tomorrow so I don't have to worry about taking care of him.  I feel like such a horrible person/mom for feeling that way, but what can I do?  It's how I feel.

I know I've got support, friends out there, but none of them can understand what I'm going through and I just don't want to bother them.  I just want to focus on myself and what I'm feeling without bringing other people down.  So I fake it.  Even though it's only been 10 days.  That's it. It feels like so much longer ago.

Sunday September 4, 2011

9.40pm
Sometimes I wonder if I should be more sad/distraught than I am. I've been reading a blog of a woman who lost her baby at 33 weeks. It seems like she felt so much more pain that I am. Is that because I have Neil? Is it because I've gone through so much already? am I just stronger? Or am I in denial?

Sometimes I think I'm too happy about not being pregnant anymore. Like I wished this to happen.  Did I secretly wish this? Am I that horrible of a person?

I'm so tired. So tired of all these questions, these emotions. I want something to feel right again. And even a small part of me wants to be pregnant again. Well, not pregnant, but I want to feel hope, excitement about the future, even nervousness about the future. I want to know, without doubt, that we have a healthy baby on the way. And yet even as I say that I'm scared.  Scared of pregnancy, scared of another baby.

Will I be happy with just one child? Will it be enough for me? D is confident one child is enough for him, but I want a bigger family. I want more. I don't want my last memory of pregnancy/child creation to be of Riley's birth/death. I need a positive memory.

Will he grow up in heaven? Will he watch over us? Will he take care of Neil?

Sitting here it feels like I was never pregnant; like it never happened. Like it was so long ago - not just a week ago Friday.  How is it so easy to let go of being pregnant? I don't understand it. I feel so guilty that I've accepted not being pregnant anymore.

I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be happy I can go walking, drink wine, smoked salmon. So why am I? It's wrong. I shouldn't be taking pleasure in things. I should be in mourning. I should be lying in bed crying. I shouldn't have an appetite. Why is it easier than I though it would be? Should be? What am I missing? What's wrong with me??

Saturday September 3, 2011

One week since I woke up in the hospital after giving birth to Riley. I'm so tired. And I just want to feel better. But at the same time I don't want to forget. I keep grapsing on to the memories of last weekend. Like if I let them go I"m going to forget or it's over. I mean I know it's over but I don't want it to be.

Friday September 2, 2011

9.17pm
One week.  It's been exactly one week since Riley was born.  It feels like and eternity ago.  I remember exactly how it felt when I delivered him.  And how I broke down and cried so hard.  It was like every hope, every wish, every dream I had for him was shattered, lost, at that moment.  I knew then it was over.  He was dead.

I still can't believe this happened.  It's just not real.  Why me?  Why us?

I was listening to our wedding song, "Memories of Us" and my drive home tonight and I was thinking about our wedding night and how oblivious we were.  Or maybe it's how naive we were about the future.  We had no idea how hard it would be over the next 3 years. To lose the twins, to go through genetic testing, to conceiving Neil and him being born premature, to all his problems his first 6 months of life.  Wasn't that enough?

And even after all that I still though I wanted another child. I wasn't sure because I was afraid to go through all that again, but I wanted 2 kids. So when I got pregnant yes, I was shocked and terrified, but I was happy because the decision was made for us. We didn't have to agonize over the decision. And after the ultrasounds and blood tests came back fine I figured we were Scott-free. I was taking my prometrium pills (every day!); I was taking my iron. I figured we'd make it to 35-36 weeks. But never in a million years did I ever think this would happen.

It's 9.35pm. I think I was holding him now. The first image of him was horrifying. It will stay with me forever.

Why us? I just don't get it. Are we just not meant to have children? Was it Neil who was the "accident". Maybe he was never supposed to make it. What a horrible thing to think.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I lack motivation. Poor Neil has another fever tonight. I'm taking care of him but it's hard. It's hard to disassociate Neil with Riley.  I wonder what he would have been like. Would he have been a good baby like Neil? Would he have been a good sleeper? A happy baby? What type of personality would he have had? Would he have loved animals like Neil? What would have been his favourite book? His favourite song? Would he have liked to cuddle? Would he have been independent like Neil? Or more dependent, more attached to me?

I'll never know.

I can't ever imagine losing a child. Losing a baby you've never met is hard enough.  How could you ever get over losing a child? And I know it's selfish but it's another reason I want another child. God forbid something should happen to Neil - I don't want to lose my only child.

I know it's much too early but I think I would like to adopt. We could adopt a girl. But now I feel guilty for even thinking about it. It's like I'm betraying Riley's memory.

9.50pm  I'm holding him for sure by now. Looking at his hands; his feet.  Yup - it's definitely a boy! I remember even checking, just to be sure :)  I was in so much pain. My back hurt so much. I didn't want to put him down. He was warm. I felt him on my check and it reminded me of holding Neil à la kangaroo when he was in NICU.

Could I get pregnant again? Could I go through it again? I don't know. I just don't know. I know D says "never", but I don't know. I say no now, but I want another child so badly. Well, really, I want Riley. I him back, alive.

Friday September 2, 2011

11.10am
Well, it's been exactly one week since Riley was born.  This time last week I was getting 19 vials of blood taken.  It feels like an eternity ago.  But I keep wanting to go back to last week.  I don't want time to go by.  It's like the more time goes by then the better I'm supposed to feel and the more I'm supposed to get over it. And I don't want to. I mean I don't want to hurt anymore but I don't want to be over it. I know it means I"m still in denial phase and eventually I'll get over it and move to acceptance.

But why?  Why did this happen to us?  Dr. B called and they got some tests back.  It wasn't an infection. Now they're waiting to see if I formed blood clots and it stopped circulation to Riley or if he had a genetic malformation. I kind of hope it was genetic because if it was a blood clot then I'll feel like it was more my fault even though I can't control blood clots it's still something my body did to cause this.  Whereas a genetic issue is something nature caused and I have no control over it.

But I still want another child.  Whether it's a baby or not I don't know, but I really do want another child. After experiencing the excitement of the thought of Neil having a little brother it made me realize how much I want it.  It's like when we lost the twins. It made me realize how much I wanted a baby, which is why we tried again and were so blessed to have Neil.

At least I get 18 weeks off. That's good. I can get healthy, get in shape, take some aerobics classes, maybe start swimming. It's been 3 years now that I've been unhealthy and gaining weight steadily.  Enough is enough.  Starting Monday it's on! No more bad food. Exercise every day. I can do this. I know I can. Nothing is harder than what I just went though and I think if I focus on that and remember that I can be successful. And I have to remember it's not going to be easy; that it is going to be hard and I just have to accept that.  But until Monday I'm going to eat the rest of the junk food that's in the house and enjoy every moment of it :)

I also need to do research and find healthy snacks so that we have food in the house.  There's nothing worse than being hungry and having nothing to eat.  And I have to plan my meals and not wait until last minute to decide what to eat.

I can do this.  It will give me a goal, a purpose, a project.  Something to focus on.

Thursday September 1, 2011

6.15pm
I saw a psychologist yesterday.  It wasn't that great.  She was very french.  She spoke some English but I got the sense half the time she couldn't really understand me and that she didn't really want me to be there.  I have another appointment in 2 weeks but I don't think I'll keep it, which sucks because she's free.

Today was a better day but right now I'm feeling down.  It's hard to be around Neil.  It just reminds me of what I'm not going to have.  And I know that's stupid, that I should be happy with him and that he needs me but I just don't want to deal with him right now.  He was at daycare tuesday, wed, thur this week and I am so thankful for that.  But what am I going to do with him the next 4 days?  Plus D is working and his brother is taking every night off this week.  Again showing how little he cares about anybody but himself and his own family.

Monday August 29

9.50am
Shitty morning.  I keep remembering the events at the hospital.  It's like watching a movie but seeing different parts all at once.  I just can't stand the pain.  And D is fine.  It's like he's completely over it and everything's fine now.  I know he handles things differently and doesn't show his emotions, but I wish he would at least agree that it's hard and that he's hurting.  He finally admitted Sunday morning that it hurt when Riley was born and it hurt when I held him Friday night and Saturday morning.  So that helps at least.

But he has something to focus on.  He has work and then comes home and has me & Neil.  I feel like I have no purpose.  I know I have Neil, but I was always going to have Neil.  Now what do I do?  The thought of going back to work any time soon is no appealing at all.  But then what do I do?  Neil will be in daycare.  I need a project.

Sunday August 28, 2011

5.35pm
I called our employee assistance program today to see about counselling.  I think it will be good to talk to someone.  They're supposed to call me to book an appointment.  Hopefully that will help a little.  Not sure how many sessions are covered but at least it will be a start.

Today is tough.  It's wet out - we're getting this rain from hurricane Irene.  So much rain!  But that makes it harder because I couldn't leave the house today so it's been a LONG day.  It feels like the hours have ticked by so slowly.  And the satelite is out because of the weather so it's going to be a LONG night.

What am I supposed to do with myself now?  I keep thinking about work & the thought of going back is so unappealing but yet what will I do all day when Neil is at daycare?  D (my husband) will be back at work full time tomorrow and I don't know what I'm going to do.  I need a project.  I was thinking maybe I can paint the hallway.  Take advantage of the time he's at daycare.

I just feel lost and without purpose - which I know is normal - but it's hard to deal with.  And it makes it harder to see D moving on and wanting to get back to work.

Friday August 26, 2011 - I give birth and death to Riley Quinn

On Sunday morning (Aug 28) I woke up at 5am and couldn't sleep.  Everything was so raw and unreal.  I wanted to write down every moment of what happened the day Riley was delivered so I could remember it forever.  Here it is:

10.15am  Arrived at hospital
11.00am  Moved to room 5668.  Blood tests - 18 vials taken.
1.00pm    Taken to lettre E.  Ultrasound.  Amnio.  With Dr. Ouellette
2.30pm    Lunch at the Casse-Croute
2.45pm   Saw Dr. Caron.  Began process of inducing me.  He inserted the balloon and tablet to dialate 
               & soften my cervix.
3.00pm   Contractions start.  Are every 1-2 minutes
3.20pm   Ask for nurse.  She says it's time for epidural.  I go to washroom.  Balloon drops.  This means I'm
              already 3cm dialated.
4.00pm   Anesthesiologist arrives.  Starts prepping for epidural.  My friend Samantha is now here.

Between 4.30 & 7.30pm
Not much happens.  I don't feel any contractions because of the epidural.  I am feeling okay; hanging out with D & Sam.  At some point I start losing liquid and the doctor breaks my water.  Disgusting!  I laugh with Sam: "seriously?  That's what happens?  Gross!"

7.00pm  5cm dialated
7.30pm  Sam leaves.  D goes for supper.  I try to rest.
8.30pm  Still no change.  Resident is now Marie-Catherine.  She's the same resident who saw me with the
              twins (who I lost at 15 weeks due to genetic anomalies) and with Neil (my living son of 13 months).
              She recommends adding drugs to encourage contractions.
8.45pm  Start feeling pressure & pain.  Dr. suggests we can try pushing.  She gets everything set up.  I am so
              scared.
9pm-ish  Ready to go.  Push once.  Dr says "this is going to go very quickly".  I push 4 times.
9.17pm  Riley is born.
9.40pm  I hold him.  Image is too strong for my mind
9.45pm  I take him back and hold him again.

He has Neil/my nose.  That makes me smile because that was my one wish for his features.  He weighs 1473gm.  I look at his hands and feet.  It's definitely a boy.  It still feels unreal.

His body is warm against my chest.  It feels like when Neil was a preemie.  I have this moment where I think if I hold him kangarro style maybe I can bring him back to life.  But I know that's stupid because he's been gone for so long.  But I remember that story from last year of the woman who delivered stillborn and held her baby kangaroo and he came back to life.  But her baby was alive right up to delivery so I know it can't happen with Riley.  But how I wish it could.

I don't know how long I held him.  I remember how uncomfortable I was and how much my back hurt and how guilty I felt because I just wanted to give him back so I could get rid of the pain in my back but how bad I felt thinking that because all I should be thinking about is holding my baby, right?

10.30pm  I'm so tired.  I just want to sleep.  It's time to rest.  I'm worn out.

The momen he was born was probably the most excrutiating.  I cried so hard.  The emotional pain was unbearable.  I think it was a mixture of emotions: pain of knowing it was truly over and he is dead; relief that the delivery wasn't difficult or painful; exaustion.

Then I just felt numb.  I had to wait for the placenta to come out and for the doctor to do one stich.  I remember wanting to see the baby and yet also not wanting to.  I expected his body to be blue.  I asked where he was and Marie-Eve (the nurse) pointed to the baby holder/bed thing.  I couldn't see him but I knew he was there and somehow I felt a little better.

When he was born I didn't want to see him yet.  The doctor said "he is beautiful.  He has beautiful hands and feet".  I remember thinking, "don't be silly.  He can't be beautiful.  He's a preemie.  All preemies are ugly!".  And when I did hold him, the 2nd time, I thought, "well, he's not beautiful, but he's not ugly".

He looked a lot like Neil did at birth and it made me think that Riley and Neil probably would have looked a lot alike.  And how wonderful that would have been and that it would almost be like they were twins.  But now that would never happen and that's not fair.

After I gave him back I was ready to sleep.  I didn't think I would be able to, but I did - off and on since they kept coming in to take my vitals.

11.45pm  Marie-Eve comes back to help me pee.  I had to do it in a wheelchair because I was so dizzy :)

She was so great.  I couldn't ask for a better nurse.  She was so compasionate and caring and understanding.  I don't know how she was so good because she was so young.  She said she had only been working there for 4 years.  I felt better after peeing :)

1.30am  Nurse checks vitals one last time and gives me a sleeping pill.  Ativan.  I slept until 4.50am when they checked my vitals again and I peed again.  Then I slept until 7.15am

7.15am  Started to feel pain and cramps.  Called for pain meds.  Nurse brought them & said breakfast 
              would come soon.
7.45am  Breakfast came.  Saw Dr. Caron.  He looked tired.  He was sympathetic & said I could leave when
             I was ready.

I knew then I was ready to go home.  But at the same time I didn't want to go home because then it mean it was over and I would have to start grieving and I wasn't ready to do that.  Somehow by staying in the hospital it wasn't over - like there was still a chance I would wake up from this dream.  But of course it wasn't a dream and I would have to deal with it.  And grieve.  Much as I didn't want to.

I filled in the stillborn dealth paperwork.  It felt good to do that.  Like I had a purpose.  I brought it to the nurses' station and said I wanted to go home now.  They said there was a few things to finish up and they would send someone.  The nurse who came wasn't the warmest nurse but she was nice enough.  I knew then that I wanted to hold him again since it would be the las time.

The nurse brought Riley to me.  This time he was wearing a little wool cap.  She put warm blankets around him but his body was cold.  I showed him Neil's picture and asked him to watch over Neil for us and to keep him safe.  I asked him to make sure nothing happened to Neil.  I told him I was sorry they wouldn't be able to meet each other and grow up together.  I told him I was sorry this happened. and that I wasn't able to keep him safe.  I know it's not my fault but of course part of me feels responsible.  Like what is it about my body that makes it so hard to carry a baby?

I don't know how long I held him.  It was quite a while.  Then I asked the nurse to take him away.  I guess they're right.  It does make it real.  Until he was born he didn't feel real.  I knew I was pregnant but I hadn't developed that bond/understanding that he was real.  By seeing him, holding him, having the picture of him, it makes it real and helps me mourn his loss and grieve.  You don't believe them when the doctors/nurses tell you this, but I believe it now.

Then we were given a while box with his picture, foot & hand prints, birth card, hat & blanket, hospital bracelets and a bunch of literature.  Then we were allowed to leave.

It was a strange feeling.  Walking out the hallway and out to the elevator.  No one noticed us.  No one said goodbye.  No one to wish us luck.  Like we were never there.

And then we walked to the car, while I cried and tried to come to grasp with it all.

Coming home it was nice to be home but I didn't know what to do with myself.  I still don't.  And now it's 9am Sunday morning and I've been up since 5am.  It's pouring rain.  Hurricane Irene is hitting New York.  And I don't know what to do with myself.  I need to keep busy.  I need to do something.  I just don't know what.

Riley Quinn : Stillborn at 29 weeks

It's been one week and 3 days since I lost my son, Riley Quinn, at 29 weeks on Friday August 26, 2011.  Dealing with my grief and my pain has been so difficult.  But after reading another woman's blog about her experience with stillbirth loss I realised that writing everything down would help me too.  The morning after I got home from the hospital on Sunday August 28th I started writing in a journal.  That has kept me going until now, but now I find I need to more quickly and fully write my feelings/experiences.

And so this blog begins.