2 weeks

Yesterday it was 2 weeks since Riley was born.  I had an appointment with my doctor.  Here is what I wrote while sitting in the waiting room:

I'm at Dr. B's office.  It's harder than I thought.  I thought it would be okay.  But then they erased all my appointments today and I couldn't speak.  I teared up and almost cried.  It's really hard to be here.  There are 3 women, all pregnant, waiting in the waiting room.  I don't know their stories so I can't speculate, but I can only guess they're all having perfectly healthy babies and I am so angry.  It's not fair.  But yet I don't wish it on any of them.  I don't wish for anyone to experience this.  It's horrible and unfair.

A woman just left her appointment.  She had the bag of reading material you get at your first appointment.  She was here with her partner/husband/boyfriend (who knows in Quebec these days!).  They were all smiles when leaving.  Excited.

It's been 2 weeks.  2 weeks already.  The therapist said that's about how long it would take for the extreme pain to go away.  I don't feel any better.  Well maybe that's not true.  When I'm not feeling pain I feel better, but when I feel the pain it's still agonizing.  My heart still aches unbelievably.

Monday we're buying Riley at 10am.  D. has said a few times his mom wants to be there.  But I don't want anyone else.  I've realized that my grief is very private to me.  I don't like getting emotional in front of others.  Somehow I'm able to separate my grief from the facts and I'm able to stay calm and unemotional - except when arriving a the doctor's office.  lol

It's strange, though, how I'm able to do that.  I don't want to cry or get emotional in front of my parents, even.  Probably because I can't handle it if they break down and get upset.  Especially my mom.  It's like I need to be strong for her.  I don't know why I feel that way but I do.
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Seeing my doctor was really hard.  He was very sympathetic and nice.  He even said "you are very unlucky when it comes to pregnancy".  No shit!  We talked a little about the option of getting pregnant again.  He said if I wanted to do that I should wait a minimum of 18 months to be sure that whatever caused Riley's death is completely gone from my system.  18 months.  That means I would be almost 36 by the time I gave birth again.  That's just insane.  But yet if we chose to adopt I know it would take just as long, if not longer.  But what option is safer for us?  I started reading up on adoption last night - the steps you have to take.  It's amazing - they do intense interviewing and screening to ensure you are proper parents.  and yet anyone can get pregnant and have a child.  How unfair is that?

2 weeks.  The pain is still so strong, but I am getting on with my life.  Today D. and I are going to an open house at another dairy farm.  My parents are coming to visit this afternoon and tomorrow we're going to the UPA open house farm tours across the region.  Things we would have done regardless.  I'm just a little more numb, less interested when doing these things.  That's all.

The image of waking up in the hospital 2 weeks ago is still so clear.  Will it always be?  I don't ever want to forget it.