Friday September 2, 2011

11.10am
Well, it's been exactly one week since Riley was born.  This time last week I was getting 19 vials of blood taken.  It feels like an eternity ago.  But I keep wanting to go back to last week.  I don't want time to go by.  It's like the more time goes by then the better I'm supposed to feel and the more I'm supposed to get over it. And I don't want to. I mean I don't want to hurt anymore but I don't want to be over it. I know it means I"m still in denial phase and eventually I'll get over it and move to acceptance.

But why?  Why did this happen to us?  Dr. B called and they got some tests back.  It wasn't an infection. Now they're waiting to see if I formed blood clots and it stopped circulation to Riley or if he had a genetic malformation. I kind of hope it was genetic because if it was a blood clot then I'll feel like it was more my fault even though I can't control blood clots it's still something my body did to cause this.  Whereas a genetic issue is something nature caused and I have no control over it.

But I still want another child.  Whether it's a baby or not I don't know, but I really do want another child. After experiencing the excitement of the thought of Neil having a little brother it made me realize how much I want it.  It's like when we lost the twins. It made me realize how much I wanted a baby, which is why we tried again and were so blessed to have Neil.

At least I get 18 weeks off. That's good. I can get healthy, get in shape, take some aerobics classes, maybe start swimming. It's been 3 years now that I've been unhealthy and gaining weight steadily.  Enough is enough.  Starting Monday it's on! No more bad food. Exercise every day. I can do this. I know I can. Nothing is harder than what I just went though and I think if I focus on that and remember that I can be successful. And I have to remember it's not going to be easy; that it is going to be hard and I just have to accept that.  But until Monday I'm going to eat the rest of the junk food that's in the house and enjoy every moment of it :)

I also need to do research and find healthy snacks so that we have food in the house.  There's nothing worse than being hungry and having nothing to eat.  And I have to plan my meals and not wait until last minute to decide what to eat.

I can do this.  It will give me a goal, a purpose, a project.  Something to focus on.