Friday September 2, 2011

9.17pm
One week.  It's been exactly one week since Riley was born.  It feels like and eternity ago.  I remember exactly how it felt when I delivered him.  And how I broke down and cried so hard.  It was like every hope, every wish, every dream I had for him was shattered, lost, at that moment.  I knew then it was over.  He was dead.

I still can't believe this happened.  It's just not real.  Why me?  Why us?

I was listening to our wedding song, "Memories of Us" and my drive home tonight and I was thinking about our wedding night and how oblivious we were.  Or maybe it's how naive we were about the future.  We had no idea how hard it would be over the next 3 years. To lose the twins, to go through genetic testing, to conceiving Neil and him being born premature, to all his problems his first 6 months of life.  Wasn't that enough?

And even after all that I still though I wanted another child. I wasn't sure because I was afraid to go through all that again, but I wanted 2 kids. So when I got pregnant yes, I was shocked and terrified, but I was happy because the decision was made for us. We didn't have to agonize over the decision. And after the ultrasounds and blood tests came back fine I figured we were Scott-free. I was taking my prometrium pills (every day!); I was taking my iron. I figured we'd make it to 35-36 weeks. But never in a million years did I ever think this would happen.

It's 9.35pm. I think I was holding him now. The first image of him was horrifying. It will stay with me forever.

Why us? I just don't get it. Are we just not meant to have children? Was it Neil who was the "accident". Maybe he was never supposed to make it. What a horrible thing to think.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I lack motivation. Poor Neil has another fever tonight. I'm taking care of him but it's hard. It's hard to disassociate Neil with Riley.  I wonder what he would have been like. Would he have been a good baby like Neil? Would he have been a good sleeper? A happy baby? What type of personality would he have had? Would he have loved animals like Neil? What would have been his favourite book? His favourite song? Would he have liked to cuddle? Would he have been independent like Neil? Or more dependent, more attached to me?

I'll never know.

I can't ever imagine losing a child. Losing a baby you've never met is hard enough.  How could you ever get over losing a child? And I know it's selfish but it's another reason I want another child. God forbid something should happen to Neil - I don't want to lose my only child.

I know it's much too early but I think I would like to adopt. We could adopt a girl. But now I feel guilty for even thinking about it. It's like I'm betraying Riley's memory.

9.50pm  I'm holding him for sure by now. Looking at his hands; his feet.  Yup - it's definitely a boy! I remember even checking, just to be sure :)  I was in so much pain. My back hurt so much. I didn't want to put him down. He was warm. I felt him on my check and it reminded me of holding Neil à la kangaroo when he was in NICU.

Could I get pregnant again? Could I go through it again? I don't know. I just don't know. I know D says "never", but I don't know. I say no now, but I want another child so badly. Well, really, I want Riley. I him back, alive.