Yesterday I was in town with D and I did a little fall clothes shopping for Neil. I was waiting outside the store for D to pick me up when I saw a woman returning to her car carrying her baby in his car seat. I didn't get a good look at the baby, but I could tell it was still very young. The woman had just picked up Subway for lunch. I felt so many emotions - jealousy, frustration, angst, extreme sadness. This woman is experiencing what I should be experiencing this year. A random event like going to subway with her baby to pick up lunch is something I won't be doing. When D arrived to pick me up I was crying.
It's funny because last week I went over to a good friend's house to visit. She has a 3 month old boy. I pretty much ignored the baby, but it didn't make me cry. Yet seeing strangers with babies makes me cry. Why is that?
Riley's Burial:
Tomorrow we're meeting with the funeral home to plan Riley's burial. We didn't want a service, and heck, I don't even know if D wanted to bury him, but I did. I need somewhere where I can "touch" him and know he was real. I need somewhere I can grieve in private. I need somewhere I can talk to him when I want to, and for Neil, when he's older, to know that he had a little brother.
I am so angry. So angry that this had to happen to us. So frustrated by the difficulties we've faced over the last 3 years. Devastated that the anguish and pain is still so strong. And tired of feeling like this. It's only been a week and a half. Two weeks on Friday. But it feels like it was so long ago. Like I'm already losing the memory of being pregnant. I don't want to forget...
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