9.40pm
Sometimes I wonder if I should be more sad/distraught than I am. I've been reading a blog of a woman who lost her baby at 33 weeks. It seems like she felt so much more pain that I am. Is that because I have Neil? Is it because I've gone through so much already? am I just stronger? Or am I in denial?
Sometimes I think I'm too happy about not being pregnant anymore. Like I wished this to happen. Did I secretly wish this? Am I that horrible of a person?
I'm so tired. So tired of all these questions, these emotions. I want something to feel right again. And even a small part of me wants to be pregnant again. Well, not pregnant, but I want to feel hope, excitement about the future, even nervousness about the future. I want to know, without doubt, that we have a healthy baby on the way. And yet even as I say that I'm scared. Scared of pregnancy, scared of another baby.
Will I be happy with just one child? Will it be enough for me? D is confident one child is enough for him, but I want a bigger family. I want more. I don't want my last memory of pregnancy/child creation to be of Riley's birth/death. I need a positive memory.
Will he grow up in heaven? Will he watch over us? Will he take care of Neil?
Sitting here it feels like I was never pregnant; like it never happened. Like it was so long ago - not just a week ago Friday. How is it so easy to let go of being pregnant? I don't understand it. I feel so guilty that I've accepted not being pregnant anymore.
I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be happy I can go walking, drink wine, smoked salmon. So why am I? It's wrong. I shouldn't be taking pleasure in things. I should be in mourning. I should be lying in bed crying. I shouldn't have an appetite. Why is it easier than I though it would be? Should be? What am I missing? What's wrong with me??
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